By: Barbi Leigh
The lifestyle is many different things to many different people. What they share is a fascination with the erotic experience and the pursuit of sexual enjoyment. There are three major categories of swingers: couples, single females and single males. Couples are the foundation of the lifestyle. Single females are comparatively rare. When they do get involved, it's often because they are bisexual and the lifestyle affords them easy access to both males and females.
Not surprisingly, single males are plentiful. A constant new supply of horny men assures that it will stay that way. But what does it take for a single man pursuing the lifestyle to be successful? People in the lifestyle meet many different ways. The most popular venues are through swinger clubs, private parties and websites. For the aspiring single male, clubs and websites are the main vehicles -- since it's pretty hard for a newcomer to get invited to a private party.
Like other private clubs, swing clubs are "Membership Only." But lifestyle clubs operate a little differently. In the lifestyle, privacy is the first priority. So clubs usually forego formal background checks. However, once you're accepted, your character is under constant scrutiny. If you behave badly or become disruptive, your membership will be immediately revoked and you will be permanently barred from attending the club. With that in mind, it's in your best interest to read and heed the following:
Single (Gentlemen's) Guide to Successful Swinging.
1. In private clubs, the same members visit again and again and get to know each other quite well. If you insult or offend one couple, the word will quickly spread to others. Alternatively, if you are pleasant and the couple enjoys your company - sexual or otherwise - they will be eager to introduce you to their friends. Of course, swingers like to introduce people with unique sexual qualities to their friends. But don't walk around saying you've got a 12-inch penis, even if you do. If you really do, everyone already knows it.
2. You will have a better time at parties if you check your macho attitude at the door. You don't want to be one of those guys who are standing in the front wearing a towel, waiting for someone to perform for them. Such macho, horn-dog attitudes classify you as a "Towel Shark," and you don't want to be one of those.
3. Be yourself, be natural and socialize. Ask a lady to dance and be sure to have a good time, you're more attractive that way. It's a good idea to ask the lady's husband for permission to ask his wife to dance. Talk to the husband and be friendly to him too. Why? Because if he doesn't like you, you're probably not going to get anywhere with her. Remember that people in the lifestyle are there for their enjoyment, not yours. Some are interested only in couples, some only in women, some in nothing -- they just like the atmosphere. Some are interested in playing with single men. Many couples are seeking a second or even third man to join them. The important thing is -- how do you get to be the guy they choose?
4. Get to know the lifestyle, the expectations and the realities. Read the other articles in this magazine, it'll help. Keep in mind that most people you meet at a swing club are there for the same reason you are. Most swingers aren't out there cheating on their spouse. They're open about what they do, and about what they like to do. Don't go to a party to fall in love, or think you're going to sweep a lady off her feet and away from her husband. Come to have a good time and make some new friends. To be successful in the long run, you need to be the nice guy that's been seen with other couples, not the weird guy that's running from table to table trying to score. Just about all couples have a set of rules by which they play, and they vary little from those rules. Don't try to change them. You'll fail.
5. Be a gentleman and a classy guy. Just because a woman likes sex doesn't mean she likes vulgar language or innuendoes. Good manners and social skills are more important in this lifestyle than just about anywhere else.
6. Dress nicely, like you're going on a date. Because you are going on a date! When you know you'll be having an intimate encounter with your mate, you take extra special care in your personal hygiene, right? Well multiply that by ten. Before you go out, spend extra time brushing and flossing your teeth, showering and shaving, styling your hair and dabbing on your best cologne.
7. Don't assume that because you talk or dance with someone that they want to have sex with you. Don't get too aggressive unless you get the clear message that it's OK. When (and if) you get that message, go with it, just don't go overboard. You can even ask again" Is this okay?"
8. Leave the pickup lines at home with the tank tops. Ladies in the lifestyle are adults and are not into head-games. They have already heard every line in the book.
