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TOPIC: Etiquette Manners
Created by: Lovas The original post for this thread was deleted.
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As you discovered, what you attended was Introduction to BDSM 101, and you got good advice from the veterans here. I'd like to add a few things for people who might attend an actual dungeon party that is not designed to show non-BDSMers (often called "vanilla") what BDSM is about.

BDSM events, such as Blackrose, may have orientation and training sessions, but the actual dungeon party is not about that. If you saw something you liked and want to know more about, approach the dominant after their session is done. Do not interrupt the session to ask questions -- or for any other reason.

What if you think something they're doing is unsafe or in violation of the rules? You still don't talk to the people involved. Dungeon parties have experienced dungeon masters/mistresses who are responsible for enforcing rules and safety. If you see something that bothers you, go to one of them immediately. They are usually identified by an armband or some other clothing. They'll take a look and make the call. Or maybe they'll monitor what's going on to see if it gets to the point where they should stop it.

Where to stand while watching? Items like whips and floggers have an area through which they travel. Obviously you don't want to get between the dominant and the sub, but there is also a backswing area behind the dominant. A good dominant will check that the backswing area is clear before he/she starts, but if you walk behind him/her during the session, you may not be seen. Keep a good distance, more than you think is necessary.

If you don't like something you're seeing, keep your comments to yourself. No one is forcing you to watch, and what's going on between dominant and sub is consensual.

Just because someone is submissive, that doesn't mean they are submissive to you. Don't start giving orders to a sub not your own, or you're likely to get laughed at. You'll need the sub's consent, and if the sub is with a dominant, probably the dominant's consent to the sub to consent to you.

You won't see much in the way of overt sex at a dungeon party except at a private party at a private house. That's not because BDSM isn't about sex. It's because while localities may look the other way at swing events, they tend to be focused like lasers on BDSM events. In some places, full nudity may not even be allowed.

Because of that, when you say you'd like to play with someone, the BDSMer will interpret that as session, meaning use restraints and floggers, etc., not have sex. And if they haven't seen how you session and don't know you, they're not likely to be interested even in that.

There's a lot more to say about BDSMers and swingers, but since this is getting long, I think I'll take that up in another thread.

-ST

Kitty Hawk NC
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Excellent! Anything you're planning to pick up at home?

New Market MD
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Should you see something going on there that you find interesting, it is perfectly ok to stand and watch at a respectful distance, but don't just walk up and start asking questions about what they are doing; this would likely be an unwelcome intrusion. Wait until the scene is over (including aftercare) before you attempt to strike up a conversation with the participants.

Lineboro Cpo MD
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I need to get to Eros I really want to experience the dungeon!!!

Columbus OH
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I've been to Eros but not in the dungeon, that is a separate part of the club. I can't give advice on BDSM etiquette but the nice part is this party allows you to voyeur the dungeon, get involved if you like or just go upstairs and enjoy the "regular" club.

Have fun!

Youngstown OH
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Is this a swinger's club that is doing a Fetish night, or is it usually a BDSM dungeon/club?

If it's the former, I would first assume that the club would stipulate its rules of behavior, which generally involve "no means no", and "don't touch unless asked", etc.

The rules for dungeons are roughly similar to swinger clubs, but geared more for safety, and tend to be more highly monitored. So, that depends on who is running the event and the facility.

Regarding etiquette, if the crowd are not regular BDSM lifestylers, then I would recommend behaving as you would around any kink crowd... respect and friendliness, and try not to make assumptions. Within the BDSM lifestyle crowd, you'll probably see a lot more social mechanics at play, mostly who's who... the Dom/Top vs. the sub/bottom.

As a guideline, if the individual couples have elaborate rules of personal behavior within their dynamic, that will be between the two of them and it's up to them to enforce it. Unfortunately, this may leave you in a position of interpreting things, such as "do I speak directly to the submissive?" In our experience, a good guideline is to never assume that a submissive/bottom is to be treated as such. If the submissive doesn't respond to you, or won't make eye contact, don't take that personally. It means they have rules that say s/he isn't allowed to, perhaps without the Dom's permission. What would be worse (and it's something we have seen time and time again) is when someone talks down to a submissive, but that submissive has no interest in being treated as such by anyone who isn't the Dominant.

So, be nice, respectful, and take each person and couple as they come. It sounds like a kind of "introduction" environment, so I don't suspect you would run into lots of heavy protocol.

Hope that helps!

New Market MD
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TOPIC: Etiquette Manners