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They Do Sell Batteries
In my search for the right guy I’ve come across some interesting characters. The players, the jerks, the creeps, the total nut jobs... you know the kinds. You’ve seen them all and I’ve had my fair share of them all. I thought I’d like to try a nice guy out. Knowing nice guys are that way for a reason, I knew to expect some sort of “problem” that is normally easy to work out, if you take the time for it. Most people just don’t have the patience to work on other peoples problems. I thought I did.
I met this guy online, which most people are saying is my first problem. I disagree. After reading his profile he seemed like a great guy for me. We decided to meet up and I should have known from there that there was more problems than I was ready for. I’m only 5’3 and his profile said he was 5’9. If we’re eye to eye there is a problem with that math... I blew it off though thinking most short guys lie about that sort of thing all the time just to get a chance to even talk to a woman. His hair is completely down his back. I’ve always dated guys with long hair before but never longer than mine. So he’s got the rough ragged look to him. I can sort of see that as being sexy. Till I see his necklace.... that doubles as a lighter holder. He took so much pride in it to tell me he made this nasty looking hemp necklace himself. Ok. He’s a nice guy maybe that’s just what his problems are and that’s easy to overlook. Hopefully.
We talked for a few weeks and hung out a few times, had our cute little dates. Visited each other at work to help the day go by faster. You know the sicken stuff that couples do. We had great time together. We made each other laugh, he enjoy public displays of affection, which I’m really big into. We truly enjoyed each others company.
Then I finally spent the night with him. I couldn’t bring myself to actually stay the whole night. We laid there in bed, had a tickle fight and kissed. I could fell him getting hard just laying there with me. I start to undress him and he undressed me. I hand him a condom and get into a comfortable position. He’s over me and starts kissing me. I’m getting worked up now and really in the mood. Then quicker than it started it was over! He told me that it had been awhile but the next round would be better.
A few minutes later he was ready to go again. I was very happy. He was a quick rebounder. I enjoy quick rebounders. Hell I enjoy rebounders all together. We start up again and I’m really in the mood from that last tease. Only problem he was done just as fast as the last time. He told me I felt to good he couldn’t help himself, round 3 will be great.
He’s willing and able for 3 rounds... GREAT as much as he’s already gotten off its going to be a while!!! WRONG! Round 3 done and over in 2 seconds. I started to get a little pissed and all he can say is Sorry. I lay there thinking about getting dressed and going home. He starts kissing the back of my neck and I can feel he’s hard again. There cant be anything left in this little man... anyone else would be dying from dehydration at this point.
I’m still let down from the last 3 tries and have started to dry up. I started a little more foreplay to get myself back in the mood again. I start stroking his cock and flicking my tongue on it. I started deep throating him. Oh Oh Oh... OH HELL NO!!!! He did it again! I barely got my lips around his shaft and he pushed me away because was cumming AGAIN! I don’t know if I was more pissed off or more amazed at it all. I got dressed and went home and got myself off because that past hour was the biggest waste of my life!
Lying in bed that night I was thinking about what had happened. I’ve know a few that get off quick the first few times but if they could go that long by the 3rd time they cant get off. It should be an easy problem to fix though. I just wish I was warned before hand. I would have know to come prepared.
I pulled out my little bag of tricks a few nights later when we tried again. We went at round one. I hoping last time was just a one time thing and he would be fine now that its out of his system.... but it wasn’t. Two seconds later he was done but I was ready for it. With my little bag o’ tricks, I had 3 different size cock rings. Cock rings are the worlds greatest things in my book! We started with the medium size because I think the large would have been pointless. Nothing changed, one... two... done. Ok, he’ll be up again in a few minutes we can try the smaller one. That’s why there are different sizes. Nothing changed, one... two... done. Well damn, I thought cock rings were the answer to everything. I’m going to give him one more shot then I going call it a night and do it myself without him. This time we used all 3 at once. That would have been a nice little clit teaser if it actually spend time on the clit, but alas one... two.... done.... and home I went.
I’m not one to give up though. I pride myself on my patience. I began thinking a condom change might be in order. I’m a big fan of extra sensation her pleasure condoms... I don’t like the feel of a garbage bag inside me but I think for this situation we’re going to have to let that slide. So we broke out the heavy duty, climax control, never feel your dick, condom (you guys know what I’m talking about). We got them in all different brands, sizes and all different kinds. Nothing changed! We attempt, he’d cum and I’d just sit there.
I started to get pissed and it was showing. The next night my anger really came out. He’s had sex several times a night for several nights in the past week, you’d think one would build up resistance.... didn’t happen. I was so mad because I hadn’t been fucked properly in so long. I started to bite him that every time he came too quickly. I would bite his nipples and make him scream. Feel My Pain!!! He didn’t like pain and I didn’t like being left out of the orgasms. You will learn one way or another to fix one of those situations. Guess he didn’t mind the pain too much.