9. Again, in the case of couples, introduce yourself to both husband and wife. Do not approach a lady when her husband is not present. Remember that "Towel Shark" fellow? When the husband comes back (and he will), he won't be happy to see you.
10. Don't insult a member's intelligence with the statement, "My wife wanted me to come here first by myself to check it out, so I'll come back with her next time. How about you and I play now." Every swinger has heard that line over and over again. You might as well say you are here to cheat on your wife while she's at church!
11. Don't talk about your wife or your girlfriend, how great she is or how beautiful she is. Let's face it. If she were, you wouldn't be here alone wearing that towel.
12. Don't act overly shy or stand around like a wallflower. If you see a lady you're interested in, observe her. If she dances with guys besides her husband, or if she spends time talking with single men, maybe she would enjoy talking or dancing with you too. Don't be afraid to approach her - just approach her politely and with class. Chat for a minute; maybe give her a compliment, then say, "It was great meeting you. Let me know if you'd like to dance a song together later."
Approaching a woman that way makes it easy for her to approach you later.
13. Drink in moderation. Lifestyle events are social gatherings, not boozing parties. Needless to say, alcohol and erections don't go very well together. So if you drink too much, you will not only act stupidly and belligerently, you will also be unable to get an erection to save your life and you will wind up making a complete fool out of yourself.
14. Don't sneak into the "couples only" room pretending to be with a couple. If a couple wanted to be involved with a single man, then they would be on the "single" side of the room. And if they wanted you to join them, they would invite you. If a couple is engaged in a threesome or foursome while NOT in the "couples only" section, maybe they like to be watched by single guys -- but not touched. So don't sneak your hand in there to "grab a piece" thinking that she won't know whose hand it is. Even if she doesn't know, he and other involved partners will know and will have you quickly removed from the club.
15. If someone says NO, that's all there is to it. Don't ask them, "Why not?" or "Are you sure -- I'm the greatest lover in the world?" Actually this is Rule 1, 2, 3, 4..... The most important rule of the lifestyle is NO MEANS NO. 16. Don't touch without permission. Do not touch. We know what that means.
17. Do not go to the club with a group of buddies. Even if it's true that some women enjoy multiple male partners and enjoy a "gang-bang" -- they don't need you to provide the "gang." If you only feel comfortable with a group of friends, then go to a hockey game or a titty bar.
18. Most people in the club have a partner. Include them in your conversation when appropriate.
19. Pay attention to non-verbal signals, the ones you interpret as positive or negative. Body language speaks much louder than words. Act accordingly.
20. If you're unsure about proper behavior and etiquette in a particular situation or what's allowed, ASK. Go to the front desk of a club, or ask the host at a party.
21. Admission to a club or party DOES NOT guarantee that you will have sex, but only that you will be admitted. No one owes you anything and you shouldn't expect anything from anyone. The most annoying thing couples report is that single males seem to think they are owed something because they paid to get in. Keep in mind that the couples paid to get in too.
22. Always dispose of used condoms in the trash. Yes, this mean that when you are through with it you must carry it with you to a trash can. Never leave it where you took it off or you will be invited to leave and not come back (and you might end up wearing its contents on your head.) All in all, it's simple. Act like a gentleman, be classy, be friendly, and treat people well. Everyone has a much better evening if the ladies have a fun time, and if they do, then you've got a great chance at having a really fun time with them.
The true gentleman and classy guy in the swinging lifestyle is non-threatening to the female spouse's virility. He's happy to be sharing in the encounter and he doesn't try to monopolize it. He is also a friend of BOTH spouses and treats both with respect. If you follow these guidelines, you should have a great time and make lots of new, very sexy friends. And if you want to know more about what it is to be a classy guy and have the greatest success meeting couples -- check out the next issue of LifeStyle Magazine and read "What To Expect", an article for couples and singles who have never been to a swing club. Also, look for future articles with "Questions & Answers."
This additional information will help you better understand single ladies and couples and what they are thinking.