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Diary of a Love Addiction (Prelude)

Pages: 1

Contents Introduction How it all started (Ladies: Coral, Pearl)

Chapter 1 - The story of Lady Topaz Chapter 2 - The story of Lady Aquamarine Chapter 3 - The story of three women willing to share… Reluctantly Chapter 4 - The story of Lady Sapphire Chapter 5 - The story of Ladies Sapphire, Citrine, Emerald, Garnet Chapter 6 - The story of Lady Jade Chapter 7 - The story of Lady Ruby Chapter 8 - The story of the Ladies of Raven’s Ness Chapter 9 - The story of Lady Moonstone Chapter 10-The story of Lady Diamond Chapter 11-The story of Lady Opal Chapter 12-The Story of Lady Tourmaline Conclusions/IM Messages/Letters •A poem I wrote/sent to departing Lady Sapphire to remember me after boarding her plane for Europe •I wrote an IM to Lady Diamond one night notifying her that I had chosen between her and Lady Moonstone •My Wedding poem/speech to my wife •My Wife’s Wedding poem/speech to me •Web Cam text conversation between Lady Moonstone and myself •Signs of falling in love and out of love •How to check on someone to see if they still love you or are about to move on with someone else •Where are they now and was it all worth the experience and memories •To heal and learn from the past to go forward in life •Starting over…. We heard the words before….

•What is a Soul Mate and how do we identify one?

My thoughts and wishes of this book [Photos capturing the Passion of Lady Diamond – Taken by this Author]

THIS IS A TRUE STORY and it’s not a children’s book. That means that within this book resides real people who actually exist. This book is a recall from my memory of the relationships I once had, and continue to have with the women who have loved me. This book will encompass within those relationships detailed intimate sexual experiences and my experiences in the Lifestyle of Sexual Swinging with others. This book is about the emotional love choices I have made and not necessarily the right choices. My sexual experiences within this book should not distract from the title Addicted to Love, which is what this book is truly about. We need to ask ourselves; IS LOVE just another four-letter word? Is it used to manipulate another’s emotional trust and commitment? At the ends of a relationship, it leaves the one who had loved unconditionally in emotional pieces of who they once were to recover on their own. Yes, we all heal enough to love again but the scars remain, and within the heart remain the loving memory of their touch.

During the writing of this book, it has not been received well by friends and family a like, due to the content placed in this book. This book may even cost me my own precious marriage prior to releasing it to you, the reader. This may be the ultimate price I am willing to pay to finally get closure for the women involved, as I wish for myself.

Some of these women have successfully moved on many years ago and others continue to be in contact with me. I have tried to be kind in my writings of these women, but in some cases could not be entirely and still continue to be able to be truthful about our relationship. In either case, I do not want to break up any marriages or open any unhealed wounds that would affect their lives or their families. In order to protect the privacy of these women, all names are replaced by an identification of a ring stone/jewel name (i.e. Lady Topaz). Only they alone would know who they are within this book. The only name I did not change, was my own so as not hide from those who will/can be judgmental of my actions. I am sure within this book in some places my emotions have exceeded my thoughts as a writer. I will apologize for that now so anyone who wants to question my writings about any one of these women will have for to take into account my emotional sensitivity to that woman.

I have had the opportunity to revisit my past memories as to what I wanted my relationship to be. I do know my intentions were always, even if foolish, to continue to make them happy during our relationship. I can only perceive that the intentions of these women were also sincere but in some cases this was found not true but none the less too late me. Only they know their truth, as I know mine to be. This book will be base on my truth and my perceptions of those relationships. I hope you, the reader, will not perceive my truth to favor my point of view or be bias to either myself or the woman in any of these relationships.

By writing this book I do believe I am placing myself; the author, on trial. You, the readers, will be my Judge, Jury, and, if so be, Executioner. The value to me of doing this is that I get the opportunity to open my life up and look at myself through other people’s eyes. I hope to find the answers to the many questions about myself that I have had over the years. Especially from the relationships with those who have loved me, or I loved them, and in most cases we have loved each other. To try to understand how someone can tell you “I will love you forever” and then when the relationship ends they avoid all contact with you at any cost. Is it guilt? Is it hurt? Is it they were able to get what they wanted and now want to be left alone?

With every relationship that does ends, there had to be a turning point or event that took place for one or both in the relationship. An event more then likely was negative that occurred and marked the beginning of the end of that relationship. We need to look back and find what, when, and where one of the two in that relationship could no longer move forward base on that event. We also want to learn from the good or bad decisions that I had made that ended these relationships.

Another question should be how much does sex contribute to falling in love to begin with. The sexual experience between two individuals could simply be that one, or both, may just be a sexaholic or looking to replace the lost of a loved one with sex. My reasons for being as sexual as I am, I believe to be the latter. To have the ability to sexually please a woman fills that void of my lost as well as prepares me for the future with another. The woman who would be mine would need to be as sexual as I am and want it as much and often as I do. The kiss or touch during the sexual experience has, in many cases, resulted in a very emotional attachment or the beginning stages of falling in love.

