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The Secret Logs Of Mistress Janeway




I was almost afraid to go to the Holodeck. Despite constant
assurances from Torres that Barrows' program was unaffected by Seska's
sabotage, I couldn't shake the fear that she had been altered in some
way. After a week without her due to various distractions, I missed
her too much to stay away any longer.

Of course, when I called up the program, I found it was already
running.

I muttered. I stormed inside to find Chakotay slamming Tom Paris
against the walls in Chakotay's quarters, by the shoulders.

"What the hell is going on here?" I demanded.

"Freeze program," Barrows snapped. "Really, pet, you should announce
yourself."

"Forgive me, Mistress. I just found this a little startling," I
replied. "Is this from the Tuvok training program?"

"No," Barrows replied. "While I was in exile during the holo novel
craze, I went wandering through various systems."

"You've been reading personal logs again."

"Well... yes. And I found a lot of fodder for some writing of my
own."

"Why are you doing this?"

"You won't let me play with the real ones," she muttered

"What do you mean by fodder?" I sighed

"A lot of seething hostility and old resentments from which passion
can spring," Barrows replied.

"This is about passion?" I asked indicating the clench across the
room.

"All that hostility between two men can't be about anything but sex,"
Barrows replied.

"What?"

"Don't panic, Dear One. They are yours body and soul. But what if
you'd never reached out to them," Barrows said. "What if you'd
remained as aloof as a Captain as you were in the beginning of this
journey."

"Aloof?"

"Professionally distant," she said. "You know how open you are to
your crew Mistress aside. The situation has made you more accessible
and tolerant of crew foibles than you would ever be in the Alpha
Quadrant. What if you waited longer to open yourself to them?

I looked at Chakotay and Paris again.

"What is this about?"

"This little scenario is about Jonas. There was a lot of hostility
even with all your efforts. I just removed you from the equation and
let testosterone take its course," Barrows said.

I conjured my own chair. "Reconfigure so that they won't see me.
Then continue."

The scenario began again. I was stunned by the unleashed fury in the
Commander as he slammed Paris into the wall. I could see Tom trying
to free himself, but Chakotay was too strong.

"What'll you do Commander... Kill me... How will you ... explain... to
the Captain?"

Chakotay's assault slowed to a halt, but he still had Paris in a
painful grip pressing his entire weight on the slender lieutenant. It
wouldn't take much to shatter Tom. But Paris wouldn't give up. He
tried to push at Chakotay's chest.

"I thought you were above getting angry at a nobody like me... a
liar... a traitor. I thought nothing I could do or say could touch
you. Remember?" He gasped out the words through clenched teeth.
"Where's your famous self - control now?"

Tom's words pained me. I was moved by his desperation and anger. The
words reached Chakotay as well. He fought to regain control. He
relaxed his grip on Paris. I began to breathe again.

Both men were panting still pressed heavily against each other the
tension still crackled between them. Suddenly, Tom's expression
changed. I knew by the look that he was aroused, and surprised.
Chakotay must be hard.

"So is that what you really want Commander?" He hissed the question
out angrily, tauntingly, his voice still hoarse from gasping for
breath.

Chakotay looked at him warmly, but said nothing.

"To fuck me. That's what you want." Paris spit the accusation in
Chakotay's face. I waited for the reply on the edge of my seat. I'd
never seen such passion in him not aimed at me.

Tom tilted his head toward Chakotay's, coming millimeters from his
face straining hard into the Commander's eyes.

"That's why you brought me in here, into your quarters, isn't it,
Commander? You don't get much, do you? Tom said. He ducked his head
to one side to bite the Chakotay through his uniform just above the
collar bone.

Chakotay closed his eyes then released Tom. I could tell he was
fighting his lusts. As the weight was lifted from him, Paris gripped
Chakotay by the shoulder then roughly turned his body to push him
against the wall. The Commander didn't resist as Paris began to nip at
his chest through his uniform. He leaned his head back then closed
his eyes as the lieutenant worked his way down. Soon Tom was kneeling
before him. Glancing up at the Commander's dazed face, he leaned
forward, turned his head and wrapped his mouth and unwrapped his mouth
around the Commanders penis through the material. As he rubbed his
mouth and chin roughly over the cloth restraining Chakotay's erection,
he reached up and pulled at the drawstrings holding the pants at the
Commanders waist.

