BDDsSM Open Forum: Swingers Discussion 43882

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TOPIC: BDDsSM Open Forum

Created by: mischiefnyou Original Starting post for this thread:
First topic Check lists. Why I don’t use them. At the BESS meeting someone said he asked potential subs to fill out their Bondage(dot)com profile. I refuse to answer/use them. Why? 1) My former activities have NO bearing on what I will/won’t be up for with a particular person. Just because I did XZY and liked it with Dom or sub A, doesn’t mean that activity will be OK with a new person. 2) They are too personal for a “stranger” to read. I’m not about to tell a new dom that I’m into..gang bangs, W/S, or hanging upside down while receiving 3 quart Starbuck's coffee enemas..while playing a flute..or any such thing. Example: My Mentor didn’t give one wit about my hard limits. They had NO bearing on what he did or didn’t do. He never asked about them. I never volunteered them. Unwittingly, I did convey what I didn’t like, found scary, or simply wouldn’t do. Those items became his focus. He took all of those no-nos and used them torment me. Guess what? They turned out not to be hard limits. Only stuff I would never do except for the pleasure of a very strong man. So much for check lists. I now look at those lists and laugh. The only things not negotiable are needle play (past addiction issues), children. I’m sure there may be more. Anything that could effect my health, ability to make a living, my marriage, monetary standing or have permanent consequences is out. He would never threaten these anyway. He cares, protects, and nurtures his toys. I trusted him with my life. 3) They might scare away potential partners. Let’s say DomDelight is hitting on me. Sees in my check list that I like to do Starbuck's scenes. He becomes intimidated that I’m too experienced, would demand he administer such enemas, and/or hates flutes. He might run the other way. Missing the fun we could have had. I am prepared to provide sex during a scene. DomDelight isn’t into being sexual with me. We can still have a great time. Misreading my check list could cause him to conclude that a scene with me would require sex. It doesn’t. 4) What should be discussed are KNOWN LAND MINES. LAND MINES are psychological/emotional issues that seem to come out of no where. A good Dominant is always prepared to shut down a scene and go straight to aftercare should a land mine be hit. I have hit LAND MINES during vanilla sex with a new woman. One lady started crying inconsolably while being sexual with me..for the first time. No, I wasn’t THAT bad. ;) After wrapped in a blanket and recovered, the land mine was discussed. I (a stranger) had treated her with more caring, respect, and attention than her husband had in years. She realized how far apart she and he had become. I am getting to know a woman for whom knives are a huge negative trigger. I found out because I mentioned them. She would have discovered my attraction to weapons very early on. Therefore, no knife play allowed. This is an open discussion list. What do others want to talk about? BiFem_Top

Created by: mischiefnyou
Original Starting post for this thread:

First topic  

Check lists. Why I don’t use them.

At the BESS meeting someone said he asked potential subs to fill out their Bondage(dot)com profile.  I refuse to answer/use them.  Why?  

1) My former activities have NO bearing on what I will/won’t be up for with a particular person. Just because I did XZY and liked it with Dom or sub A, doesn’t mean that activity will be OK with a new person.

2) They are too personal for a “stranger” to read.  I’m not about to tell a new dom that I’m into..gang bangs, W/S, or hanging upside down while receiving 3 quart Starbuck's coffee enemas..while playing a flute..or any such thing.

Example: My Mentor didn’t give one wit about my hard limits.  They had NO bearing on what he did or didn’t do.  He never asked about them.  I never volunteered them.  Unwittingly, I did convey what I didn’t like, found scary, or simply wouldn’t do.

Those items became his focus.  He took all of those no-nos and used them torment me.  Guess what?  They turned out not to be hard limits.  Only stuff I would never do except for the pleasure of a very strong man.  So much for check lists.  I now look at those lists and laugh.  

The only things not negotiable are needle play (past addiction issues), children. I’m sure  there may be more.  Anything that could effect my health, ability to make a living, my marriage, monetary standing or have permanent consequences is out.  He would never threaten these anyway.  He cares, protects, and nurtures his toys.  I trusted  him with my life.

3) They might scare away potential partners.  Let’s say DomDelight is hitting on me.  Sees in my check list that I like to do Starbuck's scenes.  He becomes intimidated that I’m too experienced, would demand he administer such enemas, and/or hates flutes. He might run the other way.  Missing the fun we could have had. 

I am prepared to provide sex during a scene.  DomDelight isn’t into being sexual with me.  We can still have a great time.  Misreading my check list could cause him to conclude that a scene with me would require sex.  It doesn’t.

4) What should be discussed are KNOWN LAND MINES.  LAND MINES are psychological/emotional issues that seem to come out of no where. A good Dominant is always prepared to shut down a scene and go straight to aftercare should a land mine be hit.

I have hit LAND MINES during vanilla sex with a new woman.  One lady started crying inconsolably while being sexual with me..for the first time. No, I wasn’t THAT bad. ;)  After wrapped in a blanket and recovered, the land mine was discussed.  I (a stranger) had treated her with more caring, respect, and attention than her husband had in years.  She realized how far apart she and he had become.