People have asked me what type of woman I am looking for. The only answer I can give is that I don’t have a type but do believe that I seek out or attract woman who are sexual, needy, lonely, or in pain from past love experiences. What I do first is to try identifying their sexual level of interest or will power to resist my advances which may be with words as well as by touch. Most warm up to me very quickly and all have to accept my sexual appetite that no one woman would be enough. I would see other woman who are in “The Lifestyle” called swinging, and we are not talking about dancing. Swinging, called “The Lifestyle”, is the swapping of couples, singles, or groups of people who have the desire to sexually share, or watch each other’s mate having sex with others. I like all the options here and love to share the woman I am with, which is a big turn on for me personally. The Swinging Lifestyle subject will not be discussed in detail within this book but will have cameo informational appearances within the chapters.

I know there will be a difference of opinion as to what I was doing with these women and the type of man I was or am today. I am willing to accept all responses as some truth but also reserve the right to acknowledge, or deny, any comments made. The relationships will be in the order as they appeared in my life and the chapters will mirror that same order within this book. Most of the women will have their own chapter or will have a cameo appearance within one of these chapters. The reason is that some of these relationships were short-lived or was on going along with other women I was seeing.

---- Love, the two-edge sword --------------------------------------

There are in my opinion three types of love experiences; loved me, loved them, loved each other. The word LOVE needs to be clearly understood as what it means to each individual. Everyone needs to know when he or she is falling in love or already in love but in most cases won’t know its happening to them until they are. I can fall in love easily if I feel someone understands me or wants to. I also know that I can love more than one woman at any one time and will continue too. Love is a double-edge sword that can make you both feel that you are experiencing the best part of your life or the worst part, which would be missing the other forever. I have made the mistake of trying to love for two wanting to believe that she loved me. Then one day you awake and they are gone. They seem to remember none of the words that they said such as the infamous “Love You For Ever” words. I believe the true reason that people lose their love for each other is the loss of communication between each other somewhere along the way. Yes, I believe that “Communication” is the key to a successful relationship for it to survive at all. Love will never be enough, nor will it keep a relationship from failing when one stops listening to the other.

-----Meeting a Stranger may be a Soul Mate ------------------------

I believe that every stranger we meet there is reason for meeting them. I also believe we all have a number of soul mates that we will, and suppose to meet at many different times/ages of our life. These soul mates are the ones who can, and will, love us as we will love them. We will have experiences with them that will change our life in some way for the better or worst. This brings us to the topic of this book, which is the addiction to the love experience. We all want to be loved and want someone in our life to share our love with. Within every relationship, there is a beginning and an end. All, if not most, relationships happen base on a situation that you let or find yourself in.

An example, you are traveling for business with a co-worker of the opposite sex and both happily married. You are both staying at the same Hotel and you naturally would have supper together. You finish supper and decide to call it a night and return to your rooms. Your rooms are on the same floor or very close to each other. Once in your room you find that you are struggling with a work problem or just plain bored sitting around watching TV. One of you call the other up and ask a business question or if you want to watch a pay for view movie together. You both change from your work attire and dress comfortably like if you were at home, but yet finding yourself putting a little more effort into looking nicer, or even desirable, before meeting. Now you find yourself in the same location, or room, resolving that work issue or watching that movie together. You find yourself standing or sitting very close to each other. Then sooner, or later, start talking/sharing personal things about each other or your home life. You find yourself having somewhat mixed feelings being alone with this person but yet like it. You start to feel a warmness come over you and then suddenly out of your mouth comes the words “Is it warm in here or is it me?” The other smiles back at you and you both know what your thinking and wish you hadn’t said that but its out in the open for discussion. Maybe his comeback is “It must be you” with a smile or one of you said “My neck is so tense” and everyone knows what the response to that one is. Well now, you have both opened the door to some kind of removal of clothes or touching by massaging for that stress in the neck. What else could get things moving is when you’re watching the movie, you both observe a sensual seen or a hot sex seen. Your both very quiet and you don’t want to look at each other but you both know you’re in a room alone. There is a bed looking at both of you and your thinking what it would be like to have something happen as long as no one would ever know. Then there is always the accidental contact or the long stare of lust in your eyes and all that flesh so close to you. The accidental contact can be handing a glass to the other or maybe “could you just scratch my back for a minute?” Your other five senses start activating like you can smell what they are wearing and it’s enticing and you want to get closer to them by sitting at an angle. Maybe standing close in the kitchen getting something for each other and you turn into each other. Then it happens, the look, the pause, the smile that fades into the readiness to kiss each other. You kiss and then the rest is history and you are having an experience that may or may not turn into an affair or new relationship. But for that moment all common sense has left both of you. Being married or not does not seem to be a question you are asking each other or even yourselves. The kiss leads to touch and touch leads to exploring the moment of who is in front of you and no one will ever know. But your wrong, you both will know and when the next day comes you have to see each other again. It could be a very satisfying look or a look wishing it never happened. But it did and now you both have to ask yourself where it goes from here. If the sex was bad then you can both pretend it never happened and never discuss it. But if it was good or better then good, or the best sex you’ve ever had, then things have changed and your decision to have the experience is now desired again. Hopefully it does not effect the working or private lives when your family or that special someone upon returning home.

