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The following is copyrighted Material, reprinted, with permission, from LifeStyle Magazine.

Writing The Perfect Personal Ad By: Geoff Like anything else, if you want to get something out of a personal ad, especiallyan ad for couples, then you have to put something into it.

Have you ever looked for a car in the classifieds? What would you do if you saw one that just said “59 Ford?” “59 Ford what?” is what I would ask myself. Rather than calling the owner to find out if there was air conditioning, a CD player, faded paint, cracked windows or how many miles were on the vehicle, most of us would skip the ad and go on to the next one. Personal ads are the same way. You have to give your prospective playmates something to pursue. Here’s a hopeful suggestion to take some of the pain out of trying to find the perfect words for the perfect couple (singles also apply); take some mental notes on profiles that you like and incorporate them into your own profile. You aren’t competing with Shakespeare. Write one sentence at a time. Just use your own words and let it flow.

Creativity sparks interest. Maybe instead of saying “we like to watch pornos,” try “we would love to have the right couple over to watch Vanessa del Rio’s Greatest Orgasms DVD on our 130 inch high definition TV.” Or rather than “my tits are 34B,” try “my husband loves to flick his tongue on my perky peaches with their hard strawberry-colored nipples.” Or one of my personal favorites, “If you’re horny and you know it, clap your hands.” Lose the Ken and Barbie cliché. Nobody’s perfect, and most of us would rather play with people instead of dolls. Don’t be afraid to be a little bit different. How many of us have gotten all hot and bothered about a couple only to meet them and immediately think, “holy, shit! This isn’t the kind of couple we wanted?” Was it the perception that you got from their profile or the perception that they got from yours? Probably a combination of both. Adding general but important detail on either side may help you avoid needlessly wasting time for all. Don’t be afraid to mention that you have asthma and that meeting in a smoky bar might not be a good idea. Include in your ad if goatees are a huge turn off or that you have fourteen kids and can’t entertain or that great big asses remind you of your bitchy mother-in-law. It can be argued that creating an ad for couples is four times as difficult as creating one for singles. In most cases both you and your spouse (or significant other) have to like both members of the other couple. In turn, both of them have to like both of you if any fun is to be had at all. Try to include an equal amount of information for each of you in your profile.

An equal amount of pictures of both of you is also nice to see. I get very wary when I read a nice ad, then see ten pictures of the female and none of the male. Looking at ten different poses of the same person in the same outfit doesn’t do much to create excitement either. And, while taking close-ups of cocks (it can make them look larger, just like the burger commercials on TV) and pussies can add to the spousal thrill, looking at them is like looking at a picture of a spot on a leopard. They are all different, but not much fun to gaze at. Use a variety of facial close-ups and full body shots, with and without clothing. Glamour shots aren’t necessary and are especially hard to get when taking pictures of sexual action. It is nice, however, to see at least one picture with makeup on a lady and a picture of the man without his Harley. Refrain from using wedding pictures. Nobody looks that good anymore, unless you got married to your favorite swinging single the day before.

How much detail is necessary? Enough to spark interest, but not so much that you kill a chance of meeting a decent couple. Unfortunately, there is not an overabundance us who are so drop dead gorgeous that we have to hire a personal secretary to sift through mountains of responses on a daily basis. In case you are so hot as to make others wish that they look like you in their wildest fantasies, then you’ll probably want to be very specific about your requirements so as to steer clear of lots of thanks-but-no-thanks answers. For the rest of us, the trick is to appear open enough to generate interest while at the same time be detailed enough to attract likely playmates. If you have had an ad for quite some time and don’t feel that you are catching the attention of those that you want, feel free to change some words or phrases, while not making yourselves look like people that you aren’t. Sometimes, no matter how much you drool over what you think is a supremely compatible couple, they just won’t be interested. Don’t sweat it. Simply move on. Spellcheck... use it. Enough said.

Remember the ’59 Ford? Maybe now it reads: For sale, ’59 Ford pickup truck for use in an open field on a starry night. Included are a mid 40’s couple, naked and dripping with desire. He is bisexual, and (with the aid of a handful of Viagra) will stay hard for hours. She is straight, and while she doesn’t mind rubbing butts with another female while howling at the moon, she will not turn into a Lickolotapuss on request. We love to enjoy a Big Mac with a glass of merlot before sex. Looking for a like couple whose main source of entertainment is NOT farting the theme song to Snow White. Hard passionate kissing is desired but not mandatory. He is wanting the female to be unshaved and the male to have at least half of his natural teeth. Her only requirement is that the male walk upright. Truck has very good suspension and we will even provide a mattress if desired. Will respond to all inquiries. Don’t be afraid, get laid! There is no exact science for creating a personal ad or profile. But with a little bit of time, effort, and creativity, you can increase your responses dramatically and hopefully get some quality along with the quantity that will make your swinging experience a good one.