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Difficult to find swingers who are also interested in BDSM : Swingers Discussion 1927091041
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TOPIC: Difficult to find swingers who are also interested in BDSM
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Sweettart You express the confusion that so many have about bdsm. The essential part of bdsm is that you have one party who is dominant and in control and the other party is submissive and surrenders control. It is this psycho sexual dynamic that makes it d/s. If one can get that the dynamic between parties is what is important and not the intensity or style of play then one can build a relationship that works for both parties. The type of play is only the chosen manner in which to express the dominant/submissive dynamic. It can be as simple as a blindfold or spanking as this puts one person in control over another, or it can be as complex as the mind of man can conceive. And bdsm'ers can conceive of some crazy stuff. If people can understand it is they dynamic they are trying to reinforce then they can choose the tools, toys and styles of play that support that. Bdsm is not about doing things you don't like. It's about doing things that both of you like. Some people like topping from the bottom. Nothing wrong with that if both parties enjoy the scene. Bdsm can be also only in the bedroom or can go all the way to 24/7. It's all good, if you are following your bliss. Just keep your understanding of the dynamic you are trying to establish and try to find different ways to do that. Stick with what you enjoy. And let other's enjoy their kink. Even if you don't play like others, it is fun to watch. There is a lot of crazy shit I won't do, but I do like to see others taking their play to some extreme. It doesn't make me want to do it. I get to enjoy my own muse.

Green Bay WI
 
 
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I think we are on the same page. I use the term negotiation which may seem very formal but it is simply the process of making sure we are playing on the same page. It can be and is often very casual. When playing with new people it is usually the responsibility of the experienced players to lead and teach along the way. I don't mean to make it sound too ponderous. I just sometimes wonder how often it is the lack of communication that leads to poor outcomes.

Green Bay WI
 
 
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*chuckle*

I think we are actually on the same page here. I call it communication. In our 'swinging' lives it usually falls to myself to deal with this of course. MY goal is to accomplish all that in the course of conversation during chat and/or when we meet. All what we all do. At least what I feel we should all should do. It's usually a pretty amicable process. On the other hand I sometimes get the feeling from 'bdsm people' (whatever that is) that anything short of a written contract is somehow demeaning....lol. This is where I feel some of us lose 'perspective' when it comes to new meat ...um...er, I ,mean new PEOPLE from the swingers world having enough interest to reach out for more. Perhaps it's something as simple as the use of 'buzz words' and what they mean to each group? Or perhaps the different expectations each group comes to the table with is closer to the center of it?

Thoughts?

East Fishkill NY
 
 
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I love the idea of mentoring. That's what I do. Is is the skill of leading others at a pace they can learn. I'm not sure how you do bdsm play with others without negotiations at first to understand limits and directions and medical issues etc. The closest swingers get to negotiation is soft swap, full swap or bareback. It is the process of understanding everyone's limits and style of play. In bdsm, especially with newbies, these things need to be understood by all parties. For me the idea is to have a good scene that ends well for all parties. For me it can be very exciting to have a simple domination scene that turns on the submissive. It is the process of domination and submission that excites me, not necessarily the extent or type of play. Choosing the right play that brings a partner along is more satisfying that play that overwhelms a beginner. I see no value in that, so my goal is to use my creative energy to control the scene and to have a satisfied submissive that leaves, ready to come back for more. Once that trust and confidence is established, that is when you can move forward. Again, this is just how I do it.

Green Bay WI
 
 
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Hmmm...

not sure I agree with the necessity or need to learn negotiation to learn about BDSM. To specifically play with others? Perhaps.

Or perhaps what they need is a Mentor?

Almost EVERYONE I know or heard of began in BDSM with edge play during sex. A little spanking, some rope a set of nice cuffs....makes for a little fun in the bedroom. For some, that's the extent of it. For others it goes further-how far depends on them, right? How many of you that have advanced so far in BDSM began by emerging fully formed onto this earth as a Master or submissive? I think sometimes we forget how we all got here in the first place....

