Difficult to find swingers who are also interested in BDSM: Swingers Discussion 1927091041

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Difficult to find swingers who are also interested in BDSM: Swingers Discussion 1927091041

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TOPIC: Difficult to find swingers who are also interested in BDSM

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User Details are only visible to members.	Starrynights Well stated. A d/s couple with experience already knows the fine lines and limits. It is when playing with someone new that negotiation (communication) is imperative. Doms and subs should be on the same page. Safewords allow for experimentation with limits while give the sub the ability to communicate during play if needed. Significant other Dom should always be able to intercede if necessary. The goal between all parties should be that the scene go well and end well. You need to figure that out ahead of time if it is not already understood by the players.
Green Bay WI			Username hidden (109 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Correction in what Kat stated. The sub DOES have something to say about the play. If Kat is with me she doesn't have to say anything because I've known her for 30 years. But, as I push the limits, her input is necessary. If Kat were with another D it would be imperative that she express her needs, her likes and dislikes for a particular scene. If a sub does not render some kind of guidelines to the D the sub puts the D in a risky position. He/She could cause harm and ruin the scene. No sub should put a D i this position. Pardon, while I go punish Kat for her post.
Morgantown PA			Username hidden (2965 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	I have found so many definitions of Dom, sub, switch...what I originally thought was the definition and my understanding is then challenged by yet another book or website. Could it be that everyone is right? Sweet, I fully agree with what you wrote. I feel there is a huge difference between those who only D/s during sex as opposed to those of us who live it (within reason) 24/7. But then, you read Jason's post: “Bdsm can be also only in the bedroom or can go all the way to 24/7. It's all good…” I will be careful in the future to never judge others in the BDSM LS - what works for a couple, works. Because of this huge spectrum, however, we come right back to the OP, lol. I guess the word "compromise" will come in to play...not with selection of a couple to play with, but in the play, as to what is and is not acceptable. I'm so glad that's not my decision or responsibility :) Kat
Morgantown PA			Username hidden (2965 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Sweettart You express the confusion that so many have about bdsm. The essential part of bdsm is that you have one party who is dominant and in control and the other party is submissive and surrenders control. It is this psycho sexual dynamic that makes it d/s. If one can get that the dynamic between parties is what is important and not the intensity or style of play then one can build a relationship that works for both parties. The type of play is only the chosen manner in which to express the dominant/submissive dynamic. It can be as simple as a blindfold or spanking as this puts one person in control over another, or it can be as complex as the mind of man can conceive. And bdsm'ers can conceive of some crazy stuff. If people can understand it is they dynamic they are trying to reinforce then they can choose the tools, toys and styles of play that support that. Bdsm is not about doing things you don't like. It's about doing things that both of you like. Some people like topping from the bottom. Nothing wrong with that if both parties enjoy the scene. Bdsm can be also only in the bedroom or can go all the way to 24/7. It's all good, if you are following your bliss. Just keep your understanding of the dynamic you are trying to establish and try to find different ways to do that. Stick with what you enjoy. And let other's enjoy their kink. Even if you don't play like others, it is fun to watch. There is a lot of crazy shit I won't do, but I do like to see others taking their play to some extreme. It doesn't make me want to do it. I get to enjoy my own muse.
Green Bay WI			Username hidden (109 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	I think the biggest difference between curious swing couples and true bdsm couples is the D/S part. I know for us we enjoy the physical aspect, but we are not a d/s couple. We both then to switch and top from the bottom, with the wife playing the more dominant roll, if she's being tied up , spanked,flogged,having her haired pulled ect it's because she's telling you to do it. I think if she was ever confronted by a true dom all hell would break loose. But that all gets left in the bed room, unlike all the bdsm couples we have met who carry those rolls over into their everyday lives.
New Orleans LA			Username hidden (2225 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	I think we are on the same page. I use the term negotiation which may seem very formal but it is simply the process of making sure we are playing on the same page. It can be and is often very casual. When playing with new people it is usually the responsibility of the experienced players to lead and teach along the way. I don't mean to make it sound too ponderous. I just sometimes wonder how often it is the lack of communication that leads to poor outcomes.