I was so frustrated I couldn’t think of anymore ideas. I started asking my friends for ideas. One suggested blindfolding him, with men being visual creatures maybe he was getting too excited seeing everything. That didn’t work. I even asked my ex for ideas who couldn’t stop laughing at me. My ex was also a very patent man. He broke me of my little problems. I used to have a sensitivity problem too, as in I’m VERY ticklish. He used a stun gun on me if I got too ticklish... I miss that stun gun. Again I think he didn’t mind the pain as much as he said he did. I was seriously running out of options and running out of patience.
I went to my local weekly get together with my friends and family and that became the discussion of how I can make him last longer. They thought is was the best joke they had ever heard. After finding out he was done after 2 pumps... They dubbed him that. The man no longer has a name other than 2pump. Next, they even came up with a hand gesture for it. It is sort of like the Vegas dealer I’m done gesture. You know the one where you pound your fist together twice and then throw your hands up. To see a table full of people doing that in a bar you would think there was some kind of drinking game going on. Many of them were as shocked as I was that the cockrings didn’t work. None could stop laughing though. Short coming jokes went on for hours that night. We ended up staying much later than we usually do because we were have such a good time making fun of 2pump.
I stayed away from him for a few days because I couldn’t look at him without laughing and wanting to call him 2pump. He rang my phone off the hook so I went over. I wasn’t going to have sex. Instead I let him play with me. The whole time we’ve been sleeping together our foreplay is me doing everything to him. Maybe I took control too fast and that’s what gets him going so quick. Maybe what he lacks in some places he makes up in at others.
He starts rubbing me and again I’m ticklish... its not feeling good... its not sexy. He says he wants to give me a massage I told him he has to be hard with it or else it will tickle and I’ll just laugh at him the whole time. Well I laughed at him the whole time! Finally the point of the massage came to an end and there I was laying naked in his bed.... you know it would have been easier for him to just go “hey strip”. I probably would have been a little more excited with him being so forceful.
So I’m laying there naked and he’s trying to touch me and I’m trying not to laugh at him... trying very hard. He slowly runs his hand down my chest to my hip and over my thigh. I’m almost in a ball because it doesn’t feel good. Then he starts to play with my pubic mound. I had shaved the day before so I had some stubble and the itch of hair growing back. The more he touched it the more it itched! So every time he would run his hand across me I would have to reach down and scratch right where he had just rubbed. I think he got the hint to leave that area alone and went for my clit.... I know I don’t have a large clit that easy to see from space but its not that hard to find. His fingers were WAY OFF! I reached done and place his fingers where they should have been and even gave him a little rhythm to work with. The second I let go he went back to what he was doing before.
I wasn’t wet. I was no where near wet with this bullshit and he wasn’t going to stop till one of us cam. Most likely him. I reached down and started playing with myself. He stopped touching me completely and sat there and watched. I get myself worked up to the point that all I needed was 2pumps and I’ll be done. I reach over and unwrap the condom. The second I slipped it over the tip he was cumming. I should have stayed home and gotten myself off again. At least that way I would already be in my own bed. I got dressed and went home. I wasn’t in the mood for round 2,3, or 4 since we technically never even made it to round 1.
I was very much depressed at this point. There’s got to be something he can do. He’s got to be good with his tongue, no one can be this bad all around. No one but him! I swear Men if you don’t know what your doing ASK!!! I tried to move so his tongue was in the right place and he would move with me! I couldn’t take it I flipped over told him to fuck me hard doggy style. He came before he was completely in me. Guess who went home and did it herself!
I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I asked him if he knew that he sucked in bed. First he said that he was only like that with me... then the truth came out and ends up he’s on medication that makes him hypersensitive. I cant blame the boy for a side effect from his medication and there is a reason he’s on it to begin with. I had to find a way to desensitize him.
I went to my local sex toy shop where they know me by name (Sometimes you want to go, where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came.). I told the girl that worked there the problem. She suggested numbing cream. I’ve always had an issue with the numbing creams because it numbs both partners and I’m already not feeling enough. I decided to try it and grab a tube of numbing cream and go to check out. The other girl at the counter who heard my story told me not to worry about it that it was free because she felt bad for me.... But they do sell batteries.
My weekly get together rolls around again and everyone wants to know if we’ve made any progress. All I can do it roll my eyes at them. I tell them about the medication and what happened at the sex toy shop. They cant stop laughing. You know its sad when people are giving you stuff to make it better. Everyone is doing the hand gesture. I’m doing it!
I’m having the time of my life knowing that when its all over I’m going to have an interesting night ahead of me. I had informed my friends that he has been off his meds for 2 days so he could go out drinking with his friends. See I told you he was a nice guy he doesn’t mix his drugs with his alcohol. Apparently there was some truth to the whole meds line. Instead of being done in 2pumps he made it the 3! So I pulled out the cream and covered him in it. 3pumps later he was done and I was numb... I really hate that numbing cream!!! I told him I was numb and done but was very proud of him for going as long as he did. He was so happy. I went home. So glad I bought batteries the other day.
