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TOPIC: Curiosity_about_the_BDSM_lifestyle
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Find you a sub who likes what you like, be upfront about your lack of experience and practice, practice, practice...

Going to parties are fun and you will learn a few things BUT just because someone has more experience doesn't mean they are better to learn from. I've met countless people over the years and many of them were pretty out there (crazy).

You can be a top without having a dominant personality. I know quite a few dominant personalities who haven't a clue about BDSM.

Pittsburgh PA
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In my view about dominance and submission is it is an orientation AND a skill set. It is both.

Be open to learning from others. Doesn't mean you will agree with everyone you hear or read, or do things the way they do, but be open to learning from people who are experienced, open and committed to growing. An inclination towards being dominant or submissive is essential, but without skills, and effort - working at it - that is where it stays: unrealized, latent, undeveloped.

There are good books out there, written by people who know what they talking about and are known in the community, with a lot of great information that can help you build your skills, and help you consider ideas you otherwise might never consider.

San Luis Obispo CA
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My advice is first read up and educate yourself. Going to gatherings is great, but of course there will be a wide range of ideas and experience - just because someone is at a gathering doesn't mean they know what they are talking about. (You want to find people who are experienced, well known, and well respected who are willing to help you learn. Look for friendship and people who can mentor you - not people looking for play partners or who want to "teach" you by topping you.) Here's a reading list I'd suggest:

• Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Philip Miller and Molly Devon • The Loving Dominant by John Warren

• The Control Book by Peter Masters

• SM 101 by Jay Wiseman

• The Master's Manual: A Handbook of Erotic Dominance by Jack Rinella

San Luis Obispo CA
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Find a local munch in your area and meet some of the people in your area that can point you in the right direction as far as events happening close to you.

Center Valley PA
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Starz ~ what is your interest in BDsM? What turns you on about it? I'm not asking to be combative (which sometimes needs to be clarified here), only to find out where you think your predelictions lie.

BDsM runs the spectrum from fuzzy handcuffs to blood being drawn and from giggly, in the moment control to real 24/7, no bullshit "You will ask me if you can go pee" control. It all works, as long as you know what you want.

Yes, there are times when subbies are humilated. Chances are that they enjoy it. We all have our kink. LOL! subbies may be told to do things that it appears to most people that they are being forced to do against their will. If the Dom/me is the real deal, they know their subbie's mind and know how far to push them and still maintain the trust and not break them.

Humiliation does *not* have to be a part of BDsM. Some people like it. Some don't. What makes a Dom/subbie relationship work well long term is that what they both enjoy, crave, need and fantasize about is similar and grows in the same direction.

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LMAO!!!!!!!! wow amazing

Pittsgrove NJ
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hello starz, definately i can understand how you feel that subs can be degraded. I have had people say this to me as well. It is hard to explain really. The dom/domme sees their sub as a precious gem, as the most precious jewel. They seem to be "mean" I suppose...but to a sub, being taken and dominated by someone who sees them for their true self...there is nothing like it. It is refreshing, almost like a cleansing. It is hard for me to explain, the feeling you get from it.

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lol@ricky. You just can't help yourself, can you? :-D

From my previous post which you apparently forgot to read or couldn't comprehend:

"I have openly stated that I know very little about this fetish..."

"I will not offer advice on bdsm as I am not qualified."

So what's your excuse for "pontificating" ricky?

I will offer one piece of advice that is pretty universally accepted as lesson #1. You need to practice self-restraint before you try to restrain others.

New Orleans LA
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Be careful Lynn. Others have expressed curiosity about bdsm and gotten roundly criticized for their efforts. As Kitty mentioned, there seems to be a lot of different kinks and if you express one that is different from the self-proclaimed experts here, you may be ridiculed.

I have openly stated that I know very little about this fetish yet I have engaged in some forms of it, I just didn't know the terminology. There is one couple here where the husband says he has little experience but wants to learn while his wife claims to be the end-all know-all. Wonder who her dom is, lol.

I will not offer advice on bdsm as I am not qualified. My only advice to you is not to believe everything you read here and maybe pick up the book Kitty mentioned. Good luck!

New Orleans LA
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No reason for someone to take offense to your question.

BDSM is really hard to boil down to generalized statements since at it's core it involves a variety of different aspects. B/D=Bondage and Discipline D/S=Domination and Submission S/M=Sadism and Masochism. Some people prescribe to just one of those while others might enjoy all aspects. Also, within even these categories there are seemingly innumerable numbers of Kinks. Some kinks do center around humiliation or degradation. A submissive may enjoy these things in various forms--whether it's physical, emotional, or mental.

So yes... some people my prefer a flavor of BDSM which is more degrading to the submissive, but not ALL BDSM is oriented that way. Some seem submission and dominance as complimentary gifts to be given and accepted by one another--that there is beauty in the dynamic. I know that for our own dynamic... trust and respect is paramount between us. Even in scenes that might be "rough" for Kitty physically, mentally, or emotionally... we have discussed the scene prior to engaging in it and have 'negotiated' what is and isn't acceptable. Along with always having safewords.

Both of us have also wondered if there are events or things that could cause a predilection for BDSM in people. It could be an interesting psychology evaluation. However, in our own sphere of friends... we haven't found any consistent theme. Folks come from all walks of life and all sorts of backgrounds and careers.

Just as I started this reply by indicating just how many varieties and flavors of BDSM there are... these are just my own thoughts and views on the matter. Depending on who you talk to, you may receive just as many answers.

There are also some great books about BDSM ('Different Loving' by Gloria Brahme, for example) and some wonderful online resources, as well. Even just to satisfy some curiosity, peeking at the forums on FetLife dot com can be an interesting adventure. As with any group, there are some who take things to greater extremes than others.

Denver CO
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TOPIC: Curiosity about the BDSM lifestyle
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