A moment later, the pants were at Chakotay's ankles and Paris was
running his tongue over that hot, hard, penis. He gripped the
Commander's balls in one hand as he licked from the base to tip
tasting the shaft then scraping his teeth against the head. With the
other hand, he squeezed at the base of the thick cock, while his
tongue teased the slit at the crown. With a groan, Chakotay brought
his hands up to hold Paris' head as he thrust his erection deep into
the wet, open mouth.

"Great googely moogely," Barrows said.

"Mistress!"

Chakotay had Pairs by the hair and was giving him a real pounding with
no sign of coming anytime soon.

"That man can be exhausting," I said. "He isn't even trying. He's
just getting off on having him that way."

"Impertinent. What do you do about it?"

Just then, I noticed Tom reach around Chakotay's hips. The next thing
I knew, Chakotay had pulled out of Tom's mouth, took him by the
shoulders and threw him across the room.

"I usually put a finger up his ass," I said.

"That works."

Paris began to back away from the Commander who looked like a wildman.
I would have run from that look. Tom didn't get far. Chakotay
straddled him then began to tear apart his uniform. Paris ripped at
Chakotay's shirt then pushed it from his muscled shoulders.
Struggling out of the shirt, Chakotay muttered, "Is this what you
wanted, lieutenant?"

I could see the appreciation for the Commander body in Tom's eyes just
before he was flipped onto his stomach. Paris raised himself onto his
knees as Chakotay positioned himself.

"He's going to tear that boy apart," Barrows said.

"He won't hurt Tom."

Chakotay lubricated Tom with his pre-cum and prepared him with his
fingers. Paris relaxed just before the Commander took him by the hips
then slowly but firmly drove into the slender man fully.

My dear Paris was gasping for breath scarlet faced. His eyes were
dazed. Chakotay stared at him through hooded eyes glazed with lust
waiting with his patented patience. After a long moment, Tom braced
himself then threw his hips back. Chakotay had his signal at last.
He began to pound Tom mercilessly nearly pulling out of then slamming
into him completely. Tom's arms buckled under the assault. He
rested his head on his folder arms.

Chakotay was loving this. His excitement was rising. His movements
quickened. Paris moaned.

"Please," he pleaded.

Chakotay reached around Tom's hips and grabbed his cock. Paris cried
out as the Commander began jerking him expertly in time with his deep
thrusts.

It didn't take long after that. Paris began bucking against Chakotay
as he came loudly. As Chakotay collapsed, he was still pounding
away. He came with a roar shortly afterward.

"End program," Barrows said.

"Foreplay and fisticuffs," I sighed. "Men."

"But it was lovely," Barrows said.

"Indeed. I've tried to provoke Chakotay into taking me that roughly.
Every time I yelp in the least little way, he stops."

"The Commander is chivalrous to a fault," Barrows said.

I shrugged. "Now that they've done it and quite well, can they do it
without tearing apart a room and each other?"

"Let's move it forward beyond regret and recriminations and see,"
Barrows said then set the program parameters for two weeks beyond that
encounter.

The setting was Tom's apartment. He was in civilian clothes, a loose
shirt partially baring his hairy chest and loose fitting trousers. He
was preparing dinner. There was low music the lights were low, but
not romantically so. The bell chimed just as Paris finished putting
the food out.

Chakotay entered at Tom's summons. He carried a bottle of wine.

"I just thought a fine vintage... replicated an hour ago," he said
with a slight smile.

"Such luxury will warp my senses," Tom smiled.

"I'll pour," Chakotay said.

They attempted to relax, but there was a heavy tension in the air.
The anticipation was driving me crazy.

Chakotay downed his wine then placed the glass on the coffee table.
"This isn't working. Tom, I'd better go."

"Why?" Tom was annoyed and hurt.

"It doesn't feel right."

Chakotay stood as did Paris. "Can you only be with me when you're
angry enough to hit me to take what you want?"

The Commander looked pained. He reached out to touch his shoulder but
Tom pulled away. That didn't deter him. Chakotay took Tom's wrist
then pulled him into an embrace.

"I'm sorry. It seems I'm good at hurting you," he murmured into Tom's
shoulder. "It takes me a wile to come around sometimes."

"I know we have seventy years, but geesh," Tom chuckled. "When?"

"Now," Chakotay whispered. He shoved Tom gently onto the sofa. He
straddled the half reclining lieutenant then began to kiss him. Their
tongues strained against each other while removing each others
clothes.

"Don't move, Tom."

