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His name is Penis Loomis and he hates having it as much as most people hate hearing it--his name that is--but that didn?t stop his rotten, nasty parents from saddling him with a moniker that led to the inevitable teasings, traumatizings and, on occasion, beatings, all because his christian name was an affront to Christianity being, after all, the name of a body part of the sexual persuasion. For a while he tried to shorten his name to a less offensive ?Peenie? but with his parents insisting on using his full name, which was also listed as such on all public records, there was not much chance of escaping his fate. It was the kind of name, which once they were aware of it, a lot of people did not want to let go of it.

What reason his parents may have had to tag the baby Penis with this beastly label is lost in the dim reaches of some perverse family history, no doubt; in any case Penis?s pathologically anti-social parents weren?t talking. By the age of eighteen, Penis had gone limp under the unrelenting burden imposed by his infamous handle and decided to have his name legally changed. Little did Penis know that his visit to the offices of Hiram and Screwum, Attorneys at Law, would change the course of his life.

?Penis, m?boy you?ve got it all wrong,? said Jedidiah Screwum.

?That name of yours is neither a cross to bear nor a stone to roll uphill.

In fact, that name can make you go down in history, allow you to lead a life of unimaginable pleasure, and perhaps even be your road to riches.?

?Whaddya mean?? asked Penis.

?What I mean is that you must see the glass as half full, not half empty. Under certain conditions in our society, the associations inherent in your name could be an advantage. It?s all a matter of presentation.

?How?s that??

?My dear boy,? surely you realize that the penis is symbolic of malehood itself. The phallus has represented vigor and vitality in art and literature throughout the ages.?

?Yeah, but how does that help my problem?? asked Penis.

?Use the imagery of your name in a positive way to gain friends and influence people.?

?How do I do that??

?Well, for example, what?s the first thing a woman says when she meets you.?

?That?s easy. She says: is your name really Penis??

?And I suggest that you respond as follows: yes, it is, and I didn?t get that name for nothing.? Screwum, pausing to push his glasses down the length of his long nose, eyed Penis over the glasses? rims. ?This response should be delivered in a well modulated voice with low, basal tones and accompanied by a knowing wink of the eye,? said Screwum concluding his advice.

?But how will this help me?? asked Penis.

?Aha!? Screwum exclaimed. That is the question and the answer is:

power. Everyone needs a power base from which to operate. In our society, sex equals control and control equals power. By asserting your right to be a Penis you are empowering yourself, extending your authority. This, my boy, has been the historical thrust behind all great societies, by all great men, notwithstanding today?s revisionist trend to emasculate the male creative force. Thy savior shall be woman,? said Screwum concluding with a flourish.

Penis sat mesmerized, eyes opened wide, mouth slack and tongue lolling as visions of a new existence danced in his head. ?Yes, yes! I see it now. How could I have been so blind? Oh, Mr. Screwum, I can?t thank you enough! You just talked yourself out of a fee. The name stays.?

?Excellent, Penis. Good decision,? said Screwum.

?Y?know how everyone says what sleazebags and crooks lawyers are, well, you?re the exception to the rule Mr. Screwum.

?Yes, well, of course, we?re not all that bad. I just like helping people. Now, if you would just sign this release form before you leave,?

said Screwum, sliding a piece of paper under Penis?s nose.

?What?s this for??

?Oh, a routine form that says I have rendered you sound legal advice. Just for the record, you see.?

After Penis signed the form and exited the office, Screwum pushed the intercom button on his telephone. ?Ms. Quimby, I?ve just obtained another release form. Please bring in the manuscript file. I have another chapter to dictate.?

?I?ll be right in Mr. Screwum.? Sounded the nasal response.

After Ms. Quimby?s shapely form was seated in the chair in front of his desk, Screwum opened the green pentaflex folder and then the manila folder inside. He glanced at the title page of the manuscript. It read:


?OK Ms. Quimby, let?s begin dictation: Of all the weird stories that walked into my office, this one takes the cake. It?s about a guy named Penis and I thought his case should be brought to a head--

?I?m sorry to interrupt, Mr. Screwum, but is his name really Penis?? asked the wide eyed Ms. Quimby.

?Yes, and he didn?t get that name for nothing,? said Screwum leaning forward onto the desk, resting his weight on his left forearm, winking with one eye while raising the opposite eyebrow, and cupping a hand around the side of his open mouth as if telling a silent secret.

Ms. Quimby?s mouth formed a puckered little ?O? and her eyes rolled slightly upward in concentration. Slowly, a little smile formed at the corners of her mouth and she squirmed from side to side in the chair while giving a few quick two handed tugs at the hem of her short skirt. Crossing her legs and squeezing them together rather tightly, Ms. Quimby said, ?Oooh, I see. Do you think he?ll be coming back...for more advice I mean??

