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Difficult to find swingers who are also interested in BDSM : Swingers Discussion 1927091041
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TOPIC: Difficult to find swingers who are also interested in BDSM
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I love the idea of mentoring. That's what I do. Is is the skill of leading others at a pace they can learn. I'm not sure how you do bdsm play with others without negotiations at first to understand limits and directions and medical issues etc. The closest swingers get to negotiation is soft swap, full swap or bareback. It is the process of understanding everyone's limits and style of play. In bdsm, especially with newbies, these things need to be understood by all parties. For me the idea is to have a good scene that ends well for all parties. For me it can be very exciting to have a simple domination scene that turns on the submissive. It is the process of domination and submission that excites me, not necessarily the extent or type of play. Choosing the right play that brings a partner along is more satisfying that play that overwhelms a beginner. I see no value in that, so my goal is to use my creative energy to control the scene and to have a satisfied submissive that leaves, ready to come back for more. Once that trust and confidence is established, that is when you can move forward. Again, this is just how I do it.

Green Bay WI
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Hmmm...

not sure I agree with the necessity or need to learn negotiation to learn about BDSM. To specifically play with others? Perhaps.

Or perhaps what they need is a Mentor?

Almost EVERYONE I know or heard of began in BDSM with edge play during sex. A little spanking, some rope a set of nice cuffs....makes for a little fun in the bedroom. For some, that's the extent of it. For others it goes further-how far depends on them, right? How many of you that have advanced so far in BDSM began by emerging fully formed onto this earth as a Master or submissive? I think sometimes we forget how we all got here in the first place....

I don't need to become a race car driver to drive a car. I can do so very well thank you. AND my driving will improve and benefit from a 'racing course' and with lots of practice on a course. I'm STILL not a professional racer. HOWEVER-once I decide to race with a lot of others, it would be dangerous if I did not get a LOT more training on how to do that safely. Once you DO have that training, you are likely to develop your own practices and style. Eventually you may Mentor or teach.. How is BDSM different? As a 'professional' it is very easy to fall into an attitude of "well, if you are not doing what I had to do to get where I am, then you are not serious and therefore should not do it." That's just elitism. We also have a tendency to see other less trained individuals as a 'danger' that needs to be addressed, when really what we are feeling isatad embarrassed that WE did the same or worse in our past!!

How did you learn? Was there someone you could ask? Had yo placed yourself formally under a Mentor's guidance? I doubt that was the case for many these days. In the past, it was the only way to get 'introduced' to the BDSM community. How many of you Mentor today? I mean this for the Dominants AND submissives too! If not, you should. There are websites dedicated to this kind of idea of community and the teaching/learning dynamic. I won't offend the owners of this site by posting another sex site-please mail me if you would like the name.

No, what I think swingers that want to explore BDSM need is something the best of them already have; skills in communication. As long as they ask questions and do their 'due diligence' in researching and learning what they need to, to stay safe. It is ALSO a responsibility of those already there(here?) to offer help and advice when approached for it. It IS after all a community.

My thoughts only

East Fishkill NY
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"If swingers want to explore bdsm with others then they need to learn the art of negotiation. It's not something the swinger community usually does."

This was a very interesting insight... one I hadn't thought of before.

New Market MD
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I think one of the challenges of blending swinging with bdsm is that bdsm is so expansive. The variety of activities, toys and mind fucks can be over whelming. I love the diversity of the pan sexual community, but for a new person it can be scary and disturbing. A new person does not know what to expect and they may have stereotypes that are misleading. It's also true that a lot of dominant men are idiots. So put those two together and not much good will come of it. Good bdsm play with others takes time and negotiation. You should know what kind of play to expect before ever beginning. A dom who cannot respect the limits and needs of the submissive is not a dom worthy of respect. If swingers want to explore bdsm with others then they need to learn the art of negotiation. It's not something the swinger community usually does. But it is critical in bdsm play.

Green Bay WI
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I wanted to cross post this from another thread...

In addition to all of the work that a Dominant puts into a 'scene', some, like myself was Mentored doing even more. For instance, I make all of the leather that will ever touch MrsMuir's body. It takes more time and certainly more effort, but it is so valuable to ME as it allows me to contemplate all aspects of it as I make it. Will this rub, or cut her in heavy use. Will it be the exact right size? Will she be able to wear it for long periods without any ill effects? I put the same care into my floggers and paddles. NEVER has an impact tool touched her skin before it I knew on my own skin, how it would feel to her. I also choose her dress for parties and 'lifestyle' (how I dislike that word) events. The preparations involved in Nawa-do (the way of the rope) are even more extensive. The list is nearly endless. And I would not have it ANY other way.

East Fishkill NY
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And of course, the time alone with our pets AFTER the [event. party, performance, et al] is the best of all. What we 'work for' so to speak.....

East Fishkill NY
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question, is it a problem when only one partner is interested, i am not into as of yet but searching for some answers, i need a coach, and is it as fun if i only want to be the dom one, i know little but need to know more of the rules,.

Baldwin NY
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wow STARRY NIGHTS HAVE TO SAY VERY HOTT PROFILE AND YOUR BODS ARE HOTT ALSO

Chambersburg PA
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BDSM play should always be negotiated when playing with someone new. Any good dom wants and needs to know the submissives limits. I would make sure we are all on the same page before ever going forward. If there is any nervousness then her top dom should watch and be prepared to step in if needed. The new dom should be briefed before play of any concerns. If the new dom can't or won't understand the importance of these things then playing should not be an option. Bdsm is about control and submission. It is not about unlimited pain or any other non consensual acts. The submissive has the right to set limits and the dom has the obligation to play within those limits and the top dom has the right of ultimate control. The new dom only plays with the consent and oversight of top dom. Playing with others is great fun, but there needs to be trust and confidence. If the other players do not inspire confidence, then either the mix is wrong or the limits have not been negotiated sufficiently. Have the new dom start slowly and work up with the submissive. The objective should be that all have a good time and that the scene end well. Find people to play with that have this understanding and you can go a long way. Good luck.

Green Bay WI
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Check out my group and newsletter. BDSM + Swing = More Fun. We started with bdsm and I know that there are a lot of closet bdsm urges out there. Bdsm is a perfect fit with swinging when you can find the right people. This a new group and might be a good fit. Please add your comments, suggestions and questions.

We are here, we just have to find and teach and play with each other. My newsletter is designed to make sure we are all on the same page as to how we play. It needs always to be safe, sane and consensual. (SSC). That way everybody has fun in a safe way.

Good luck and best wishes.

Green Bay WI
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TOPIC: Difficult to find swingers who are also interested in BDSM