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dealing with guilt : Swingers Discussion 399691011
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TOPIC: dealing with guilt
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Sure, I understand what you are saying; that a person should let their own system of values and ethics lead them.

However, what I'm suggesting is that guilt related to a religious upbringing may not be this "problem" this specific individual is dealing with at all, and that simply listening, without contributing, and then asking the question, ""well, in addition to what you've told me, what else is really bothering you about this lifestyle?", might lead to the REAL issue.

Many swingers feel that the lifestyle tends to deaden the feelings of intimacy between the couple by the sharing the physical acts of sex. Many people equate sex with love, and in many ways it is. These are the people that tend to leave the lifestyle or split up. I am saying that this might be the issue the lady is trying to deal with. Instead of guilt, she may be dealing with fear.

The only way to know is to get her to talk more about it, and asking that question is a good tool to get someone to open up more.

Or not, too..... This is getting way too heavy, so I will leave it at that.

Cheers,

San Luis Obispo CA
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Quoting the Bible to help someone overcome guilt is, in cases like these, I think, somewhat self-serving and a bit hypocritical. You can quote the Bible and justify almost everything and conversely, demonize anything or anyone.

Not pointing at anyone here at all. I believe that after thinking about it, you would agree.

Anyway, I would keep the Bible out of it and have a very frank discussion with the lady to find the real issue(s). I don't think they have come out yet. After talking for about it and the lady spells out her reasons for "guilt" or not wanting to continue swinging, simply ask, "well, in addition to what you've told me, what else is really bothering you about this lifestyle?"

Don't be surprised by what you hear!

The lady may have felt coerced (I don't know, so don't get all worked up), or just generally does not like the people you've been with, or......who knows?

Try this and see what happens....maybe the same result.

San Luis Obispo CA
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I know what the thread is about , i was addressing another post on this thread that i agreed with is all. I have had several Friends and Partners with the same issues as the original posters wife. And really All i can say is, if shes feeling those guilty feelings chances are no one will be able to change her mind. Guilt is a powerful and stubborn emotion. I wish both of them luck and I really hope they can overcome it.

:)

Missy

Pittsburgh PA
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To me Cheating , dishonesty with partners are simply not apart of the swinging lifestyle. One of the most wonderful and common traits we all share while swinging is that we are extremely open and honest with our partners. Therefore I feel if it is consentual , openly discussed and approved by both parties , there is quite a difference between "cheating" and doing what we all do in the swinging scene.

cheat·ed, cheat·ing, cheats

1. To deceive by trickery; swindle: cheated customers by overcharging them for purchases. 2. To deprive by trickery; defraud: cheated them of their land. 3. To mislead; fool: illusions that cheat the eye. 4. To elude; escape: cheat death. just add my 2 cents, lol

Missy :)-

Pittsburgh PA
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David, I agree with you - if both parties are aware of what the other are doing, this is *not* cheating, and for us, it's not "wrong."

BUT . . . apparently your wife has some real issues here. Take your time, sort it out, don't put too much pressure on her (HELP her with her concerns,) and deal with whatever fall-out there may be.

Your relationship with her is *much* more important than any fun you'll have in the Lifestyle.

Just my two cents, Bill

Shadyside PA
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Suggest some biblical teaching. "Rejoice with the wife of your youth!"

If her up bringing focused on sex as only for procreative reasons.. Why is she sexual with you? Why is she not guilty there?

Focusing on the hopefully increased bonding you, as a couple have experienced, point out the good it's done. How much stronger your marriage is. How it compares to her more traditional friends.

Consider looking up the definition of adultery. Find one that concentrates on lying, betrayal etc.

good luck

Mischief

Glen Burnie MD
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Some people simply can't overcome their religious upbringing and the guilt DOES cause them to drop out. We had a wonderful couple with whom we played for a couple of years, and finally they just couldn't continue anymore because of her guilt feelings.

There may be no answer for that other than to do what your conscience dictates. But your "conscience" consists of all the "do's" and "don'ts" and "rights" and "wrongs" that were GIVEN TO YOU before you were old enough to even start kindergarten by all the Big People in your life.

If you can find a copy, try reading "Scripts People Live" by Claude Steiner. It will really open your eyes about just how "scripted" we are as small children. And how stuck we are with the script we were given until/unless we become consciously aware that we ARE scripted. Then we are free to examine that script and modify it or choose a new script for ourselves. Like adults should be!

I think that book will help you with this issue (and others) more than anything else I know of.

Personally, we don't see anything at all "sinful" about doing something that isn't cheating behind anyone's back, that is done with full consent and support of all the people involved, and that brings pleasure to all participants without causing damage to anyone.

Good luck!

Jim

South Riding VA
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Well first of all, each individual has their own thoughts and feelings about the issue. Both Randy and I were brought up with strong values and we sometimes have doubts about swinging, but overall, we just enjoy having fun. If a couple is doing something together, and it is something they both enjoy then there should be no guilt involved (easier said than done, though..lol). Every society has values, and each indiviudal has to choose which values that are most improtant to them. Randy and I just have different views of what is right and wrong then others do - and we think swinging is right and is something that we both get enjoyment out of. It has done nothing to damage our marraige, and in fact has enhanced our relationship.

Albany GA
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TOPIC: dealing with guilt