This is the beginning and if it does not last then this would be a turning point or beginning of the end. The words “turning point” will be noted in each chapter of the relationship that I had, or continue to have, with each of these women, except for the most recent. I, as well as the woman, will each have separate turning points and most likely at different times of our relationship. I will add at the end of each chapter “Lessons Learned”, my thoughts and evaluation of that relationship. Thoughts being what I, or she did wrong, or what could have been done to save the relationship.

----- New Concept on Marriage ------------------------------------------

I am opinionated and I will give you my opinion on marriage. First, I will say I have been married two and a half times and those women are in this book. I will say that the institution of marriage has become a business that others (i.e. lawyers, wedding chapels, county licenses, etc.) make money from you being while being involved in your marriage before, during, and always after your marriage. The lawyers, whose motto is “You see red (hating each other), we see green (money we will make that will cost the both of you continuing to hate). The lawyers will continue to keep you both in emotional pain to earn as you burn, as they say, until the both of you can agree. In the meantime, the lawyers will spend their lunchtime together billing you for that lunch saying they are negotiating on your behalf and share a few laughs of how you both see each other.

Marriage to me is obsolete, meaning there is no need for it whether you have kids or going to have kids. DNA takes care of child support issues if married or not married and if the relationship ends. I propose an enhancement to the marriage laws and processes. The enhancement still requires a commitment to each other and a license but with this different twist. Along with Marriage licenses, also have a LEASE license. A LEASE license would be signed and filed the same as a marriage license. The LEASE license works the same as a Car lease, in this case, both parties MF or MM or FF sign a contract to be together for a fixed period of time. The terms of a LEASE license should consist of a 12, 24, 36, 48, 60, 72 months of commitment. When that lease expires, so does the commitment. No lawyers, marriage mediation, divorce, pain of separation, waste of excessive monies to be able to go on your separate ways. Whatever material items you bring into the Lease relationship are identified and documented in a prenuptial or “lease nuptial”, as well as, anything that purchased individually after deciding to be together. Any larger valuable items obtained together like cars registered in joint name would have to be reviewed to who paid fully for the vehicle or whose name was on the loan. Once that was identified then that person would receive the vehicle and be responsible fro any debt remaining on it. Children are by default should be joint custody and child support amount would be decided by the courts. Those payments are submitted through the courts to the parent where the children reside. What I have been seeing recently is physical shared custody where the child lives one week at each of the parent’s residence. Both parents need to reside in the same school district or drive to that district.

To my surprise, I have found women to be the greatest supporter of the “Lease License” proposal, not the men. By the way, I am practicing marriage again for the third time with another different twist. My twist is that I had a full and complete wedding in a church and we each had our own poem, or versus, to say to each other. This I would call a commitment to marriage in the eyes of God only and would be outside the legal state laws of marriage. Neither of you sign a marriage license nor do you file taxes together but continue legally identifying yourselves as single. Those who wish to have the traditional marriage may continue to do so. We are testing this no contract theory to see if we can stay together forever, knowing that the lost of our love, respect or communication, could result in us losing each other. We hope to make it official/legal one day once we both have freed ourselves of the pain that we both carry from past relationships, as well as, feeling assured over time that we, ourselves, do not become another one of those past relationships. Time has a way of changing people. Relationships and experiences that you have together, good or bad, will change how you see each other and your own needs over time.

Lessons learned: Love will always mean something different to everyone. I believe the happiness of love last a shorter period then the sadness of losing the one you loved, which seems to go on for many months afterwards. Is the love experience of happiness and sadness worth it? Guess what? You don’t have that choice… You will fall in love and usually with the person you least expect. More then likely it will be someone who has been right in front of you. Maybe a close friend you have been ignoring the signs or taking them for granted. There is a song; “Love is a Battlefield” and how true it is. My lesson learned is this. Stop telling me you love me if you cannot show me you really do. The next section is about my awaking of my five senses (touch, smell, sight, taste, and hearing).

How it all started (Ladies in this chapter; Coral, Pearl)

------ My sexual desires have arrived --------------------------

My preliminary knowledge “how to” sexually please a woman was learned by watching others having sex. I perfected that knowledge by not listening to what a woman tells me that pleases her, but by listening to the woman’s body and how it responses to me.

By the age of 11, I had begun masturbating and still had nothing heard of, from my brother, called a climate or cum. It felt good to touch myself but never understand why it did. As time went by, I increased the touching and masturbating speed of my hand on myself. By the age of 12, I was experiencing an excessive swelling of my cock from the abuse I was giving it. I would put ice on it at night when everyone was sleeping. However, even the coldness on it sexually excited me. I now know, not then, that all these strange feelings from doing what I was doing were just me sexually finding myself.