I am getting to know a woman for whom knives are a huge negative trigger. I found out because I mentioned them.  She would have discovered my attraction to weapons very early on.  Therefore, no knife play allowed.

This is an open discussion list.  What do others want to talk about?

BiFem_Top

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User Details are only visible to members.	For us it's always boiled down to knowledge, trust and communication.
Center Valley PA			Username hidden (8499 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	It doesn't matter the percentages. It matters what works for you. I LOVE D/s. There have only been two men who rated. I received a ridululous email from a couple wanting a "submissive, bi, toy." The "job" entailed wiping their and their kids ass. The letter was full of posturing and general nonsense about my "qualifications." These folks are delusional. The submissive/bottom is the one who checks out if said "dominant" is right for them. It doesn't matter what the general scene is. It matters what YOU want, need, desire. If you want high quality D/s, you must be willing to wait for the right person to grab your nape hair. You may wait years. Never settle. I have been spoiled to the highest degree. Good luck waiting. Don't let anyone define your scene for you. You are the one who chooses. To the "dominants/submissives" who don't read profiles. I'm NOT looking. I have a sub....thank you. Bifem_Top
Glen Burnie MD			Username hidden (2785 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	I apologize for getting off the topic of checklists, but the title does say open forum. I am a newbie who has had a facination for this subject for quite awhile. Hubby says this is all about pain because the local Yahoo group here in Chattanooga seems to be focused on just that. I am interested in the BD and DS aspects of BDSM...not so much in the SM aspect, although I know that getting a spanking does involve at least some stinging. In my mind it's all about the exchange of power/control. Can anyone offer any advice on what seems to them to be a percentage of the emphasis of pain vs. control in this lifestyle? Thanks in advance. - B
Chattanooga TN			Username hidden (3 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	I don't like checklists because they are tedious. But I do have two detailed Word documents to hand to prospective BDSM play partners. The "bottom" one explains what really turns me on, but is mostly an explanation of what I will NOT do and what I'll only do a certain way. Stay outside my boundaries and anything else is fair game. I can be much more detailed this way than in a conversation, when I'm sure to forget something. If I'm going to top someone, I want them to know about my experience, what I absolutely won't do even if they like it, and what I really get off on doing. Then we talk about their fantasies and limits. I would LOVE to get a document like mine from a prospective bottom. I hate it when a bottom wants me to guess at their desires. I'm a pervert, not a mind reader.
Springfield VA			Username hidden (262 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	"hanging upside down while receiving 3 quart Starbuck's coffee enemas..while playing a flute..or any such thing." It means what it says and I was kidding. I'm actually playing kazoo
Glen Burnie MD			Username hidden (2785 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	ok can someone please explain too me what starbuck enema and a flute are ?
Scottsville NY			Username hidden (7 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Actual communication has been replaced for many by checklists, acronyms, stilted syntax, leet-speak and chat room protocol. Along those lines, I have no idea why I must wear a color coded name tag to attend local meetings. Is my SM orientation important to proper coffee consumption? I like your questions. Along those lines, what questions and criteria do bottoms find most useful in assessing potential play partners? For me, nothing replaces observation, both in-scene and, almost as important, out of a scene.
Farmington MO			Username hidden (36 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Checklists: they make a fun thing to play with 5 years into a relationship and laugh at all the things you once thought you would never, could never in a million years be, ahem, persuaded to do (and enjoy). Otherwise, you're right: both way too broad and too limited in scope and I know if I answered all the questions honestly it would produce reams of paper and who has that much time. I'd rather just converse. Heavy bottoms: I am a danger to myself (and would be to a top who did not know me exteeeemly well) under the right combination of sexual stimuli, pain and mental triggers. Which is one reason we do no more than the mildest of play (if any) with any but the closest of friends and why I am never to scene without my primary partner present. Keeping a grip on your (the top's)self-control while also keeping a grip on your bottom and riding the scene to mutual satisfaction must be the ultimate head-trip. pup (another sharp shiny lover)
Farmington MO			Username hidden (36 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	When questioning self control, I look for the results I'm seeking. Am I getting where I wanted to go? Is the sub getting where they wanted to go? If I am not sure of a limit, I undershoot it. Those limits can be physical, psychological, sexual. That's part of the "rush" for me when topping. "The power of controlling the power." Anyone can beat the hell out of another. My power rush is maintaining control, perspective, contact with reality, and safety. It's not easy when your sub is possibly asking, accepting, craving more than is safe. Using the sub's response as the gauge, is not enough. Maintaining a grasp on consequences is where I go. good luck, Bifem_Top
Glen Burnie MD			Username hidden (2785 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	My Mentor stopped a scene because I was too far gone to safe word. Sub space can render a person unable to protect themselves. I personally, as a top, will stop a scene if It's beyond MY comfort level. Even if someone wants me to continue. He did beat the crap out of me that night. I was no worse for wear. My gf did freak at the bruises..though. I liked them...of course. Why? Because I'm a sick F***
Glen Burnie MD			Username hidden (2785 post)

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TOPIC: BDDsSM Open Forum