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Married but not to each other : Swingers Discussion 194092
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TOPIC: Married but not to each other
Created by: Dreamingofu4us The original post for this thread was deleted.
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Whenever people don't understand how swinging is not cheating, I say the following:

Cheating is whatever is against the rules. This goes for marriage, taxes, and Monopoly. In the case of swingers, we changed the rules via mutual agreement. Ergo, not cheating.

(mono- poly- - pun not intended).

Chesapeake VA
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Wow! Have to agree with all the advice given to the original poster. Trust, permission, mutual respect with our life partners is primary when you are a couple in the LS. And all married couples have different vows (we weren't thinking about LS when we got married, but we didn't include most of those old fashioned statements). That is why so many folks will not play with a "cheating husband/wife". Did she want advice, validation, or to find that elusive unicorn willing to be the third wheel? Hard to tell.

Las Vegas NV
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I've read through some of these posts. The fact that you see no difference between a couple who swings together with full disclosure vs a "couple" composed of two cheating halves of two marriages says to me that you have no clue what swinging is about. I can't say with certainty that every couple we've ever met has been completely on-the-level, but we'll never KNOWINGLY go there with people that we know are cheating.

Swinging is about trust, openness and giving. Cheating is about lies, deception and selfishness. These are worlds apart. Why would I want to play with someone that is doing just about the worst possible thing to the person they swore to love?

Best advice I can give you if you still want to be in this together: lie. Pretend you're a couple and don't tell anyone. Honesty will get you mostly met with hostility.

Chesapeake VA
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Here's the thing:

If you are really a "couple" posting here under the circumstances you describe (and I have my doubts about this), then you have some big issues.

First.....let me state that I have a live and let live attitude. I don't hold with the majority opinion that two people in your situation should be ostracized. This is your thing and I am certain there are many members out there who are interested in playing with you.

Second....You will find it very difficult or impossible to hook up with a single woman to join you. Maybe with a couple, but your profile discourages couples and single men. You should open your profile and enjoy yourself.

Third....I agree that your lover is just using you. He is...believe that. In my opinion, everything about your situation just points to that. It's win/win for him and so-so/lose for you.

Fourth....if you think your marriage is not savable, get a divorce right now before you get more age on yourself. You still have time to recover. Once you push your lover toward the same, he will run like hell.

Fifth....everyone needs physical attention and you are no different. Make sure you emerge from this relationship with your lover (it will end sooner than later) with him having developed significant back problems from fucking you silly on a regular basis. Better yet, jump your husband and get him to fuck you silly if that is possible.

Sixth.....lose weight. Sorry folks, but being obese is a health hazard and you owe it to yourself to keep yourself, the family that loves you and your friends to stay alive. Join weight watchers and attend their meetings religiously. Learn how to eat healthy; they will teach you.

Seventh....dump the lover. He's an anchor around your neck. Swing alone with couples and single men. You will find your needs are better served by doing that and you will develop confidence and enjoy yourself. But, please do get a divorce and move on.

I have had overweight women friends and every one of them had self-image issues, usually due to bad relationships with the wrong man. This lover of yours is one of those. He's having sex at home with his wife (maybe not, but probably so), with you and possibly another woman, too. I do not think you can know for sure that he isn't.

You need to shed men like this like a snake shedding its skin and start looking out for yourself. Sure, you can meet and have sex with guys like this, but don't consider it a relationship. ("I used her she used me and neither one cared; we were getting our share." --Bob Seger, "Night Moves"--)

You are NOT an awful person for "breaking the swingers' rules". Those "rules" are set individually by each couple or single person. Be sure you feel good about what you do and that you come out the winner. I don't think your situation right now is a winning situation for you. Drama is what you let it become. Don't involve youself in it or let it bother you. Just move on from it.

My very best wishes to you,

San Luis Obispo CA
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No joy from this section of the peanut gallery. We believe the lifestyle should be based on honesty and this arrangement does not seem to fall into that category to us. Sure seems like cheating and a recipe for disaster to us. If it quacks like a duck.....

Spring Branch TX
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Rdy: p says she's never going to put herself into a position of "giving permission", but...

...she says she wants to be part of the fun!

New Market MD
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mcandher, I'm sure your method for dealing with people in real (face-to-face) life is effective. We have used it ourselves, especially when one of our kids was causing us a lot of grief.

Possibly that would have worked with this OP, although right from the start she seemed to have made up her mind that there was nothing wrong or destructive in her decision to have an affair, even saying it was beneficial to her marriage, and erroneously equated that behavior with swinging. That's likely where defensiveness in SLS responders kicked in. And, as they say, often the best defense is a strong offense, ergo the nasty comments.

Reasoning with people who are so far over the edge is difficult even when you are sharing space with them. Doing it anonymously in written form, on an open forum, is bound to fail. Perhaps if you work with her via private email you'll have more success getting through to her. If so, you're a better human than I.

Sheboygan Falls WI
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1. Permission is everything.

2. Faithfulness does not mean sexual exclusivity... it means holding one's trust.

3. We only play with people we are attracted to, and we are never attracted to people we can't respect.

New Market MD
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Well said, Rdy.

Sheboygan Falls WI
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She said she wouldn't be commenting any more on this, but I hope she reads what we've all written!

Sheboygan Falls WI
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TOPIC: Married but not to each other