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Advice Please : Swingers Discussion 68368
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TOPIC: Advice Please
Created by: funlovintxcouple The original post for this thread was deleted.
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I have to say, this thread is fantastic. It is almost a year old, but I have read it from bottom to top and have already learned many things. Shelly

San Marcos TX
 
 
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The original post is almost a year old now. I hope things have progressed and eveyone's having a great time!

Great advice in the responses. A couple more things to consider if you're getting into BDSM play. First, see if you can find a real world group of folks in your area to meet with. There's nothing like face-to-face time with experienced people to help you get answers to your questions, and maybe raise questions you hadn't even thought of.

Also, there are some wonderful books out there that have great guidance on keeping your play both safe and exciting. "SM 101" (Jay Wiseman), "The Bottoming Book" and "The Topping Book" (both by Dossie Eastan and Catherine Lyste (not sure of the spelling)), all by Greenery Press, are three of our favorites. You may be able to find them at your local bookstore; we got ours at Borders.

Enjoy your play, Mrs SP

Santa Barbara CA
 
 
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i suggest you proceed with caution. To mirror what a few have said here already, there are very intense feelings between a Dom and sub. The emotional connection is so intense, at least for me, its near impossible not to fall in love. D/s is so different...the Dom stares straight into your soul, studies your every reaction, and frankly, learns to play (not in a bad way)your mind and your body like an instrument. And then there is the issue of " subspace." A Dom can only get you there if you completely let go, and basically entrust him with your life. And he can only safely keep you there and bring you back if you are emotionally connected to him. This is at least my experience. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Pearland TX
 
 
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i suggest you proceed with caution. To mirror what a few have said here already, there are very intense feelings between a Dom and sub. The emotional connection is so intense, at least for me, its near impossible not to fall in love. D/s is so different...the Dom stares straight into your soul, studies your every reaction, and frankly, learns to play (not in a bad way)your mind and your body like an instrument. And then there is the issue of " subspace." A Dom can only get you there if you completely let go, and basically entrust him with your life. And he can only safely keep you there and bring you back if you are emotionally connected to him. This is at least my experience. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Pearland TX
 
 
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Fun:

What the others are concerned about is the bonding that occurs during BDSM. The Bonding easily is transformed into love. They worry (Like most swingers) that you would then leave your hubby for your new found dom.

That's the main difference between BDSM and swinging. Swinging is about keeping your contact down so you don't have feelings for the other, bonding instead to you "team" mate (spouse). Effective BDSM requires bonding, the more the better. The fact that your dominant is married is of little consequence. They worry you will hurt your marriage/his or both.

I play both games. It can be done. I was in love with my Mentor. It was inevitable. In no way did that mean I was going to leave my husband. I am in love currently and have been for 7 years with a lovely woman. I have, can, and will fall in love with others. I keep perspective by regularly bonding with hubby.

This is a high risk game. I seem to be able to separate the strong feelings of love from my upper brain area. Meaning, I don't change my life's plan (growing old with hubby) for the temporary or longer term loving relationship(s) I find myself in.

Be careful. The waters of BDSM are wide, deep and swift. It is very easy to lose perspective and get lost in it's wilderness. I highly suggest you make sure to keep your head on straight. If you find yourself drifting away from hubby and vanilla sex, you stop the BDSM. Rebond with hubby and continue. There is no reward without risk. Greater Rewards=much greater risk.

Example. My former Mentor is a swinger. He was OK mentally with our bonding as long as he lived 5 states away. He could freely bond deeply and then abruptly leave thereby maintaining his distance. He was unable to do so when his job brought him up here for a 2 year period. He was unable to continue our BDSM relationship because we were too close. He was unable to tell me. He merely withdrew into swinging. It took me a couple of years to figure out where my Mentor went. For all his strength, he was unable to handle the bonding of BDSM and his relationship to his wife. He wisely chose her. That's why he was my Mentor.

Bifem_Top

Glen Burnie MD
 
 
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We're glad that it went well for you!!! As you get more comfortable things just get better and better!!!

