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It had been a really slow day at the rescue squad where I used to work in West Virginia. A really slow and boring day. Not a call one had come in (which if you're thinking is good for the general public but "The Squad" would like to have something to do).
Anyway, about 11:15 pm, our first call came in and I answered the telephone. It was an older sounding lady. She answered all my questions properly and provided me with an address. My last question to her was "ma'am, what is your problem?" Her reply was "I can't tell you young man". I said "ma'am, I need to know what to tell the crew to expect when they get to you". She said "just come give me a ride".
I called in an EMT and told him "what we had" and then he started cussing. I said "wait a minute. Let me call a female EMT and I will pick her up and you can watch the station". He liked that. I called up a volunteer and told her what I had and since it wasn't an emergency, I would pick her up at her house in 10 minutes. No problem and I did.
When we got to the location of the call, I saw a little old lady standing on the porch with her coat on and her suitcase in hand. I walked up to her and said "ma'am, we are here, can you please tell us what is wrong?" She said "I won't talk to you but I will talk to her (referring to the female EMT)". My partner touched my shoulder and told me "to go sit in the ambulance". Whatever! And I did.
The ambulance was about 50 feet from them and as I fumed a little about what I wasn't involved in, I heard the female EMT laugh and cackle so hard that it must be good whatever it was. I saw her and the old lady walk towards my unit and they got into the back of the unit and my partner told me which hospital to head to. OK.
Enroute to the hospital, I asked her if she wanted to make a radio report to the E/R and she replied "not this time". To me the mystery was growing deeper. We got to the hospital and I backed the unit into the loading dock. The back-up alarm noise brought a nurse and tech out to see us. I was opening the doors to let my partner and the old lady out and the nurse asked me "what happened?" I said "I don't know. I'm just the driver on this one" and helped them out of the back of my ambulance.
My partner and the old lady and the E/R nurse and tech went inside the building as I straightened up my rig. Once we were back in service, I went in to the E/R. Opening the large doors, I was just in time to hear my partner's laugh and cackle again and then some other people laughing as well.
Anyway, the entire time I was in the E/R, I never found out what the call was about. On my way back to take my partner home, I asked her about it. She said that "the little old lady had developed an irritating itch in her vaginal area somewhat awful and she called the E/R and asked what she could do for it...whomever it was that she talked to told her to mix up some water and baking soda and apply that freely on and in her vaginal area...but that in turn made the itching and irritability worse...and she called back to the E/R and talked to a different person, told them what she had BUT did not tell them that she had called earlier and was told a specific treatment...and this other person told her to do a water and vinegar douche".
Now, any elementary student knows that when you put vinegar on baking soda, it foams and fizzles and if it is pit into a container and covered, then it can pop the container and send it flying.
This lady said "that whee she did the water and vinegar douche into her baking soda filled vagina, she started to foam and fizz and it scared her...and she closed her legs...which caused her more discomfort...and so she let her legs fly open and she watched her vagina just ooze this ungodly amount of stuff out of it".
The cackling and laughter I heard in the E/R was when the doctor on duty made the comment about the little old lady "having MAD PUSSY DISEASE and wonder if they should shoot her and put her out of her misery?"
This is an honest and funny story.
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