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To bare or NOT to bare --- That is the Question!!! And Women think they have it Bad!!!
CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud...
All hair removal methods have tricked women and men with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair And now...the wax.
My girlfriend and I had previously been discussing about men and pubic hair and how some men have so much hair it's a real turn off when performing oral sex in this swing lifestyle.
So my night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, watch some TV before retiring to bed for the evening. Earlier in the week we had been shopping at Wal-Mart and had purchased some hair removal wax.
While I was watching TV, I had an epiphany that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours possibly the rest of my life. "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet and try it out." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its actually two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so being a man; I get out a power tool (the hair dryer) and heat it to 1000 degrees.
("Cold wax, on your skin" Yeah... right!)
I lay the strip across my right groin area just above my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. Riiipppp!
It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I will be baby's butt smooth, I am HE-MAN, fighter of all way ward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
The ladies will just love it!!!
With my next wax strip I move a bit south and west closer to my cock and down towards my ball sack. After getting a beer, because this might take awhile, I go back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my shorts and place one foot on the toilet to allow extra room for my endeavor.
Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my cock and down along my ball sack; trying to maintain a bikini line (don't want to look like a freak), pulling my ball sack and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply, count to three and brace myself.... RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
My eyes roll back in my head...I'm blind!!!
Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, as I glance down I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath, 1, 2, 3 and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly, the room is spinning and spotted. I feel I may pass out... think to myself must stay conscious.. Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe... OK, deep breath, hold it, ok, back to normal.
I look at my hand, I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair??? For that matter... WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch it. OH Heck!! I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DANG!!!!!!!! Balls?? Stuck to my leg! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"
What can I do to melt the wax? I know... Hot water!! Hot water melts wax right!!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
WRONG!!!!!!! I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit down on the bottom of the tub.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub... in SCALDING hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the woman who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my girlfriend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.
It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and balls are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking butt cheeks or balls?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your manly goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My girlfriend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace.... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on around my private areas and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the neighbors and scared the dickens out of my girlfriend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. IT WORKS!! It works!! I get a hearty congratulation from my girlfriend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.
Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try dying my hair a different color...... Now that should be good for a laugh!!