Seeing his secretary?s reaction to the conversation, Screwum smiled in the awareness that this chapter would probably nail down best seller status for his book.

?Indeed, I?m sure he will be back several times and each time I will listen to his progress until I have enough material to publish my book. After that, I will be out of the office if he calls.?

?Very well, Mr. Screwum, whatever you say.?

So it was that Penis seized on his newfound power and became the word?s most prolific lover, surpassing the conquests of Don Juan, Casanova, and all the other Lotharios who were now consigned subordinate niches in the annals of romantic legend. Yes, Penis took women by the hundreds to his bed-- but only once each; for it was the power in his name rather than the reality of his smaller namesake that stirred in these women passionate hopes of finding the one male in the world with the supreme endowment, the ultimate appendage which might ride them to new heights of ecstasy. Alas, however, size was not the reason for which Penis was named in the dim reaches of some perverse family history. That reason still remains a mystery.

Initially, the brevity of his conquests and a few mumbled expressions of disappointment had a somewhat wilting effect on Penis, however--under the continual coaching of Jedidiah Screwum--Penis concluded that quantity was an adequate trade off for quality. He therefore continued to parlay the charisma of his name, though deep within him sparked a faint hope that some day one woman would love him for himself and not for the images his name conjured in her mind.

There is a place, in another galaxy, one hundred light years away from the office of Jeididiah Screwum, and in that galaxy and there is a sun star named on earth, Alastor. Orbiting that star is the second planet called Marune and on Marune exists a remarkable species of beings whose name, rendered in approximation of their own tongue, is the Tsulu Na?garrth, which translated means ?those outside the universe?, for indeed, the Tsulu Na?garrth viewed themselves as the experimenters of the cosmos and the entire universe was considered their laboratory. Passing a few light years from earth, the instruments on the Tsulu galactic science explorer craft D?ernath picked up the presence of carbon based life forms on a planet orbiting third from it?s sun. Using such monitors and sensors to gather information as were available on one of the more modestly equipped explorers, the Tsulu were struck at the teeming fecundity of the most advanced of the planet?s primitive lifeforms. The Tsulu were not prolific breeders, a circumstance causing growing concern amongst a race that, in all other aspects, viewed themselves as immortal.

DerN?aani, second science officer of the D?ernath caused its eye tentacles to rotate around the room and gaze at the assemblage of officers.

?Please begin your report Second Science officer,? sounded the resonance of TreK?aash, First Scientist.

DerN?anni breathed air into the hollow chambers that occupied the approximate center of the oblong bulb that would be its head. Now exhaling through a fishy looking orifice, it used its cavity muscles to shape its words. ?The most noteworthy fact of our investigation so far is that the bi-pedal, motor erect species that calls itself human is differentiated into distinct, physically complementary units called ?male? and ?female?.

Procreation is achieved by a temporary joining of these respective units.?

At this, a series of rheumy, exhaling rumbles was heard. After all, this was difficult news for a hermaphroditic, sexless and self-fertilizing race such as the Tsulu to absorb.

?You mean to say that conception is an external process with these beings?? sounded a resonance behind DerN?aani. Without moving its body DerN?aani rotated its eye tentacles up and around its head to see ErD?agaash, a junior officer.

?Yes and no,? it sounded. There are preliminary mechanical functions which are performed externally between the male and female but conception and gestation appear to be completed internally in the female alone.?

?What are these external mechanics?? sounded TreK?aash.

?There are specialized organs in the male and female for procreation. The female organ is called a ?vagina? and the male organ a ?penis?. We believe the penis is an external organ and the vagina appears to be an internal cavity. Through an interchange of motion producing friction and heat, the penis is induced to produce a fluid that somehow leads to new being within nine earth months.?

As the images of this process flickered through the minds of the Tsulu, many rumbled and gagging resonances sounded, many eye tentacles rolled circuitously and many spino-cranial plates flapped open and shut like folding hand held fans. It was fascinating--albeit disgusting--news to digest.

?First we must isolate one sex from the other to make independent observations of the mechanics of the procreative process. Which do you recommend first, Second Officer?? sounded TreK?aash.

?The male. They are less intelligent than the female and more prone to manipulation,? sounded DerN?aani.

?So be it,? sounded TreK?aash. ?Find the male with the most prominent penis to facilitate the experiments."

?We have done so First Scientist. We scanned earth computer records. Unfortunately, few records of penis size are kept, except in one exceptional case. We have located a penis listed at five feet ten inches in earth measurement. Quite extraordinary in that the penis is equal to the entire body mass. We therefore deduce that the entire male body mass is a mobile sex organ. That this specimen is the only listed penis must indicate it is exceptionally large. The name attached to the penis is Loomis, according to the records. We have made preparations to obtain the specimen for examination and testing.?