Chakotay licked Tom's nipples then nipped at them. Chakotay worked
his way back to Tom's face. He kissed his eyelids. Traced his lips
with his thumb. Tom sucked on it making Chakotay smile. The man then
caressed Tom's entire body with firms even strokes learning his skin.
Tom couldn't take his eyes off Chakotay. He was unusually silent save
for the occasional gasp of pleasure.

Finally, Chakotay kissed him again. This time the journey over Tom's
body waswith his mouth. He traced the thin line of hair from his
navel lower toward the erection that was thrusting upward to meet his
lips.

Chakotay continued licking lower tonguing along the shaft of Tom's
cock. Chakotay took him as far back as he could and sucked hard as
one hand cradled his balls. Tom moaned as he stroked the Commander's
hair. When he looked down, Paris met Chakotay's eyes. They were
locked on Each others stare. I knew how he felt to feel Chakotay's
gaze. My body responded. So did Tom's. He came with a loud moan. He
never took his eyes off of Chakotay. Chakotay took it all in his
mouth. He washed it down with wine while Tom was trying to settle his
breathing.

"You're some kinda dinner guest," Tom said.

"Your some kinda host. Where's my food?" Chakotay laughed.

"This is going to get sickening," Barrows said ending the program.
"Your Commander is amazingly sweet."

"Hmm," I replied.

"What's wrong, pet?"

"Is he mine or did he come to me merely because he discovered the
Mistress?" I wondered aloud. "You see what happens when random
factors are changed."

"I know better than that. So do you. He would always choose you if
the option was open," Barrows said.

"Not always. Not when Seska was on board," I said.

"Were you an option to him then?"

"No."

"There then," Barrows said. "But why don't you find out for
yourself?"

"What?"

"You have Tuvok's scenario. I can enhance the characters to more
closely match the personalities in their personal logs," Barrows said.

"But why use the mutiny?"

"There has to a clear choice made by him. What better way than to
choose to abort the mutiny," she said. "It is a clear choice of you
over her."

"I'd need more time to sow the seeds," I said. "About a month."

"When do we being?"

"Tomorrow."


For a long time I thought about the earliest days of the journey home.
All I had to rely on was my training. That's what it was there for.
All I had was the regs. If I concentrated on them, I wouldn't fall
apart. It was the right decision, but for a long time the regs were a
buffer between me and my crew.

It was clear in Tuvok's scenario I was reacting tactically, it hadn't
occurred to that Janeway to make a direct appeal to the man I chose as
First Officer. Tuvok saw me that way for a reason. If I had known
about Chakotay what I knew at present, I would have been much more
open. But I did know a lot about him at present. I knew enough about
him to know if I had any affect on him at all. But what if I didn't.
I had to be sure.

My experiment began in a staff meeting about three months into the
journey. As I recalled it, they were tense affairs. Chakotay awaited
being contradicted. Tuvok looked at the Commander for signs of
homicidal intent. I went in as I did at present with a wry smile and
the pony tail.

I greeted everyone and got down to work. There were some surprised
glances, but none more appreciative than Commander Chakotay's. I
didn't change the substance of the meeting, but since I understood the
crew's real motivations better than I had, my demeanor changed. I was
totally at ease which made the exchanges non-confrontational.
Chakotay kept looking at me instead of his notes. Even Tuvok relaxed
ever so slightly.

When the meeting ended, Chakotay remained. I felt his eyes on me as I
reviewed the padd.

This is fine, Chakotay. Good work," I said with a smile.

"The sensor analysis won't be finished until 20:00 hours," he said.

"It's okay. I still have to adjust course as soon as we have it," I
said. "I'll get it when it's ready."

"I'll be on watch anyway."

"Bring it to my quarters when it's completed," I said. "I'll make
some camomile tea."

"That may help me sleep."

"I just want it to get rid of this nightmare I keep having," I said.

"Nightmare?"

"I wake up normally, but when I look in the mirror, I have Kazon
hair," I said.

Chakotay chuckled. He was guarded but there was a glint of amusement
in his eyes. I handed him the padd and patted his forearm. The doors
flew open and Seska breezed in.

"Chakotay, I... oh, excuse me," she said in a barely civil tone.

My smile and ease never waned. "We were just finishing. I'll see you
on the bridge, Commander."

"Yes, Captain."

"Seska."