Green Bay WI			Username hidden (109 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	chuckle I think we are actually on the same page here. I call it communication. In our 'swinging' lives it usually falls to myself to deal with this of course. MY goal is to accomplish all that in the course of conversation during chat and/or when we meet. All what we all do. At least what I feel we should all should do. It's usually a pretty amicable process. On the other hand I sometimes get the feeling from 'bdsm people' (whatever that is) that anything short of a written contract is somehow demeaning....lol. This is where I feel some of us lose 'perspective' when it comes to new meat ...um...er, I ,mean new PEOPLE from the swingers world having enough interest to reach out for more. Perhaps it's something as simple as the use of 'buzz words' and what they mean to each group? Or perhaps the different expectations each group comes to the table with is closer to the center of it? Thoughts?
East Fishkill NY			Username hidden (2777 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	I love the idea of mentoring. That's what I do. Is is the skill of leading others at a pace they can learn. I'm not sure how you do bdsm play with others without negotiations at first to understand limits and directions and medical issues etc. The closest swingers get to negotiation is soft swap, full swap or bareback. It is the process of understanding everyone's limits and style of play. In bdsm, especially with newbies, these things need to be understood by all parties. For me the idea is to have a good scene that ends well for all parties. For me it can be very exciting to have a simple domination scene that turns on the submissive. It is the process of domination and submission that excites me, not necessarily the extent or type of play. Choosing the right play that brings a partner along is more satisfying that play that overwhelms a beginner. I see no value in that, so my goal is to use my creative energy to control the scene and to have a satisfied submissive that leaves, ready to come back for more. Once that trust and confidence is established, that is when you can move forward. Again, this is just how I do it.
Green Bay WI			Username hidden (109 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Hmmm... not sure I agree with the necessity or need to learn negotiation to learn about BDSM. To specifically play with others? Perhaps. Or perhaps what they need is a Mentor? Almost EVERYONE I know or heard of began in BDSM with edge play during sex. A little spanking, some rope a set of nice cuffs....makes for a little fun in the bedroom. For some, that's the extent of it. For others it goes further-how far depends on them, right? How many of you that have advanced so far in BDSM began by emerging fully formed onto this earth as a Master or submissive? I think sometimes we forget how we all got here in the first place.... I don't need to become a race car driver to drive a car. I can do so very well thank you. AND my driving will improve and benefit from a 'racing course' and with lots of practice on a course. I'm STILL not a professional racer. HOWEVER-once I decide to race with a lot of others, it would be dangerous if I did not get a LOT more training on how to do that safely. Once you DO have that training, you are likely to develop your own practices and style. Eventually you may Mentor or teach.. How is BDSM different? As a 'professional' it is very easy to fall into an attitude of "well, if you are not doing what I had to do to get where I am, then you are not serious and therefore should not do it." That's just elitism. We also have a tendency to see other less trained individuals as a 'danger' that needs to be addressed, when really what we are feeling isatad embarrassed that WE did the same or worse in our past!! How did you learn? Was there someone you could ask? Had yo placed yourself formally under a Mentor's guidance? I doubt that was the case for many these days. In the past, it was the only way to get 'introduced' to the BDSM community. How many of you Mentor today? I mean this for the Dominants AND submissives too! If not, you should. There are websites dedicated to this kind of idea of community and the teaching/learning dynamic. I won't offend the owners of this site by posting another sex site-please mail me if you would like the name. No, what I think swingers that want to explore BDSM need is something the best of them already have; skills in communication. As long as they ask questions and do their 'due diligence' in researching and learning what they need to, to stay safe. It is ALSO a responsibility of those already there(here?) to offer help and advice when approached for it. It IS after all a community. My thoughts only
East Fishkill NY			Username hidden (2777 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	"If swingers want to explore bdsm with others then they need to learn the art of negotiation. It's not something the swinger community usually does." This was a very interesting insight... one I hadn't thought of before.
New Market MD			Username hidden (193 post)

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TOPIC: Difficult to find swingers who are also interested in BDSM