We’d been seeing each other for a little while now and he was wondering about my little weekly get together that I go to. So I told him to come along. My friends were just dying to meet him any ways. I warned everyone he coming which turned into a joke all on its on. Yes he’s coming... so soon? Wow that was quick. We are all sitting there at the sports bar trying not to make a 2pump joke. It was really hard. Too hard for most the group there because they kept texting them to my phone all night. We were all trying so hard not to do the hand gesture seeing how its become like our greeting for each other. We look up to watch the beginning of a SOFT BALL game... where they are doing rock paper scissors to see who goes first and everyone except 2pump busted out laughing. I told him it was an inside joke that I would explain later. Right after that we look over to see a waitress standing there talking and packing her cigarettes on her fist. Again with the laughing and the confused looks from 2pump. I told him some story about a guy getting a leg cramp thanks to ice-cream and beating his fist because of it. I told him it was a had to be there moment. I don’t think he bought it.
The sports bar we meet up at had a poker game that night and 2pump is a big poker fan. So he went to play because he felt like an outcast from my friends with our inside jokes. Less than 10mins after being gone he comes back. Done.... so soon? He was saying he didn’t do so good and wasn’t feeling like playing but everyone was laughing so hard to the “so soon?” It didn’t even dawn on me when I said it till everyone around was laughing so hard.
While he was playing poker my cousin’s husband had gone out to his truck and got me a jacket because I was sitting under the AC vent and freezing. Seeing this 2pump goes to his car and get his. He takes the jacket off of me to give back to my cousin and hands me his. It was a little strange. My cousin then text me on my phone that he’s really clingy which I never really paid attention to till she said something. Then I noticed when he was at the table he was touching me at all times. He either had a hold of my arm or my leg. I don’t mean his hand just placed on me I mean he actually had a hold of me. It wasn’t that big of a deal at the time but the more he did it the more it bugged me. So did the jacket deal. I had to wear HIS jacket? I shouldn’t have been so surprised at how he was rushing things.
A few nights later I get invited to go play poker at a friends house. Knowing 2pumps loves poker and didn’t do so well at the bar maybe a friendly little game at a friends house will cheer him up. Of at the very least make a few bucks off him. Either way its all in fun and after him feeling like the outcast with my friends I thought a nice quiets session with a couple friends would be better than the whole group.
2pump had to work later than me so he was going to meet me there. My girl friend picked me up said we had to make a few stops first, about 5. 2pump was at her house before we were so he and her boyfriend got to chill and have a few beers. These friends normally join us at the weekly get together but lately have been out of town so they don’t know much about 2pump. He’s just the guy I’ve been seeing and he needs a little help ( I asked EVERYBODY).
I was going to have new pictures taken of me that night and we decided I would take them there. So I throw my little black dress and black boots on grabbed my corset and tied myself up. Woo hoo to being tied up. So I get there, they start taking pictures and I do not liking how I look in that outfit or how the pictures are coming out so I say fuck it lets just play cards. So I take the corset off and of course those boots come off too. So I’m sitting there in the chair in a little tight black dress.
I’m very close to these friends as in we flirt all the time, we are very touchy feely. I’ll shove my tongue down your throat just to say hi kind of friends. This is how I am like with most my friends. So all night while playing cards my friends and I making sexual joke towards each other I’m sitting there trying to get comfortable in this dress so I got it hiked up to my waist. Every time the boyfriend got up he would hug me, tickle me, find any reason to touch me while 2pump’s sitting there trying to keep a hand on me at all times, while I’m wiggling around in this chair or hanging on my friend and/or her boyfriend.
The night is over and I’m horny from all the flirting and touching and being half dressed. I go home with 2pump. He’s had a few drinks so he can go a little longer than usual... which is only 3 pumps. I’m horny! I cant stand this anymore! I have a bunch of friends I could be having better sex with right now but I’m being nice because I’m in a relationship that sucks ass and is going no where! So I tell him. I would like to see other people for a little while but we’re still going to hang out because he’s a great guy. I actually meant it when I said we will still be friends. I enjoyed his company when we weren’t attempting to have sex.
I don’t hear from him for a few days then I get this call that he met someone. Sweet I was happy for him. He said he wont be able to hang out with me because he wants to be with her. Blah blah blah. I’m dancing for joy. Hopefully it was just me that was the problem and he can please her and drive her crazy with all the little sex toys I got him. Yes I let him keep them I really don’t want them back and I’m sure another guy doesn’t want to reuse them.
