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TOPIC: BDSM_at_Swinger's_Clubs
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DEFLHRICL (sorry if i missed a letter or two)

You may want to look into Black Rose. They are a bdsm lifestyle group based in DC. Look for munches in your area as well. There you can meet others in a vanilla atmosphere and possibly make friends and learn from them.

to the Op,

I've watched entire house parties stop to watch a couple spank or flog. At an event I regularly help there is a dungeon run by a gentlemen that lets women try their hand at subbing. The ladies usually leave the room horny as hell.

Harmony FL
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Stgla "But I'm still curious how you can watch something, be titillated by it, and not want to try it yourselves."

Good question, I think its something like watching a gangbang, being excited by it, but not wanting to participate. Or, considering some of the skills involved in BDSM, maybe a better analogy is like watching two evolved poker players, enjoying the mental and physical game immensely, but not wanting to gamble. It's hard to say exactly; I'm not sure our interest has peaked with the light play and viewing others - but that is where it currently sits.

Oklahoma City OK
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@stgalacouple gives some good thoughts. It is very important to know what you are doing, know the risks, and take it slow. A great way to start for someone new is to read all you can - I suggest starting with the classic SM 101 by Jay Wiseman. It is an excellent read, and covers a tremendous amount information and advice.

Other books I'd suggest are: •Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Philip Miller and Molly Devon •The Loving Dominant by John Warren •The Control Book by Peter Masters

San Luis Obispo CA
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"So then, how does a couple of newbies proceed?"

This question would require a very detailed answer, but I'll take a shot at a short version.

Proceed slowly and safely.

The dom/top should know the health status of the sub/bottom. Everything from a trick knee to blood pressure and blood sugar issues. All health conditions are potentially important.

If you're going to session, NO drugs or alcohol. An experienced D/s couple might take one drink beforehand, but not a double.

For restraint/bondage, if circulation is impaired, remove or loosen the restraint or bond every 10 minutes (yes, this is very conservative). For beginners, leather cuffs and handcuffs are safer than rope. Learn how to lock handcuff shackles so they don't keep tightening up.

For impact play start by only reddening the skin. No intentional bruising for beginners. Move the area of impact around. Never hit near the kidneys. Doms should practice with their instruments of choice on pillows, etc. so they can hit where they want to hit. Spank with the fingers, not with the heel of the hand.

Communicate with each other. For beginners, "stop" means stop. You can get into safewords/safe actions later. No gags if you're doing impact play until you're more advanced.

Don't try to push too far too fast.

Find mentors. If you're on SLS, you'd probably like to play with others anyway, and experienced doms/subs can be a lot of help to you. I've mentored several new doms in various techniques; most doms are glad to do that, and even experienced doms like to watch and then try out things with which they aren't familiar with a dom who is.

I've deliberately been very conservative here. I hope others with experience will chime in here if there are things I should have mentioned but didn't. I also haven't given you the "why" for most of these guidelines. If something doesn't seem logical, ask for the why.

Kitty Hawk NC
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So then, how does a couple of newbies proceed. A bottom that likes being a bottom and a top that enjoys being a top. How can he go about making it a fun and long lasting experience for her.

She loves being restrained and spanked and I love doing it.

Montverde FL
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@stgalacouple writes: "I do think that many people, no matter how erotic they find BDSM when they watch it, are reluctant to try it themselves. I'm not sure why. Does it look too dangerous? Does it seem to require a lot of skill? Is it something nice people wouldn't do? I just don't know."

(You know this, but for those who may not) in bdsm one participant is the "top," the doer, and takes the active, driver role. The "bottom" receives the actions and sensations given by the top. The top is the driver because the bottom consents, and vice versa. Both need each other's consent to participate. Consent is gained through negotiation prior to the activities taking place, and is maintained throughout.

A person who decides they want to experiment as a bottom isn't likely to have a top-orientated partner. More likely their partner has no clue how to go about it, and finds the whole idea uncomfortable. Perhaps they agree to try, but it doesn't fit for them. (More likely they are BOTH orientated towards being bottoms.)

The hard thing for bottom-orientated people is there are relatively few skilled tops. The skewed ratio means finding even a moderately competent top can be difficult.

There is wanting to, and then there is skilled and able. It's easier for someone wanting to experiment with being a top, and it's more likely they can find willing bottoms. The problem with that for the bottoms is there are all these would-be tops out there with no skills. Being a novice's test dummy isn't likely the experience a bottom is looking for, and can be dangerous.

San Luis Obispo CA
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Stgalcouple, we were at a club that we frequent and in a private room that had a window for others to look into there were two couples enjoying themselves. When we looked in the one of the men was performing oral sex on the other male. That's not something that we would ever do nor has there been the desire to but there were also many other couples looking at their performance. We'd guess that in a lot of cases it's just a good dose of curiosity.

Center Valley PA
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LL,

Of course you're right. Even the most vanilla people experiment with things that involve control, restraint (neckties and handcuffs), and spanking.

But I'm still curious how you can watch something, be titillated by it, and not want to try it yourselves. But your answer does leave open the possibility that you might go further in the future, having watched others session.

I do think that many people, no matter how erotic they find BDSM when they watch it, are reluctant to try it themselves. I'm not sure why. Does it look too dangerous? Does it seem to require a lot of skill? Is it something nice people wouldn't do? I just don't know.

Thanks for replying!

- ST

Kitty Hawk NC
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"If you find it "titillating and entertaining," why don't you "participate in any BDSM yourselves"? Your answer to that question may explain why there isn't more crossover."

Does it have to be all or nothing; participate or else don't watch? Can't just be interested? Like many people we've played lightly at home; but we don't feel much desire for progression. On the other hand, seeing those fully engaged in a lifestyle different than our own is intriguing and adds interesting fantasy elements at home. "So, why don't we participate?" Ans: We haven't felt the desire, when and if we do, then we will. Until then, we still wish the worlds had a little more crossover. Cheers!

Oklahoma City OK
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"We wish there was more crossover."

LL,

If you find it "titillating and entertaining," why don't you "participate in any BDSM yourselves"?

Your answer to that question may explain why there isn't more crossover.

- ST

Kitty Hawk NC
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TOPIC: BDSM at Swinger's Clubs
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