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Establishing Trust : Swingers Discussion 202243
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TOPIC: Establishing Trust
Created by: stgalacouple
Original Starting post for this thread:
There has been some comment in this forum from time to time about trust. I thought it might be useful to start a discussion about how trust gets established. While some of this discussion applies to swinging in general, many swingers have told me that they routinely play with people they have just met and know almost nothing about. I think many BDSMers would be reluctant to do that.

Here's the wrong reason to trust someone -- they look hot!!!! Unfortunately, they way people look tells you nothing more about them than the way they look. You want someone who is knowledgeable about D/s (as a sub or dom/me), is interested in the same D/s things as you are, and plays safely, taking no more risks than you're comfortable with. You want honest answers. And if a session goes wrong, particularly if a health issue is involved, you don't want someone who will abandon you in a motel room somewhere. If you're a sub, you want a dom/me you can trust to stop when you say stop (or use an agreed safe word).

There is no one way to establish trust. Here are some of the ways that can combine to build trust.

1) Reputation. People you know and trust recommend the person(s) based on their own experience with them (not so much that they have heard good things from other people, who may be repeating what still other people have told them).

2) Having seen them session. They are knowledgeable about what they do and they do things you like or think you'd like.

3) Having spent time with them socially. They appear to be good folks who don't lie.

4) Having had a lengthy discussion about limits, likes, and dislikes and finding that theirs and yours were a good match.

5) Having played with them. They weren't pushy and, if dominant, understood what the sub was thinking and feeling. They honored limits and safe words if used.

There is, of course, no reason why these things wouldn't apply to swinging also. Many swingers just choose not to apply them, their choice, of course.

Additions to the list would be welcome -- and stories to illustrate the points.

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Very well stated Femme.

With us it's similar though we do not love. We play with no safe words, we feel strongly that if safe words are required, the trust has not been established and we don't know the person/people enough.

Dominance and submission is not play, it's who we are, it's how we go through life.

Allenhurst NJ
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Trust is the most critical part of BDSM play. In fact, I consider it essential. Indeed it is the big difference between swingers and kinksters. Understanding the need for trust is something that beginners don't get and it a surefire way to identify posers.

Playing with people you know well, respect and love is incredibly rewarding and most likely to fulfill needs. If you participate in power exchange play - you cannot consider that with a stranger - you don't have any clue what you are dealing with...

That's why I like to play with clever people -no need to explain these concepts.

Kanata Canada
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Lost.. I hope you do explore! Are you him or her writing that? Maybe I can help...

San Jose CA
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I admittedly do not have much experience in actual bdsm as in D/s. I would LOVE to have more experience than I do, and now that i am on the road to healthy I plan on divulging this in the future.

San Marcos TX
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Trust to me comes down to the overall sense of the people involved and it starts by respecting boundaries. I hold trust with others very carefully. If they trust me with their email address I don't flood them with emails. If they trust me with their phone number I only call when appropriate. If they trust me by inviting me into their house I never come without an invitation. I respect their privacy. If we play I respect their rules. By starting with the small steps the trust can be established.

San Jose CA
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** While some of this discussion applies to swinging in general, many swingers have told me that they routinely play with people they have just met and know almost nothing about. I think many BDSMers would be reluctant to do that.**

Just like in the BDSM circles, so too, in the swinging circles tons of variations. We met our fair share of both, certainly.

**Here's the wrong reason to trust someone -- they look hot!!!!**

One would imagine that, hot or otherwise, jumping into the sack with others because you find them irresistible is not for all. Some can handle it, some evidently cannot. It’s subjective. We certainly have gotten to know people for years who have proven not to be trustworthy, some were hot looking, some not so much.

**Hot** is a subjective, what I find hot you may not.

**You want someone who is knowledgeable about D/s (as a sub or dom/me), is interested in the same D/s things as you are, and plays safely, **

What is knowledgeable in D/s? are you knowledgeable because you capped the D for dominant, and lower cased the s for Submissive? Is that it, knowing the jargon? Someone that regurgitates what they heard in the so called “community?” someone who services the submissive yet calls hirself a dominant? Someone that repeats the mantra of their local chapter of what is safe and what is not?

**taking no more risks than you're comfortable with. **

Risking is living, pushing beyond the limits is what many BDSM relationships are about. The most intense moments are when my boundaries get stretched quite a bit. Quite often I am taken beyond my limitations. The rush of hearing my own heartbeat in my ears, where every nerve ending is alive, all the senses are sharpened skin tingling, is an unbelievable feeling. I cannot fathom having any control at that moment none, certainly no control over whether he should stop. The thought alone makes my stomach turn.

** If you're a sub, you want a dom/me you can trust to stop when you say stop (or use an agreed safe word).**

Non sense. People who require safe words clearly are not in control, and have not gotten to know the person that they are trying to control! No offense, but I cannot imagine trusting someone like that.

** There is no one way to establish trust. **

I snipped your wonderful list for brevity. There is a word limitation on these posts.

I agree with you wholeheartedly about the above, never a one way to build trust.

For us it’s easy, it’s just like any other relationship. Trust is earned, NEVER given. It grows as we get to know the person that we’re interested in. As simple as that. We don’t play with BDSM, we don’t “scene” with people that we don’t know, regardless if they are hot, or not. The interaction is just too intense to waste on servicing acquaintances.

Allenhurst NJ
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There has been some comment in this forum from time to time about trust. I thought it might be useful to start a discussion about how trust gets established. While some of this discussion applies to swinging in general, many swingers have told me that they routinely play with people they have just met and know almost nothing about. I think many BDSMers would be reluctant to do that.

Here's the wrong reason to trust someone -- they look hot!!!! Unfortunately, they way people look tells you nothing more about them than the way they look. You want someone who is knowledgeable about D/s (as a sub or dom/me), is interested in the same D/s things as you are, and plays safely, taking no more risks than you're comfortable with. You want honest answers. And if a session goes wrong, particularly if a health issue is involved, you don't want someone who will abandon you in a motel room somewhere. If you're a sub, you want a dom/me you can trust to stop when you say stop (or use an agreed safe word).

There is no one way to establish trust. Here are some of the ways that can combine to build trust.

1) Reputation. People you know and trust recommend the person(s) based on their own experience with them (not so much that they have heard good things from other people, who may be repeating what still other people have told them).

2) Having seen them session. They are knowledgeable about what they do and they do things you like or think you'd like.

3) Having spent time with them socially. They appear to be good folks who don't lie.

4) Having had a lengthy discussion about limits, likes, and dislikes and finding that theirs and yours were a good match.

5) Having played with them. They weren't pushy and, if dominant, understood what the sub was thinking and feeling. They honored limits and safe words if used.

There is, of course, no reason why these things wouldn't apply to swinging also. Many swingers just choose not to apply them, their choice, of course.

Additions to the list would be welcome -- and stories to illustrate the points.

Kitty Hawk NC
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(244 posts)
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TOPIC: Establishing Trust