?Then do so quickly,? resonated the First Scientist.

Penis awoke in a haze. The last thing he remembered was investigating a noise in his back yard late at night, then a flash of bluish light. Now as his vision was clearing, a jolt passed through him. This had to be a joke.

Someone must have put me in a movie studio with these costumed guys and spaceship looking room, he thought. C?mon, grayish-green people with bulb shaped heads, eyeballs dangling out of antennae, puckered fish mouths and gliding around with no visible legs--no way!

?The penis is finally stirring from its torpor,? sounded one science officer. ?Perhaps our efforts at stimulation are working.?

At that moment, TreK?aash, First Sciencist, entered the chamber.

?First Scientist, it is good you are here,? resonated DerN?aani.

The penis is supposed to ejaculate a fluid after friction is applied, but so far no success.?

?Try again, Second Science Officer,? resonated TreK?aash.

Two flat rectangles, spongy in texture and about the size of bed pillows, were placed on either side of Penis?s head. At a signal from DerN?aani, the metal rods holding the rectangles began to slide the sponges up and down the side of Penis?s abused dome.

After thirty minutes of this, DerN?aani resonated to the First Scientist, ?You see. No fluid. The penis merely emits strange noises and sheds tufts of the peculiar filaments covering the penis head.?

?I believe I see the error of the experiment,? resonated TreK?aash.

?Did you not say the penis must be inserted into the vagina which is a cavity??

?That is so,? resonated DerN?aani.

?Then any form of friction generally applied may not suffice.

Perhaps an artificial vagina may more accurately simulate the specific form of friction needed.?

?Brilliant, First Scientist,? resonated DerN?aani. We shall proceed to construct the artifice based on our best knowledge.?

Some hours later, strapped flat on his back, Penis was floated into another chamber to a narrow, plastic like table. He was positioned in the center of the room and a thick metal rod, retractably telescoped like a collapsible car antenna, was attached to the base of the table near his feet. There he lay like a hamburger on an oversized spatula. Penis bent his neck backwards over the table to look at the opposite wall. There, staring him in the face, was a huge vertical groove resembling a giant clam oozing glistening liquid. Suddenly, Penis felt a jerk like a high speed elevator rocketing up to a penthouse as the spatula proceeded to plunge him in and out of the gooey slit with a piston like motion.

All the Tsulu heard were a series of high pitched staccato squawks each time Penis was sucked out of the vagina accompanied by a series of glrrrks and gluuups each time he was inserted. After an hour of this the Tsulu gave up.

?What were those noises it was making?? resonated TreK?aash.

?I don?t know, but I have one idea left,? resonated DerN?aani.

Perhaps the penis needs nourishment to perform correctly. We can try to approximate some form of earth?s biological fuel and feed it.?

?Do so,? resonated TreK?aash.

Some time later Penis--resting from his losing confrontation with the giant oyster--had his mouth pried open and a goopy white paste was shoved down his throat.

?Gaaak!!!? Penis yelped and he barfed up the alien oatmeal.

?Success! Success, First Scientist. It has ejaculated!? resonated DerN?aani.

TreK?aash indicated his pleasure by making a series of hollow popping sounds with his puckery little fish mouth. ?Scientists, gather round,? he resonated. ?We have succeeded and we have learned. We now know that the way to a penis is through its stomach.

?Aaaah,? resonated the collective assembly.

?Now dump this trash and let us be off.? So commanded TreK?aash, First Scienist of the Tsulu Na?garrth

Thus it was that Penis was plopped out the rear chute of the explorer onto a pile of cow chips in a farm yard. He went home, cleaned up, and marched down to the offices of Hiram and Screwum with flames in his eyes--and with a little residual goop, too. Ms. Quimby informed him that Jedidiah Screwum had taken a long sabbatical to Nepal but, she added, she would be more than happy to personally provide any services for him instead. Penis told her no, he didn?t do that any more. His center of gravity had now shifted from his penis to his heart. His life had yielded shallow, unfulfilling relationships leaving a trail of disappointment, culminating in a screwing of cosmic proportions. He had been living an imitation of life and at the center of the grand illusion was the penis--but no more! He marched out of Screwum?s office to do what he should have done years ago...change his name to Richard.

Now began the earnest transformation of his life and, unencumbered with the burdens of his past, he met a woman who loved him for his true self and thereafter he lived his life in bliss.

What?s in a name? The bards have asked throughout the ages.

Richard knows: after all, why go through life as a Penis when you can be a Dick?

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