Upon exiting the conference room, I accelerated the time to 20:00
hours. I was in my quarters wearing a very demure but very flattering
gown and robe. The tea was steeping when the door bell chimed. I was
brushing my hair when he came in. Chakotay was slightly more guarded
than he was in the morning meeting. I wondered what Seska had said to
him, but I wasn't discouraged. The look in his eyes as I finished
with my hair almost took my breath. It was a quality of wonder that
always amazed me.

"I've got that report," he said softly.

"Come sit," I said pouring the tea. He sipped in silence for a while.
I reviewed the padd.

"Barring any long range scans from these systems, we should pass
through this entire sector quickly and quietly," Chakotay said.

"That wold be a nice change of pace," I said drily. He smiled at me.
I smiled back.

"You seem different not different but..."

"I understand. I've just decided that we have a long trip ahead,
might as well relax and ..."

"Let your hair down?"

I felt a wicked smile form. "Don't you like it?"

Chakotay looked startled.

"Seska to Chakotay."

I nodded then got up and moved to give him some privacy. I could still
hear the amazement and annoyance in her voice.

"You're still there? What could you be talking about?"

"We can discuss that later. I'll be there as soon as I can," he
replied. "Chakotay out. Forgive me Captain."

"Nothing to forgive," I said placidly. "Those of us lucky enough to
have a personal life, should get to enjoy it. I'll see you in the
morning."

"Goodnight, Captain."

"Goodnight, Chakotay."

He looked like he didn't want to leave, but he did.

I summoned Seska's quarters and took a position to watch. Seska was
pacing when Chakotay came in. She embraced him immediately.

"I'm sorry," she said brushing her lips against his. "I got annoyed
that Janeway would keep you working so late."

Chakotay gently disengaged from her. " I volunteered to get that
report to her. She offered me tea."

"What's this about? A new tactic to throw you off guard?" Seska
asked. "I can't deny it's effect. She let's her hair down and you
come running."

"That's ridiculous," Chakotay said wearily. He sat back on the sofa
closing his eyes. "No matter what our plans are, we still have to
calculate where the ship is going.

She sat closed beside him tracing the lines of the tatoo with her
index finger. "So you haven't forgotten our plans. There will never
be a better opportunity"

"No," he sighed. "I sense the ability for a real alliance with
Janeway, but there is still Tuvok. I don't yet sense that she will
trust me as much as she trusts him."

"A real alliance," she scoffed licking his ear. "Wishful thinking.
Her hair may be unpinned but her mind isn't."

Seska swooped onto his mouth as she straddled him. Chakotay grunted
impatiently pulling her dress down from her shoulders. He maneuvered
her onto her back to suck her nipples. Seska moaned while pushing her
gown over her hips.

I felt Barrows presence at my side.

"I'm surprised you want to watch," she said.

"I enjoy watching him work," I shrugged.

Chakotay was licking Seska's abdomen. He pulled the nightgown from
her legs parting them for his hungry mouth. He worked at her until
she was squirming against him. He was out of his trousers in an
instant. In the next he had her legs dr*ped over his shoulders
thrusting vigorously. She encouraged him with her moans and thrusts.
Reluctantly, I reacted to the eroticism of the coupling. It was a
hell of a fuck.

"I hate that bitch,' I said quietly. "She won't win this."

"That's my pet!" Barrows exclaimed. "And afterward you can vent your
fury on skin that won't bleed."

"Well said," I replied. "End program."

I avoided seeing Chakotay that night. I wasn't angry with him;
however, I didn't want to divide my focus. I thought about how I
would handle my next encounters with the halo- Chakotay. I had to be
just me or it wouldn't be valid.

The next time I went back to the program, I had several encounters
with Chakotay that were routine daily events. This time though I did
things like allow my gaze to linger a tiny bit longer than was
appropriate. I allowed him to catch me looking at his lips. Despite
his guardedness, I knew he was shaken. My impression was confirmed by
Seska's increasingly intrusive behavior when I was alone with Chakotay
for longer than five minutes.

I no longer eavesdropped on Chakotay and Seska, nor would I let
Barrows tell me what she knew. I wanted to rely on my instincts with
this man.

The night before the mutiny, I was in my Ready Room 'dozing' on the
sofa with a report on my away mission in hand. I heard Chakotay come
and felt him standing over me staring at me in the soft light. He
bent and took the padd from my hand. I stirred looking up at him.

"I suppose I should get to my quarters or I won't be able to turn my
head," I said rolling my head slowly back and forth.

Chakotay was mesmerized. "I can help with that."

