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ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

At the ripe old age of 34, you're not interested in sleeping with your wife. In fact, you have reached an almost zen-like disinterest in all things carnal. It's amazing how you are able to transcend worldly desire and focus your energies on more important things. I, on the other hand, am so horny that I can't see straight. We don't even have kids to explain the problem. What the hell is wrong with you? You're young, you're male, you have a hot young wife who wants you, and you can't even muster up a little quickie?

Nothing works. I kiss your neck and caress your balls while you're reading in bed, and you pretend not to notice. I playfully grab your ass as you walk by, you don't acknowledge it. I join you in the shower, and you talk groceries. I don a short skirt and surprise you with dinner when you get home - I get a peck on the cheek and a "Thanks for dinner, wanna watch TV?" I try whispering sexy things in your ear. I try going down on you, you say you're not in the mood. I massage your sore legs, neck, back, whatever, while you're watching TV and you do appreciate it, but still no action for me. You have as many excuses for not having sex as George Bush has for not leaving Iraq. Well newsflash to husband, the American people are beginning to catch on!

I masturbate after you leave for work, while you're in the shower, and while you're in the other room on the computer. My finger is developing a permanent cramp. I am so sex-starved that I fantasize about other men, from celebrities, to the coffee shop guy, to that shy coworker who always smiles at me, to my jackass boss who thinks he is God's gift to women. I am so horny that I can't get my work done during the day, I am so desperately trying to get the images of fucking you, the co-worker, the boss, the celebrity, and/or anybody else with a dick out of my head. I mean, this is ridiculous. I keep myself in nice shape, I get cat-called on the street and hit on at work and in bars, and I can't even get laid?! What kind of fucked-up universe is this?

I'll make this simple. You don't have to woo me and all that crap, just a minimum of foreplay to get me wet, and let's fuck. Hard. Let's try anal. Let's - gasp - do it on the couch instead of the bedroom, or God forbid maybe a little oral in the parking lot. It's not complicated. Or if you want theatrics, that's great too! I'd love for you to tie me up - rope, handcuffs, whatever. How about role-playing...Mulder & Scully? Principal & naughty schoolgirl? What about costumes? French maid? Librarian? Fairy godmother? You name it, I'll do it. Food items are always good. What about toys? Come ON. You must have some kind of fantasy, you must not be satisfied with this anti-sex life we have now. Are you???

Just tell me what it is going to take, because I cannot live 50+ years like this. I'm not sure it is even humanly possible to go without sex for that long. I'm certain it's not healthy.

I'm writing to Santa about this.