The city in New Jersey where I lived consisted of all three-story buildings, which were all connected to each other on every street side by side. We lived on the third floor of our building which was over 50 years old. The first level was a storefront at one time before becoming apartment. The business of that storefront was a Chinese laundry. They would pass the clothes down a chute from that storefront into the basement. Within this basement area was a large 75-foot long 2-foot deep concrete basin tub. It was hand cleaned and filled with water every day and the Chinese family members would hand wash the clothes sitting along the sides of this large tub. The cleaning business closed one day and the storefront converted into an apartment replacing the storefront with bricks and mortar leaving a single window. This converted apartment had six wooden steps above the basement, within the first floor, that led up from the bedroom/family room to the kitchen area. Once the business was gone the basement level could now be used for storage by all the residents in the building. Moving in and out of the building a new resident was never told about the available storage area. The dampness and smell discouraged anyone from placing their belongings down there anyway of those that did know. I, myself, was more then comfortable in this dingy cold damp basement with no heat.

Being as curious as I am, I noticed my older brother kept going down into the basement of the house we lived in. When I opened the door that lead down into the basement, I always found it to be very dark, damp, cold, and it smelled badly. I could never go down the stairs because it was so dark and scary. I never knew if there was a light down there or not to turn on. In the very small chain linked backyard, there was a 6 by 6 brick square encased hole attached to the building about 5 feet deep covered by a steel grate to protect people from falling into it. Within that hole, you could see the only window leading down into the basement and that was the only known form of light that I could see. The hole was actually a fire exit from the basement, since the only other way in or out was that single door leading down into the basement. There was a curtain on the window but it was always dark within so you could never see anything.

I asked my brother when I was 11 about the basement and he told me people died down there and you never want to go down there it was scary. I noticed that my brother would go down there a lot. Before he did, he plugged something in a wall outlet by the window within our apartment. It was the light he plugged in that lead from the third floor all the way down on the outside of the building to the basement and in through that window that was the 6 by 6 square emergency exit. He would be gone for a long time and I always wondered why. One night I decided to go out into the yard at night and see if there was a light on that could be seen through the basement window and there was. I was able to see that there was a sofa under the window and I could see my brother sitting there by himself. Then suddenly a girl appeared and sat on the sofa with him. I said to myself wow this is great being able to see all this at night. They started kissing and he started touching her. This was the first time I have ever seen anyone touching another with my own eyes real time. He started to unbutton her white blouse while he was kissing her and then I took out my cock and started masturbating. It was very dark and cold outside in the yard with no one being able to see me and then it began to rain. The rain was acceptable at the time to see what I was seeing. Then it became heavier as I was kneeling looking down into the window with nothing to keep me dry. I stayed and continued to watch as the rain poured off my back, head, down my face and into my eyes. It was incredible to see him take off her bra and seen a real set of beautiful tits for the first time. It was a cold November night in NJ and I started to shiver from the rain soaking into my clothes. I could see steam coming off my cock as my body was getting hotter inside and colder on the outside. My brother pushed the girl backward on the couch and I could now see all the sexual parts of her. He pulled down her pants slowly and pulled down his own. He was touching her between her legs and she began squirming around reacting to his touch. What he didn’t, nor I, knew at that time was that she was going to be his first of three wives. I watched it all as the window began to steam up itself from their bodies as he began to penetrate her with his long thin cock. After watching for over an hour, my own body between the cold heavy rain and masturbation of my cock began to shake heavily with chills, obviously going to be sick with a cold now. The window now totally seamed up and I no longer could see in, ended the evening for me. I still could not get out of the rain since I knew very well if I entered from the backyard, they would hear me walking from down in the basement and knew I was coming in from the backyard. Have to remember it was about midnight and if my brother heard anyone unexpectedly entering the house from the backyard that late at night he would surely investigated who it was since the door was always locked. They were done shortly afterwards and I could hear them exiting the basement and down the hallway to the front door thinking he was taking her home. I waited until I could hear a set of double doors opening and shutting meaning they had left. I then finally reached for the yard door outside handle to get out of the rain and into the hallway. The back door handle had a lock button inside of it and it was always locked to discourage bad guys and was only locked at night but I unlocked it before going outside. I turned the handle and pulled. The door was locked and I was on the wrong side of it standing in the rain. My brother obviously locked it after exiting the basement just being a normal procedure for him at night with us living in a not too safe neighborhood. I had to climb over four fences into other people’s backyards to get to the street hoping there was no unfriendly pet waiting to bite my ass as I came over. I then entered through the front of our building and into the hallway. I was totally soaked and shivering from the cold and thinking how to explain this to my Mom walking in the door upstairs. I got past my Mom and into the bathroom where I dried off and changed clothes but still became sick with a cold.

