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Finding My Submissive Way (Part 1)
In an attempt at finding my own Dom, I have realized that not only was I searching for him but that I was searching for myself. It wasn’t until I had a short term encounter with Sir, which sent me reeling on more than just the sexual exhilaration. It was like someone grabbed the tuning fork and made all the piece stop moving and fall into place or slapping me in the face with the most obvious thing in the world, and my only response was SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! My eyes were opened and it felt like every fiber in my body was awake and saying “FINALLY!! It’s only been 38 years!”
So here I am, female, 38 years old, married almost 20 years (YaY Us!! We love each other, and he is my best friend). I have two kids; they’re both teenagers. I have two degrees; a Bachelor and an Associate degree both are in Business. I work a regular Monday through Friday office job, and I am good at it. Life is good, and I am not dissatisfied at all, as a matter of fact, I love my life. I just hope by continuing on this path to self-realization will be the icing on the cake…so to speak.
Now, before I go on let me also say that I have never been abused in any way by anyone. I was never molested, assaulted, or anything else that most people will try to rationalize why a person, like myself, would want the thing I do sexually and in life. For the longest time, I have considered myself a closet freak. Afraid and ashamed to admit the things that I love done to me sexually, it felt wrong on so many levels. When I say wrong, I mean it felt dirty, and I was embarrassed to admit my secret desires. My husband loves that part of me (it drives him nuts in a GOOD way!), we even came up with a name for my alter ego (we’ll use Lilith for referencing) because when she shows up, I was an entirely different sexual creature altogether. I was free, I wasn’t ashamed, my sexuality was heightened, and my inhibitions dropped away. Lilith was down for just about anything, and when I say anything, I mean ANYTHING! This would probably be a good time to mention that my husband and I do not have a conventional marriage. Now I will explain, but you’ll have to hear me out. I will try to keep the babbling (as my husband calls it) to a minimum.
We are swingers (sort of) and we have been for about 16 years of our marriage. Now if you don’t know what swingers are, well then what are you doing reading my blog….geez people Google!! When I say sort of swingers, it is because I am the only one that swings. Before you get all judgy (is that a word?) listen…My hubby does not swing for multiple reasons:
• One; he’s not interested (WAIT…WHAT?!?!) yup, you heard me, I can’t explain it and don’t understand it, but it is true. Just go with it. It works for us. • Two; he has a lot to lose if his job were ever to find out (like career ending); it’s just not worth the risk for him.
• Three; it truly turns him on hearing about my stories when I come home to him spread wide and oozing with juices.
Now don’t get me wrong there have been times where we have played (code word for any kind of sexual endeavors) with other couples, but in the last 20 years, the only vagina he has felt wrapped around his cock has been mine. Oh and for those of you reading and actually know a thing or two…he is not a “cuckold”….I don’t blame you if you need to look it up (Google, where would we be without it, even Siri uses it!) I did when someone implied that my husband was a cuckold (I was totally insulted!). My husband is an Alpha male; he is not a Dom. Which is starting to bring us to the actual point of this whole blog idea of mine. I do not want to talk too much about the whole swinging thing because it is easy to get off subject. If you have additional questions about it, please feel free to message me, and I will try to answer. Mind you I am not claiming to be a therapist or anything else; I can only share my experiences.
I have always like kinky stuff, and when I say kinky I mean kinky. I love to be restrained…something about not having a choice in what is done to you, but just giving in and accepting what will be done to you. OH MY…what a turn on it is! Being at the mercy of another person, it turns me on just thinking about it. Moving on…here is one of the things I enjoy am so completely embarrassed to admit…it is SOOOO gross. I like Anal. There you go!! My dirty little secret is out. I still think it is gross, but I do like it! It is one of the best ways to cum that along with some clit play…NOW you’re talking! Along with these kinks, I like to be spanked, and not just a little but a lot and relatively hard. Throw in there the choking, breath play (GOOGLE!!), collars, cuffs, ropes, I told you I love my kink stuff. I just can’t help it. Everyone has their things this is mine. As I have played with more men (I am not a Hoe, I am very selective about whom I choose to be with) I have experienced more and found more thing that have drawn me in to what most people call BDSM lifestyle. As I find thing I like I share with my hubby and we continue to grow and learn new things that we both enjoy.
Probably about five to six years ago I had my first experience with someone that called themselves a Dom. He was a very little man with a Napoleon ego. He wanted to control me sexually, but he treated me like I was less than a person. I ended thing quickly because of the humiliation and degradation part. I didn’t know at the time that there are many different types of Doms. The two things I walked away with were; humiliation and degradation are deal breakers for me, and size does matter both in height and in Johnson size, and I loved the idea of being controlled or instructed. Okay so maybe that was three but who is counting?!?
My next experience was man that was more Alpha then he was Dom but he was very demanding. It was with him that I started to understand that I wanted to be a submissive. That was when I actually believed it was a choice. Big John was a big guy, and I am very petite, he loved it. He was able to man handle me in ways no one has before. That wasn’t the only thing he did though. Big John would use me how he wanted. He was always extremely respectful but his requirements were intense. At least I thought they were at the time. He would restrain my hands behind my back, while my face was laying on the bed and my ass was up in the air. I would get random swats, pokes, and prods. Big John claimed every part or me and made sure to tell me my pussy, ass, and mouth were his to do with as he pleased. The funny thing about it is that I LET HIM and I loved it! Hello…WHAT WAS THAT…yes I loved it. I couldn’t get enough. I wanted more, and whatever he wanted from me I was happy to let him take. At one point he put a bit in my mouth (bit, is like a ball gag but long, think of a bit from a horses bridal and there you go), and used some kind of restraints to tie my hands behind my back. He fucked me hard, smacking my ass as he went. Big John had a grip on the strap that wrapped around the back of my head, holding the bridal in place. He pushed his huge cock in to my ass where he proceeded to take me to a cloud nine. I came when he told me too, and I told him I wanted to be his slut (not my favorite thing to say but I did as he told me too), I wanted him to claim my ass for his own, and I did all of it. Without hesitation…I didn’t over think things I just did.