Free Erotic Stories
Humor We've Seen This Before
So tell me...have you seen THIS before?
When a woman cums, she screams, "Oohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I'm
When a woman sees a man's penis, she immediately places her mouth on
All men have dicks at least 9 inches long and 3 inches wide.
Women's panties become soaked with moisture at the slightest
suggestion of sex.
When a man sees a pretty girl, his 9 inch penis immediately becomes
rock-hard and she always notices it. When she sees it, she smiles.
If you haven't lost your virginity by the age of 13, your life is
Blond goddesses with gigantic breasts and gorgeous bodies are all
secretly in love with nerdy computer geeks, and their ambition is to
move into the apartment next door to a computer geek.
Men and women always cum at the same time during sex.
Premature ejaculation? Never!
Babysitters are the luckiest people on the face of the earth.
School teachers and college professors are the second luckiest people
on the face of the earth.
Women really have the best (or full) orgasms only from phallic
"...he thrust his nine-inch rod into her steaming love tunnel." (Can't
they write something a little more erotic and suggestive?)
When a husband finds that his wife has been cheating on him, he is
more turned on than angry.
When a woman finds that her husband wants to watch her fuck other men,
she thinks it a swell idea.
Or, in general - When one person wants some kind of non-standard
sexual behavior, everybody else agrees.
High school (and Jr. High) girls want sex, but don't know where to get
it. (Come on, guys. *You* lusted after all those girls in HS. Do you
think that they didn't know that? Do you think that the present
generation isn't doing the same? Do you think that you are more
impressive to a frosh girl than the senior football hero?)
A girl's first date leads to her first kiss before ending with her
Every woman, no matter what age, has perfectly trimmed or shaved pubic
People who want sex don't have any obstacles. Parents go out of town
for the weekend. When you want a matinee, your opposite number doesn't
have a business lunch scheduled. The professor who is offered a sex
slave for a passing grade doesn't fear entrapment. Your kid doesn't
call for a glass of water.
Kids leave the doors to their rooms open while they masturbate.
Parents leave their doors open while they have sex.
If a woman has intercourse during her fertile period, she will get
All Blacks are extremely well hung.
Any copulation between a white woman and a black male will result in
Men who know women's bra sizes from outside their dresses.
All women wear garters instead of panty hose.
All men dribble pre-cum all day which doubles when a woman holds his
All women love pain, causes them to orgasm.
"...but when I found out that my husband (or wife) had been seeing
someone else, I wasn't angry...rather, I was excited!"
All women in a position of authority have secret desires to be
All women with small breasts fantasise about having *REALLY HUGE*
"...Ohh, Billy, fuck me hard, fill my love hole, make me cum..."
Women cum about 20 times from straight missionairy fucking.
Everyone has a perfect body you could break a brick on.
A man who discovers that the attractive woman who has been giving him
a blowjob is really a guy will admit that he was a latent homosexual
All women in sex stories can give great head. Even the 13-year olds.
Anal sex requires very little preparation time. Even the first time.
A woman whose male lover has spurned her will invariably be a dyke by
the end of the story.
Who needs condoms?
Any woman described as having a scientific occupation will invariably
be occupied with making her breasts larger.
Every sexually transmitted disease and parasite has been eliminated.
(Apparently with the same technology that allows women scientists to
grow their breasts.)
When magically granted wishes, men will choose, in this order, the
following: An 18" dick, the ability to attract women, and one of the
following: obscene riches or the ability to grow breasts larger.
No one is ever nervous or frightened at the prospect of sex.
If a woman has small breasts, she will always have dark, pointy,
otherwise amazing nipples.
Practitioners of Magick have to do it nude.
A backrub ALWAYS leads to something else.
No one ever says "Can't we just cuddle?"
If a married man's wife has a sister, the sister will be a bombshell
sexpot (more beautiful than his wife) who is just aching for a chance
to leap in the sack with him.
Dozens of men worldwide have perfected mind-control devices which
allow them to create huge harems.
Menstrual periods don't exist...except as a way for the woman to
discover that she didn't get pregnant that time, after all. (Whew!
That means she and her lover can keep on doing it.)
The only way to relieve yourself is on another person.
No one ever says "I wish you'd shaved today."
If you have a hangup over a particular sex act, you'll get over it
once you try it (no matter how perverted it is).
People in sex stories can always find the thing they're looking for.
In bed. In the tangle of sheets. In the dark.
Any character introduced and described in more than a paragraph after
the first 200 lines of a story will be involved intimately with one or
more of the previously introduced characters.
Any description of a female must include specific bra and cup size,
hair color, and either "full" or "pouty" lips somewhere or another.
Precise waist measurements are optional, but common.
Body fat simply does not exist unless the writer has a fetish.
Any story told with a male first-person narrator will describe any
other penii in the story (if mentioned at all) as being "somewhat
smaller". Optionally: "...smaller but thicker".
The first sexual encounter between two people always proceeds in this
1) He sucks her tits.
2) He eats her pussy.
3) She sucks his dick.
4) Missionary fuck.
5) Doggy-style or anal.
Doing it any other way is against the rules.
Women "never want a man as bad as this one."
Small, geeky computer nerd types are the wildest, most incredibly
capable guys in the sack -- oh, wait. That's true. ;-)
End of Story
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