Now that I knew about the light, and how to turn it on in the basement, I decided to sneak down there when my brother was not home. I explored it several times without his knowledge. I found all his x-rated magazines and again I masturbated looking at them. Always listening incase he came home and then I would hide in the back rooms that I had found where renters were suppose to store things. I was still 12 years old but tall for my age. I also had a twin sister who I told about the basement. She wanted me to show her and I did several times. This one time I’m in the basement and my sister comes home with a girlfriend who I knew on the street. She went straight to the basement door to see if it was open and by chance that the light was plugged in. She did see that it was open. A mistake on my part and down the stairs they came. I jumped up and hid in the storage areas and listened to them chat. What I heard was my sister attempting to seduce her friend so I sneaked forward to take a peak of what was going on. She had the girl with her top and bra off and I watch them play for a while. My sister was very aggressive and the girl friend was very submissive. They too were trying to find out what all these sexual emotions were about and realized they too could not controlled the urge to touch. Once they left the basement I followed shortly afterwards.

A few months later my brother was getting married and wanted to past on what he had to his little brother who was now 13. He took me down the basement which I was down many times without his knowledge showing me around and telling me what he did there and I could too now that he was moving on. My brother, upon his departure into marriage, divulged a secret to me that was really the beginning of my learning. The secret was a peephole in the basement, leading to that first floor apartment that would give the opportunity for me to become a voyeur.

It offered me the fulfillment of my dreams to gain the sexual knowledge that I desired visually. The height of the concrete basin tub gave me a standing area to reach the first floor/level where a family lived. My brother or someone before him, dugout an eye-viewing peephole in the steps of this first floor apartment, then placed some removable putty, or clay, in the whole when not in use. Doing this it would hide the single light bulb from shining up into the apartment giving away the location of a peephole. He also hung a curtain over it so if anyone did go down the basement would not notice it.

I went to school everyday, came home, and went straight to the basement, telling my Mom I was going to study for a test. My Mom admired my desire to get good grades but I seemed to get nothing higher then a “C” no matter how much studying I did in the basement. “I wonder why? You need to ask?” The difference between day and night within that large dark and damp basement was that single shining light bulb. The electricity came from our third floor apartment outlet. My Mom would pull out the plug from the outlet upstairs and put it back in three times so I knew it was time to come up and go to bed for school the next day. During that time, I began to make the basement more personalized to make myself comfortable what I now considered it my very own apartment. I brought down different items from my very small closet size bedroom upstairs, that was really a washer/dryer size utility room. Looking around the basement, I felt I actually had an apartment to myself, of course with no heat and that one bulb electricity, but nonetheless mine. Again, no one ever tried to open the single, now locked, door leading into the basement.

I was able to learn a schedule of when and who came home that lived in the first floor apartment. It was a woman with two very young children. The woman, referred to as Lady Coral, was very sexually active. The two kids were being baby sat by another Mom down the street while Lady Coral worked during the day. At 4:15 almost every day, she would arrive home with a man, who I now believe was a co-worker or her Manager himself. This man never said very much but the routine was very much the same every day. They would come in and stand by the bed and then he would help her take off her clothes. She would then sit down on the bed and she would begin to unzip his pants and begin to give him a BJ (Blow Job). Now that was just one common event that I was able to get off on almost everyday. At the time, I had never seen a man that was not bigger then me at 4 inches at the age 13. However, as months went by that same man became smaller only because I became bigger as I approached adulthood. I believe the size of a man may depend on how much a woman excites him. I, to this day, believe my size may be due to the masturbation that was going on night after night with no days off. During the wintertime, remember no heat, was so cold that I could see my breath and continue to see the steam from my body. I would be so excited during an actual masturbation that you could see the heat steaming off my cock itself. While watching through the peephole I sometimes would be masturbating so much, for so long, that my cock would swell up on me. I would have to use ice on it for three days and any other items to reduce the swelling. This swelling did appear a number of times during this period of my excessive sexual education. I still had to touch myself somehow even when in pain and someway endure it while continuing to masturbate.

There were baby sitters who came over to watch her kids and they would masturbate, or bring their boyfriends who would feel them up or get in their pants. There were always a lot of moans and groans for sure that would get me off. My little, no one wanted basement apartment became my classroom of sexual teachings. Two of my three brothers actually were spending time wit Lady Coral as well. Lady Coral would even have one of my other brother’s girlfriend come and baby sit. I would then see my own family members in action again teaching this young teenager (me) some moves. Even the brother who left the peephole behind put a show on for me with his many comings and goings with all his girlfriends and before he got married He would mention to the girlfriend; “I know he is watching right down there in that little hole in the steps”. I actually was and I could hear him just fine. I was more worried that he would come down there and kick my ass for watching, but he liked to put on a show for his little brother. The girls loved him and would do anything for him that he asked of them. It was also interesting how he played with their hearts and how badly they wanted him to be theirs.