"Would you?" I said. "I don't want to go to the Doctor. Everything
comes with a lecture."

He smiled briefly then got to work on my allegedly stiff neck after
gently moving my pony tail aside. It was delicious as always and I
responded as always relaxing for him and sighing frequently.

I stood to face him when he finished.

"Thank you," I said "I'd better get to bed. Paris and I have a busy
day."

"Captain, can I talk to you about something delicate?" Chakotay
asked.

I touched his shoulder. "Chakotay there is nothing you can't talk to
me about ever." I knew his expression. He wanted to kiss me. Would
he not tell me about his plans to do that? My hand stayed where it
was. Chakotay stepped flush with me then gently set his lips against
mine. When I sighed into him he sought my tongue. He held me with
one arm at my waist. The kiss heated, but I was aware that he would
release me if I may any protest. I wasn't about to do that. The
intensity and wonder in his touch was too moving to stop. He pulled
back first.

"Don't apologize, Chakotay," I whispered.

"I'd better go," he said.

I let him leave. Gods, I was wet. Would he stop the mutiny? Could
he stop it?

I accelerated the program to the point where Paris and I got on board.
I sent Tom to try to shut down as many systems as possible. Chakotay
would be there soon. I waited, unarmed working on a panel. When
Chakotay entered the room I raised my hands and put them at the back
of my head.

"My weapon is on the console," I said. "This looks intractable,
Chakotay, but it isn't. We can put this crew back together."

"You're buying time, Kathryn," he said.

"Scan systems, I've done nothing but get back on board."

He did check, then lowered his weapon.

"We have more common ground than differences Chakotay," I said. "You
know that... Talk to me.

There was a pause. He sent the security ensign away. Before I could
say a word, Seska was in the room. She fired at me hitting me on my
left shoulder. I went down reacting to the 'wound'. Chakotay
snatched the weapon from her.

"She was unarmed, Seska!" He shouted.

"Until she got close enough to kick you in the crotch," she sneered.
"Not that you don't deserve it."

"Secure this deck! I'm taking the Captain to sick bay," he said. I
was lifted into his arms. I was in a 'faint' listening to him mutter
at me and himself.

"Dammed stubborn woman. Why did you wait so long to talk to me like a
friend? Why did I kiss you instead of clearing the air?"

We were in the turbo lift.

"I still want to kiss you, Kathryn," Chakotay whispered. "I've wanted
to since we met."

The Doctor revived me. Chakotay turned him off immediately

"I have to get you out of here," he said. Again, I was scooped up
into his arms. We barreled through empty corridors to his quarters
where he secured the door with a personal code. I was gently placed
on his bed.

"What do we do now, Kathryn?"

"We will stay locked in here and talk until we've passed out. Until
we find a way of working that respects both sides," I said. "Ever
considered the alternative for you?"

"Alternative?"

"A life where you remain forever in conflict with everyone and
everything... Where you fit in nowhere...," I said. "Where you will
always be angry."

He was startled by my words his words really.

"You can be part of a community here working toward home instead of
continuing on the run in a constant battle," I said.

"How do you know my mind?" He murmured.

"It took me a while to look past the regs and really see the man next
to me, but I do now," I said. "Can't you see me, Chakotay?"

"I do now," he replied.

He was kissing me pressing me back onto the bed with urgency and
heat. I held him this time provoking his tongue. We pulled apart
with surprise. I saw him come to some sort of decision in that
instant. With a groan, he was on top of me kissing me, caressing me.

"This is crazy," he said.

"I know," I gasped. "And complicated."

"I know."

Seska burst in then. Clever bitch must have known all of his codes.

"You're a bigger fool than she is," Seska said. "Or are you into
abusing prisoners?"

Chakotay moved away from me. We both were straightening clothes. She
made a move to hit me, but Chakotay got between us.

"I didn't think so."

"We have to stop this now, Seska," Chakotay said.

"Oh, I agree, she replied. "I can't have any weak minded idiots in my
way."

She pulled a phaser set to kill us. Chakotay got between us. I had
my answer.

"I've seen enough. Freeze program," I said. "Reconfigure to Club
1. Transfer the Seska character and delete the phaser."

Barrows appeared as I removed my uniform. The Outfit was underneath.
She handed me the bullwhip.

"Resume program."

Seska looked quite startled.

"Welcome to my world, Seska," I said. "I'm sure you won't enjoy it."


End of Story