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First time buying a condom
A young man had been dating an attractive girl, and she'd been delaying that big night for some time. After a few months, and as things got more serious between the two, she gave him the news - tonight is the night. He was so happy, relieved, horny at the thought he could hardly contain himself. She did have one caveat - it was safe sex only, and he needed to bring protection. This was a bit of a problem.
The guy didn't know the first thing about condoms. Where to buy, how much, how big, how to put on etc... but dammit he was gonna learn. So off he went to the pharmacy. Looking around he couldn't find anything there, but then noticed them - sure enough rows upon rows of every brand imaginable, but one problem. They were all behind the counter, and instead of throwing them in with acne cream, toothbrush and what not he actually had to ask for them. But he was determined.
Incredibly shy and embarrassed he waited and waited til everyone else had been attended to, and then approached the woman behind the counter and said "I, I, would like to ... buy um some con - condoms please". So glad he got that out he thought he was all set, until he heard her reply of: "well what size do you need, we have small/med/lge/Xlge, but I need to know what size or they are useless." He said he didn't know, and she replied: "well what you do is go out the front door, go around back and you will see a long wooden fence. The fence has knot holes in it in a row. Starting from left to right you get yourself hard, and stick your self in each hole until you get the right size. You then let me know which hole was the right size, and I can get you the right sized condoms." Simple.
So off he went out the front door. However, the woman had other plans. She went out the back door and hopped over the wooden fence and waited. Along comes the young guy, and he proceeds to stick himself into knot number one. She on the other side gives him a little tug. He is shocked, he gets hard, and gets excited - loving it, but it's not the right size. So to the next one. He sticks it in, and she's on the other side, on her knees, and she takes him in with a great BJ. Again he's shocked, shudders, and loves it, but again, not the right size. To the next know he goes, and this time she bends over and takes him in deep from behind, he is loving it, he thrusts and shudders, and guess what - he found the right size.
So happy now he pulls his pants up and runs to the front. The woman hops the fence, goes into the back, wipes her brow, and as he approaches she asks "so, what size condom do you need?" And the guy's response? "Fuck the condoms lady, just give me 6 feet of that fence out back and I'm all set thanks".