Now, I did have interruptions from time to time in my peephole opportunities. One day, one of the little kids living there left a sneaker on the step in front of the hole blocking most of the view. I made a pointer out of a metal hanger and used it to move the sneaker out of the way a little at a time so to not draw attention. Think about this for a moment. You are in your house on the bed sleeping. You then open one eye because you hear a dragging foot type noise. You look down and see a sneaker on the steps start to move by itself. To be blunt here, I myself would have shit myself literally and got the hell out of there as quickly as I could. One day I went down to my little basement apartment, I open my peephole and here is this object blocking the view, which I found out was a sneaker. No one is expected to be home for the next 10 minutes, nor is anyone ever home during the day, because I have the schedule and it has been perfect for me. “BUZZ” wrong…not this day. The sneaker was from a person sleeping on the bed that I could not see because it was blocking the view. Feeling comfortable, that no one was home, and not thinking where this sneaker came from in the first place, I began to move it with the end of a wired pointed hanger. I then heard this movement on the bed. I then stopped and pulled the hanger out of the hole quickly. “Oh Shit!!! Someone is home… Run for it!!!” Only one problem… the escape exit is the only door in and out of the basement. That same door is also right next to the door for entry of the first floor apartment. All I could do was hide somewhere within the dark unlighted cubbyholes in the basement and be perfectly quite if someone came down into the basement to investigate. I did this a few times when I heard someone near my basement door turning the locked handle on the door.

Well I did not have to run and hide but I did see the sneaker move away from the peephole itself and there I was literally eyeball to eyeball with P. herself. She decided to call in sick that day and never called me at school to tell me LOL (Laughing Out Loud). I stood still not saying or doing anything because I knew I had only one chance and that was to hope she would not come down into the basement and who knows what would of have happened if she did. My heart was beating fast, my erection was no more, and I was now sweating it out. She jumped up after seeing the hole and grabbed a screwdriver from the upstairs kitchen and starting pushing it threw the whole. What I did not know at the time was she was attempting to kill what she believed to be a rodent trying to eat its way into her apartment. I am very lucky my eye was not in that peephole at the time, or I might be called one eye Albie. Albie was the name my Mom called me occasionally. I learned that safety comes first and everything else last. I was not off the hook yet. Lady Coral screamed up the three flights of stairs for my Dad. I could hear him coming down the stairs. This was one of the few times he was not drunk, hearing him coming down the stairs. I ripped off everything around the hole to make it appear that it was a rodent eating up into the peephole for appearance. I ran up the stairs out of the basement into the hallway headed up the stairs that my Dad was coming down. I stopped and turned around started back down giving the appearance that I too was coming to P’s rescue. Only concern I had was if she seen me through that peephole and identify me? I had to take the chance she did not see me. Then again, maybe she did see me and liked me watching while she masturbated watching Johnny Carson on TV at 11:15 every weeknight.

Ok, I showed up knocking on Lady Coral’s door before my Dad did, just in case I had to bargain with her over this situation in what little time I had left before my Dad’s appearance. She opened the door and I could tell she did not know it was I and then we waited for my Dad to arrive a minute later. Then my dad and I proceeded to go down to the basement. We both seen the hole down the basement side and decided to fill it in with wood putty and explain Lady Coral that the problem was resolved and not to worry. She accepted that and I started filling the hole from the basement side with the putty, and she could see it coming out the apartment side. I completed the repair from inside her apartment to make it look neat. Ok, so now what to do. The peephole now sealed was gone. Therefore, I guess my study of sexual education was to be no more within my basement apartment. I was not ready to give up and then thought for a moment saying to myself “Self? Where a rodent could eat through one place Hey!!! A rodent (me) could create another peephole somewhere else.” I found a new location and recreated the peephole and I continued to learn about sex for another six years.

One day I was thinking to myself, at the age of 17, why not plan a night to be with Lady Coral when she was horny to see if I could get lucky. I knew what she did at 11:15 watching Johnny Carson, So thinking why don’t I knock on her door around 10:45 and ask if I can watch some TV with her if she was not going to bed right away. I did do that and she said sure come watch some TV. I said to myself “Wow.. I think I have a chance here and I’m not going to be a virgin anymore”. We sat on the couch which I knew well looking at is for so many years through the peephole. I knew where to sit so she could place her leg where she normally would when John came on. I could see her thinking that this was very strange me showing up this late to watch TV for the first time. We continued to talk about many things and she got comfortable in her normal evening ready to go to bed clothes. The Johnny show came on as expected and we both got very quite. As I twitched, moving around on the couch I could see her look at my body each time I did that. She was horny all right but I was thinking of what I had heard about what my brother and she did sexually together. She also knew why I was there when my arm was on the back of her couch almost around her. My hand brushed up against her hair trying to tell her I wanted to do something. You have to remember I was very new to all this and was doing what I seen others do to approach her. She could not do it and after the show was over, she said; “Well I’m going to bed and I know you have school tomorrow.” I got the disappointing hint and I said my good-bye only to go down into the basement and watch her. She went back to the couch, took her panties off. She played with herself until she could make herself cum. I got the message that I was not ready for Prime Time and she was right about that. I was too nervous and she could see that. Oh well I had to see if she would and all I could do was to settle back into my peep hole observations routine.

---------------------------- My First Love -------------------------------------------

I would have to say my love addiction started with my very first love, which was my childhood sweetheart. Her name was Lady Pearl, she was 15 and I was 13. We had met by way of my brother’s marriage to Lady Pearl’s cousin. I lived in N. J. and Lady Pearl lived in Florida, much too far away from each other. She would come to visit my Mom and me during the summer while staying at her cousin’s house.