Center Valley PA
 
 
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Another interesting post. We have found that the first BDSM experience can either make it or break it on may levels. When we first met, we had chatted for a bit over 6 weeks, having met in an alternative lifestyle web site. He was very specific about what he would do with me initially but after that, the plans for the day were not well defined. We agreed to meet in a restaurant after which he would be taking me to a dungeon for the afternoon. I too was married to a man who not only was not interested, but felt that anyone involved in the lifestyle was a predator, period. I remember him walking into the restaurant, late. I was about ready to give up on him thinking that like so many before him, he was all talk and no walk.....How wrong I was that day. We sat and chatted for a few minutes and then he suggested it was time to go. We left the restaurant to a waiting limo that would take us to our afternoon play space. He indicated that before I got out of that car, he would have me handcuffed, shackled, and ball gagged. As he finally pushed a rubber ball into my mouth, my heart was pounding, from fear, from excitement, and from the intensity of the moment. He escorted me into the dungeon, stripped me naked, and proceeded to tie me up in all sorts of positions using all manner of toys. Orgasms soon started and I was flying needless to say. 5 hours of bondage later, our afternoon ended. That was over 4 years ago. This weekend we had a newbie couple to our own play space in suburban Philadelphia totally unbeknownst to me. He was a budding dom with a truly sincere wife who wanted to be what he wanted her to be. It was a magnificent afternoon that hopefully convinced them that this is really all about fun. Find someone you can trust and go play. You will never forget the experience. C

Tampa FL
 
 
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Explaining what he's going to do, spending time developing trust, and that anticipation, all makes for even more excitement. Being a sub means actively putting yourself into someone else's hands.

My advice? Start a bit slowly...maybe blindfold, no tying, or tying, no blindfold, at first. The trust has to be earned, actually. Someone can "take control of you," but hey, I lived THAT for 20 years with an abusive, controlling man. That is not true submission. Now that I am with someone I love and trust completely, who loves me unconditionally and would never hurt me, well, NOW there is room for BDSM in it's purest form...a willing laying of myself into his very capable hands.

While that's said, I also enjoy being dominated more forcefully than my husband enjoys doing sometimes, so our "thing" would be to have him spreading my legs open, or holding me, while the Dom does his thing on me. That way I have both. That may not work for everyone, but it's worth talking about at the very least.

My hubby will then ask questions occasionally, "Is he hitting too hard," "are you ok with everything?" Stuff like that. Something to consider. Open communication about what you might or might not like is very important. It's not a turn off to discuss this stuff...it actually works the other way around, as anticipation of being dominated is part of its eroticsm.

Gina

San Antonio TX
 
 
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As someone in the reverse situation (he is a Dom, but I am not a sub), I can say that when we have been able to find someone who helps him satisfy that need (and thereby takes me off the hook from something that I do not enjoy), we both end up a lot happier with each other: he no longer feels stifled and unsatisfied on that level, and I no longer feel pressured to give him something that makes me unhappy or threatened by trying to play a role that I do not want to play.

HOWEVER, the big danger we've had is that if you are not playing with someone who is comfortable with doing on a "swinging" basis and who respects your relationship with your partner, it is VERY easy for them to try to use it as a wedge to get between you (i.e. "They'll never be able to make you happy the way that I can" crap).

Of course, that may be more of a danger with women looking to hold onto a man they get attached to than the other way around, but it has been a HUGE hurdle/danger for us, and the damage it's caused has been tremendous.

Bronx NY
 
 
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I am very Submissive and have been for years.It's very hard to find a couple to swing with that understands.Most men will not hit me as hard as I enjoy and they will not whip my pussy(something I just love).My master sometimes will tell them she needs more.The best I have gotton has come from a woman.I got her little mad at me.The last time I told the wife she looked like she had put on some weight since her pics were taken.She pull me by my hair,bent me over and hit my ass as hard as she could.My ass was covered with large red welts.She than rolled me over sat on my face and told me to stick my tounge up her asshole.She took her husbands belt and hit my pussy with it.My husband and her husband held my legs wide open and told her to hit me harder.I such a pain slut I cam so hard.You find someone who will please you too

Walker MI
 
 
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TOPIC: Advice Please