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TOPIC: BDSM_at_Swinger's_Clubs
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@stgalacouple writes: "I do think that many people, no matter how erotic they find BDSM when they watch it, are reluctant to try it themselves. I'm not sure why. Does it look too dangerous? Does it seem to require a lot of skill? Is it something nice people wouldn't do? I just don't know."

(You know this, but for those who may not) in bdsm one participant is the "top," the doer, and takes the active, driver role. The "bottom" receives the actions and sensations given by the top. The top is the driver because the bottom consents, and vice versa. Both need each other's consent to participate. Consent is gained through negotiation prior to the activities taking place, and is maintained throughout.

A person who decides they want to experiment as a bottom isn't likely to have a top-orientated partner. More likely their partner has no clue how to go about it, and finds the whole idea uncomfortable. Perhaps they agree to try, but it doesn't fit for them. (More likely they are BOTH orientated towards being bottoms.)

The hard thing for bottom-orientated people is there are relatively few skilled tops. The skewed ratio means finding even a moderately competent top can be difficult.

There is wanting to, and then there is skilled and able. It's easier for someone wanting to experiment with being a top, and it's more likely they can find willing bottoms. The problem with that for the bottoms is there are all these would-be tops out there with no skills. Being a novice's test dummy isn't likely the experience a bottom is looking for, and can be dangerous.

San Luis Obispo CA
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Stgalcouple, we were at a club that we frequent and in a private room that had a window for others to look into there were two couples enjoying themselves. When we looked in the one of the men was performing oral sex on the other male. That's not something that we would ever do nor has there been the desire to but there were also many other couples looking at their performance. We'd guess that in a lot of cases it's just a good dose of curiosity.

Center Valley PA
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LL,

Of course you're right. Even the most vanilla people experiment with things that involve control, restraint (neckties and handcuffs), and spanking.

But I'm still curious how you can watch something, be titillated by it, and not want to try it yourselves. But your answer does leave open the possibility that you might go further in the future, having watched others session.

I do think that many people, no matter how erotic they find BDSM when they watch it, are reluctant to try it themselves. I'm not sure why. Does it look too dangerous? Does it seem to require a lot of skill? Is it something nice people wouldn't do? I just don't know.

Thanks for replying!

- ST

Kitty Hawk NC
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"If you find it "titillating and entertaining," why don't you "participate in any BDSM yourselves"? Your answer to that question may explain why there isn't more crossover."

Does it have to be all or nothing; participate or else don't watch? Can't just be interested? Like many people we've played lightly at home; but we don't feel much desire for progression. On the other hand, seeing those fully engaged in a lifestyle different than our own is intriguing and adds interesting fantasy elements at home. "So, why don't we participate?" Ans: We haven't felt the desire, when and if we do, then we will. Until then, we still wish the worlds had a little more crossover. Cheers!

Oklahoma City OK
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"We wish there was more crossover."

LL,

If you find it "titillating and entertaining," why don't you "participate in any BDSM yourselves"?

Your answer to that question may explain why there isn't more crossover.

- ST

Kitty Hawk NC
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At the last party we attended, a couple of beautiful women played around a little. One allowed herself to be bound naked by her hands from the ceiling, while the other did some very light whipping across her ass. One of the women was the driver, having grabbed the whip several times through the evening and coaxing all evening in hopes of creating the little event. The room filled with swingers interested in watching - voyeurism is alive and well. But I also think there is a strong undercurrent of interest in the activities from swingers and don't see how its a bad thing. I don't believe anyone expects sexual activity must occur or is trying to define it, or is trying to play with the those being exhibitionist, I think they are just interested in watching. We don't participate in any BDSM ourselves, but our interest level in watching is high nonetheless - and we wonder if this is generally true of others. Anyhow, I know there is some bias both ways, but watching people skilled in bondage and other aspects of BDSM is titilating and entertaining. We wish there was more crossover. There seems to be some very serious and very judgemental people, yet the activities and lifestyles are in many ways reflections of the same aspirations.

Oklahoma City OK
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"Why would they be anti-sex?"

That's a good question. Since we're not anti-sex, I can only tell you what I've heard from others who might be called anti-sex.

1) The Bill Clinton Problem. Sex only means intercourse. So if the purpose of BDSM is only some kind of foreplay to intercourse, they're not interested. No matter how aroused they get or how many orgasms they have, it isn't sex. So thanks, Bill, for helping people argue about the definition of what "sex" is.

2) The "We're Not Allowed to Have Sex" Problem. While most communities would rather not have swingers around, they'll usually look the other way at the various "private" clubs that pop up. No so with BDSM. With BDSM, sell liquor, have sex, have BDSM activities -- pick one and one only. Even in liberal cities, BDSM clubs tend to have very short lives. So if you're at a BDSM club and you see sex occurring, make a note in your diary because it's very rare.

3) The BDSMers Are Not Swingers Problem. Many BDSMers are monogamous, and don't want to have sex with partners not their own. What they want others to see when they play publicly is their skill with BDSM techniques and their enjoyment of what they're doing. They may have lots of sex, however defined, in private, but they don't want to have it with you or in public.

So when someone tells you that BDSM is not about sex, they may mean any one or a combination of these three things.

However, if someone practicing BDSM doesn't find it erotic, if they think they deserve to be treated badly, or they are superior and deserve to treat others badly, those are people both other BDSMers and swingers should stay well away from. Play of any kind with such people won't have a happy ending.

Kitty Hawk NC
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I wonder why that is?

Almost everything we do that is not an everyday activity ends with sex. Our BD activities excite both of us and we all know where that leads. Why would they be "anti-sex"?

Montverde FL
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I have dungeon equipment at my party house. Sometimes it gets used at a "vanilla" party and sometimes not. Same with a club.

I don't think the reason is fear of rejection so much. It's more that only a small percentage of BDSM people are also into swinging (those are my people LOL). Many BDSM people look down on swingers and some are actually rather anti-sex.

Springfield VA
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We have our preferences - things we will and won't do and people we will and won't do. We'd like to think we're open minded and not done exploring, and right now, watching some BDSM interaction is interesting. LS, like everywhere, has prejudices, but it also has a lot of very accepting and adventerous people.

Oklahoma City OK
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TOPIC: BDSM at Swinger's Clubs
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