As the years went by, I found the sadness of her not seeing how much I really was in love with her. Yet could not tell her because I would lose her friendship or possibly the close relationship we had. We shared movies and we talked about her boyfriends, which always made me wished to have been one of them. Boy, what I would do for a moment to share a kiss with her, which I never did. In my dreams, I would often do movie characterization replacement to experience what it might feel to be the one loved by someone. There were movies I watched of pirates being captured and tortured with their love one looking on. The love one would cry out wanting the bad guys to spare her lover from the pain. I would replace those characters in my dreams with Lady Pearl and me. I dreamed I would watch her eyes fill with tears as she stared at me as I suffered trying to be brave. This happened frequently from watching those adventure/romance movies in black and white no less.

Then it happened that my brother’s marriage only lasted six months, my brother’s new wife and Lady Pearl were gone. I hated my brother for losing my Lady Pearl because he decided to begin seeing and enjoying his second wife-to-be (Lady Topaz, see next chapter) a day before marrying his first.

The years went by and then one summer she stopped coming to see my Mom and me. Her cousin (my brothers’ ex) remarried which closed any connection to our family. Lady Pearl was forbidden to see any of us who had the last name of my brother. She was gone from sight and I missed seeing her. We wrote letters for a while until the day I had to tell her how I felt about her. This was a letter of love written some six years later and just prior to joining the Marines, I was now 19 years old. I continued to love Lady Pearl and still do to this day at my age of 56.

After joining the Marines, I received a letter back from Lady Pearl. She had taken sometime to answer me knowing how sensitive my letter was to me and to our friendship. She had said that she received my letter of loving her for all those years but my Mom had told her long ago, how I felt about her. She said she respected and loved me for being so strong not to mess up our true friendship that we had. We shared several more letters between us and then lost touch a few months after that.

It was many years later we found each other again having married other people and divorced them in some cases. Then one day I received an invite to my sister’s wedding. She was living in the same general location in Florida as Lady Pearl. I came to the wedding a few days early and my sister helped me find Lady Pearl. My sister told me to go see her now and do not wait, always knowing how I felt about her. She had moved a number of times as I had too. I believe I was in my late twenties when we did finally meet in person again. We hugged and talked about so many things that we had experienced over the years.

She then took me to a nightclub for drinks where she visits occasionally. We were having a drink together and she said, “Give me a minute I will be right back”. I could hear a band or group warming up to play for the evening so I was getting ready to enjoy that while waiting for her return. Some time had pasted and I started to wonder after a while what happened to Lady Pearl. Then the lights got dim and on the small stage where the band was playing, I could hear this sweet voice started to sing. To my loving surprise, it was Lady Pearl herself. I was stunned to say the least and never expected to hear her voice. After the first song she sang, she spoke into the microphone, “I have a very special guest with me tonight. He is the only man that I know that has loved me since childhood and continues to this day. I have a song to sing to him tonight, that he has not heard me sing since he recorded it for me when we were kids.” A very warm smile began to show on my face. Her voice was like an angel and the name and words from the song were “More (then a love…)”. Hearing it again touched me in so many ways. I always loved her and now she was telling me the same in her song to me. When she finished the song, she came back to her seat next to me at the bar as I hugged her.

She said; “How about driving to the beach and watch the sunrise together.” I said; “I would love that”. It would be full fill one of my long time dreams of having her all to myself. We parked the car facing the ocean and I held her in my arms, which was a moment I dreamed of doing with her all my life. She kept saying you changed on me and you look so grown up. I knew what she meant as she hinted that I was more sexually desirable then I was when I was a kid. I do believe that she was very attracted to me that night and would have wanted me to make love to her. Holding her in my arms, she turned her heard upward and as our eyes met. We shared our first real kiss ever. It was what I will refer to as the “WOW” kiss. The morning light appeared as the sun began to rise over the horizon. The last eighteen hours together was a perfect evening and morning for me. We had no sex, as some here may be waiting to hear. We did say our goodbyes and again we lost each other in time once more. Our relationship was never base on time together but the time of knowing each other over both our lifetimes.

Many years later, my wife(Lady Sapphire) stayed in Jacksonville, Fl where our home was and I had to relocate alone to be closer to a new job that I was starting, The location was very close to Lady Pearl’s last known address. Lady Pearl and I, both experienced many different relationships over this period. What I did not know was that our experiences had changed us both and taken its toll. I was able to call her and tell her that I was about a hour and half away from her last known address and that I would like to get together to take her out to dinner. She accepted but I pleasantly found out that she moved once more and was actually only 10 minutes away. She said to me before we meet again that she had to warn me that she had changed. She said I needed to prepare myself for our long awaited meeting. We were to meet at a restaurant and I got there early. It was crowded and was very unaware that we were within speaking distance of each other but could not see each other because of the crowd of people waiting to be seated. I looked around for her at those sitting and standing but did not see her. She was actually sitting on the bench in front of the entrance. I could not find her and so I waited and waited. Finally, the crowd was gone and only one person was sitting on the bench and somewhat hidden from me as I approached. I wanted to ask if they had maybe seen Lady Pearl who had come and gone. That person was Lady Pearl herself and she was waiting for me to see her. I do believe she knew I was there but was waiting, and hoping, that I would not be disappointed seeing her at this moment. She had changed, her weight to size had increased and she said that she seldom left her house other then go to work. She looked into my eyes as I helped her up from the bench. She could see that I accepted her change and she loved me for it. We went inside, had dinner, and met her friends that worked there. She introduced me so proudly, as the man who has always truly loved her with tears running down her face of joy. We caught up on what was happening during dinner and why she looked the way she did and for once found peace in her heart from those who may have been cruel to her from day to day.