A week later I get a call from him wanting to hang out again. She left him! They slept together once and she went back to her ex. Go figure what happened there. I told him we would hang out and chill and he could come chill with my friends. Every time after hanging out with everyone he always wanted me to go home with him. I tell him no I wasn’t up for it, it was late, and I had to get up early..... all that being bull shit, of course. I had already started seeing other people myself and was getting a little annoyed with him wanting to hang out with us. I still wanted to be friends and all but he was still doing the whole touchy thing all the time. Even when I was with another guy he still tried to have a hold of me at all times.
I tried to set up times we could hang out just us. He was making me loss dates when he would tag along. We decided to go to the river together and just chill. He picks me up and we are on our way. Half way there he informs me he’s got a lot of stuff with him and I need to carry the cooler. Ok nothing wrong with having a few drinks at the river and what not. Ends up the other stuff were his bongos and hemp. Hippie boy likes to go to the river and beat his bongo and make necklaces. I stopped wanting to hang out with just him.
Every week when I went to dinner with my friends at the sports bar he would just show up. Order a beer and sit with us. My friends would all be like “Hi how are you” then give me this look of “why is he here”. Several would make it so he couldn’t sit near me or touch me. I was hoping he was getting the hint but apparently not. Guess hints aren’t his thing either.
He finally got the hint loud and clear when a dear friend came into town to have dinner with everyone. 2pump said he was going to be there and even insisted on giving me a ride there because my boyfriend at the time couldnt make it. This dear friend is very outspoken. She prides herself on her dominance over the men she knows. She had never met 2pump just heard the stories, knew the hand gesture, and made a few jokes with the rest of us. No one actually pointed out who he was to her.
So we are all there having dinner talking about life, work, and sex. The normal conversations everyone has with friends. The topic of my sex life came up and my dear friend asked if it was getting better. I told her its not what I wanted it to be but it will do. We all have a few laughs. Then she looked him in the eye and said “It’s got to be better than 2pump!”.
My jaw is on the floor I’m trying to stop it all from happening. Saying “No 2pump is someone else”, yelling out names. Another friend is sitting there doing the hand gesture. They are all laughing. Its not going over so well. I feel like my world is spinning around my head. I see his eyes. Not what I wanted to see, he knows we’re talking about him.
He gets up and leaves the table. My eyes are still bugging out my skull!!!!! I don’t know if should laugh or cry. I think I did a mixture of the two. I might have even puked a little. I explained to my friends from out of town HE WAS 2PUMP and he doesn’t’t know about the jokes, gestures, nicknames.... nothing!!! He does now! I cant stop laughing.
They just sit there making jokes.
I have to call everyone in on the jokes and tell them what had just happened. I get up and go outside I’ve got my cousins on the phone laughing historically. Everyone is calling everyone telling them what’s going on. “They Called Him 2Pump To His Face” My phone is ringing off the hook with people wanting to know if its true and of course having more 2pump jokes. “I’m shocked it took this long”. I told them who said it and everyone knows its true. She never holds back. I come back to the table and they are still cracking jokes... Does 2pump live in the shortpump area?
Oh my god these people are going to be the death of me.
He comes back to the table doesn’t look at anyone. He doesn’t say a thing. Everyone else decided to call it an early night and head home leaving me there with him. They aren’t completely out the door before he starts in on me. He starts cussing me out then gets up and walks out. This is my ride home! I have to follow him. He is pissed. I should have stayed at the bar. We know the waitresses well enough I probably could have gotten a ride from one of them. Some of them probably would have had better jokes. Hell I could have called a friend to come back but I didn’t think of any of that. “She called him 2pump” just kept running through my head instead.
I live 15min away but this night it took him 30mins to get to my house because he’s busy cussing me out. Yelling at me about using him and treating him like shit. He told me I shouldn’t have even bothered if I wasn’t serious and if I’m going to act like a slut I should have at least fucked him more. I would have been hurt by all of this and had some great come back if I could actually stop laughing. I think I was still in shock that she actually called him 2pump to his face!
I finally make it home after getting bitched at, still laughing of course. I told him to stop being a little bitch and lighten up, got out the car saying call me when you calm down. He said he was never going to talk to me again. Which is fine too. I really didn’t care either way other then we lost the butt of our jokes. Yet it still goes on.
It hits me a few days later and all my friends agree... this story needs to be told. I shouldn’t keep this all to myself. Not after the way he treated me and the things he said to me. Not to mention other women should be warned before they waste their on a guy like this. Having patience and being understanding is one thing, but this relationship went on for way to long when I knew it was going no where fast.
My friends tell me I need to blog this online on the site we met on or even send it in to Penthouse Letters. I’m sure they would die laughing at this too. If I do actually blog this I got to find a 2pump gesture smiley first. Nothing beats the 2 pump gesture.
So I sit here at 4am writing all this. The only thing I’m thinking is:
“Damn this story takes longer than he could ever dream of!”