I don't need to become a race car driver to drive a car. I can do so very well thank you. AND my driving will improve and benefit from a 'racing course' and with lots of practice on a course. I'm STILL not a professional racer. HOWEVER-once I decide to race with a lot of others, it would be dangerous if I did not get a LOT more training on how to do that safely. Once you DO have that training, you are likely to develop your own practices and style. Eventually you may Mentor or teach.. How is BDSM different? As a 'professional' it is very easy to fall into an attitude of "well, if you are not doing what I had to do to get where I am, then you are not serious and therefore should not do it." That's just elitism. We also have a tendency to see other less trained individuals as a 'danger' that needs to be addressed, when really what we are feeling isatad embarrassed that WE did the same or worse in our past!!

How did you learn? Was there someone you could ask? Had yo placed yourself formally under a Mentor's guidance? I doubt that was the case for many these days. In the past, it was the only way to get 'introduced' to the BDSM community. How many of you Mentor today? I mean this for the Dominants AND submissives too! If not, you should. There are websites dedicated to this kind of idea of community and the teaching/learning dynamic. I won't offend the owners of this site by posting another sex site-please mail me if you would like the name.

No, what I think swingers that want to explore BDSM need is something the best of them already have; skills in communication. As long as they ask questions and do their 'due diligence' in researching and learning what they need to, to stay safe. It is ALSO a responsibility of those already there(here?) to offer help and advice when approached for it. It IS after all a community.

My thoughts only

East Fishkill NY
 
 
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"If swingers want to explore bdsm with others then they need to learn the art of negotiation. It's not something the swinger community usually does."

This was a very interesting insight... one I hadn't thought of before.

New Market MD
 
 
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I think one of the challenges of blending swinging with bdsm is that bdsm is so expansive. The variety of activities, toys and mind fucks can be over whelming. I love the diversity of the pan sexual community, but for a new person it can be scary and disturbing. A new person does not know what to expect and they may have stereotypes that are misleading. It's also true that a lot of dominant men are idiots. So put those two together and not much good will come of it. Good bdsm play with others takes time and negotiation. You should know what kind of play to expect before ever beginning. A dom who cannot respect the limits and needs of the submissive is not a dom worthy of respect. If swingers want to explore bdsm with others then they need to learn the art of negotiation. It's not something the swinger community usually does. But it is critical in bdsm play.

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I wanted to cross post this from another thread...

In addition to all of the work that a Dominant puts into a 'scene', some, like myself was Mentored doing even more. For instance, I make all of the leather that will ever touch MrsMuir's body. It takes more time and certainly more effort, but it is so valuable to ME as it allows me to contemplate all aspects of it as I make it. Will this rub, or cut her in heavy use. Will it be the exact right size? Will she be able to wear it for long periods without any ill effects? I put the same care into my floggers and paddles. NEVER has an impact tool touched her skin before it I knew on my own skin, how it would feel to her. I also choose her dress for parties and 'lifestyle' (how I dislike that word) events. The preparations involved in Nawa-do (the way of the rope) are even more extensive. The list is nearly endless. And I would not have it ANY other way.

East Fishkill NY
 
 
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Mr. Ghost ~~ My favorite part :)

kat

Morgantown PA
 
 
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PAFunCouple ~~ Thank you so much :)

twofreaky ~~ I'm not sure what you mean when you say you're not sure if you're into it yet, and what happens if you "only want to be the dom one?" Is this the male or female posting? It doesn't matter if you're male or female - you need to go with what is in your nature. What comes natural. Please understand, though, many people are neither Dom nor sub (or switch). For now, read, Google and explore. Part of the fun is the journey. You may find that yes, you are a Dom/Domme! Or, you may find you simply enjoy rough sex now and then or doing scenarios. Either way, it's all good. Your play is your play. I just think it's great that you're exploring :)

kat

Morgantown PA
 
 
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TOPIC: Difficult to find swingers who are also interested in BDSM