We left the restaurant and went back to her apartment and yes, I made love to her with both of us knowing it was so long overdue. Unfortunately, at the time I was married to Lady Sapphire (found in chapters to come). Yes, I violated trust and the love of my marriage. I felt no guilt for this since I was aware of my wife’s own evening plans when I was traveling for business reasons. The sex was short and less satisfying for both of us with the unplanned timing that it was. It was not well planned the way I would liked it to be. I think we both knew it could have been more enjoyable if it wasn’t so late getting back. I also believe it took us to a place in our relationship that changed how we felt about each other in the many years to come.

One night, I was with the other consultants that I worked with and we would have evenings together better known as VID Night or video night. We all got together over someone’s home and watched a weird movie never seen by any of us. We would drink and party most of the evening and it was usually held at Lady Baby Blue’s (to be discussed in chapters to come) place. Lady Baby Blue was an attractive and strong willed woman who always got what she wanted, and she wanted me most nights when we seen each other during these VID nights. One night I stayed later and yes had sex with Lady Baby Blue and then I left to go home. When I got home, which was about three in the morning, I found Lady Pearl waiting for me in her car. Lady Pearl could see that I was with another woman that evening based on how I looked. My shirt was hanging half way out of my pants in the open. She stepped out of her car and said Lady Sapphire (my wife) called her wondering where I was. I did not have a cell phone at that time and the home phone was the only way to reach me. Lady Pearl was very disappointed in me knowing I knew I was married and was out playing around with someone else, while my wife (Lady Sapphire) was at home being a good wife. I lied to Lady Pearl telling her I was with some friends but she could see I just had sex. She was very angry with me as she drove away.

Some time later, Lady Pearl had asked me over to her house to help store some boxes up in the attic. It really was the first time that I was about to see her real pain. Entering the house, I observed the need to move things around and understood she could not easily do this herself. I did not come empty handed. I brought with me the now very old tape recorder that I used to record her singing when we were kids. I left that for her to have, knowing it was the right place for it to be which was with her. I purpose for coming over was to get some boxes up in her attic. While storing these items she became very impatient with me. Her pain from past relationships has identified men as all being the same. I was looking within the attic to see the next open space to place the next box when she yelled at me. She said; “If you are not looking at me then how can I tell you what I need you to do!!” That coming from Lady Pearl, told me that she felt that all men sucked. Hearing that did put me on notice that I was no longer dealing with the loving little girl I met when I was 13 years old. She had bad experiences with men and at that moment, I was like all the other men she had known. I left that day deciding that we had lost respect for each other. I disappeared and never contacted her again. I received cards and calls from her that I did not answer. I still loved her and always will, but I arrived at the wrong time in her life.

Time has now past and I have not seen Lady Pearl for a number of years. I do live very close to her location and yet we have never bumped into each other. I did feel a need to contact her so I can see how her life has changed and tell her how mine has.

Update: I did finally contact Lady Pearl but she always has an excuse why she could not see me. I did send her an emailed copy of what was a manuscript at the time, now this book. After she read her story and by her silence, she made the decision to not talk or see me again. Hard to believe those 40 years of a true lasting friendship would now mean nothing to her. I left voicemails and finally wrote a letter asking her to respond but never heard from her. I do know where she lives but would never violate her space without being welcomed. I will have to consider her another casualty of this book.

Lessons learned: Being a voyeur, I learned a lot by observing, like listening rather then talking. You learn a lot more when collecting a lot more information to help you understand people’s decisions. In this chapter, I observed a girl I knew responding to a guy sexually on a couch because for him it would prove she loved him. After the boyfriend leaves, I see her sitting on the same couch crying knowing she really didn’t want too but did it for him. She knows her love for him means nothing only her body does. I learned more about how that girl feels when meeting her again in school walking the hallways changing classes. So, my voyeurism gave me the opportunity to learn about how women think and feel and not so much the sexual needs that they have.

Concerning the first love of your life? I can now say to everyone, keep your memories of your first love as they were and do not try to go back to have that fantasy from the past. Do not try to find out what could have been between the two of you by trying to experience what you missed doing back then.

Welcome to my Gray world and let me introduce you to my sister-in-law.

Chapter 1 – The Story of Lady Topaz is waiting for you.

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