Being a happy and healthy couple in the Lifestyle requires a lot of love, trust, flexibility and energy. Couples that enjoy the Lifestyle to the fullest have one thing in common, they know "The Rules." Now these are not a book of rules on how to find the perfect mate, or how to manipulate your significant other, these are the rules that you create TOGETHER.
However, getting started on creating your rules requires some organization and we hope this article helps to get you started.
Here are two simple questionnaires to help you get started on an important discussion you need to have with your partner. I suggest you read this article, then each of you complete your part of the survey in private. Afterword, compare notes and discuss your answers. If the discussion results in an argument, you may want to reconsider your interest in the lifestyle.
RULE 1: Know Your Self: Knowing yourself is where it all starts. There are many questions one might ask to get to know yourself better. Basic questions include: Why am I interested in the LifeStyle? What types of relationships am I looking for? What activities will I engage in? What activities am I willing to explore? What activities will I not engage in? Who will I play with?
RULE 2: Know Your Partner: Remember you are in this together. Basic questions include: Why is your partner interested in the Lifestyle? What types of relationships is your partner looking for? What activities will your partner engage in? What activities is your partner willing to explore? What activities will your partner not engage in? Who will your partner play with?
An Experience: When You Assume. A moderately experienced couple is attending a house party with eight other couples and one single female. As the evening progresses the single female is spending a lot of time and paying a lot of attention to a husband. As people become more playful, the single female takes the husband by the hand and leads him into the other room for some "private time." The next morning the wife is quiet and moody. The husband inquires "What's wrong?" The wife begins to cry and states "I can't believe you left the party to be alone with that girl. I don't even know why the bitch was invited." The husband responded in a surprised fashion asking "What did I do wrong?"
Rule review (if they had rules). Full Swap - OK Different Rooms - OK Single Female - Not OK
RULE 3: Share What You Have Learned: A simple process is to discuss your individual responses to the questionnaire. Do not approach this conversation as a negotiation. Approach it as an opportunity to learn more about each others thoughts, feelings, and motivations.
RULE 4: Create Rules You Can Love With: It is important to create a set of rules that make you both comfortable. Typically, one partner is more adventurous than the other. As you begin this process together it will require flexibility and patience. Remember, one's exploration of the Lifestyle is a process. Things begin to evolve quickly and your rules will change over time.
An Experience: Too Much Too Soon A couple is attending an on-premise club for the first time. They shyly watch the activities in the "hospitality suites for a while." After a few drinks they decide to take a chance and begin to become intimate with one another in a semi private room. Another couple joins them and the environment becomes very erotic. In the heat of the moment, the wife reaches out to the other couple. She slowly moves toward the other man and mounts him as his wife massages her back. Her husband is stunned, left alone, he grabs his clothes, gets up, and abruptly leaves the room. Rule review. Voyeurism - OK Exhibitionism - OK Intercourse with a stranger - Not OK Ignoring her husband - Not OK
RULE 5: Don't Break the Rules: If you agree to a set of rules, stick to them. Don't change them in the in the heat of the moment. If you feel that you are ready to go beyond your rules, stop and discuss this with your partner. The best time to explore your rules is during the time you spend reviewing your experiences.
RULE 6: Take Time to Review Your Experiences: This is very important. Share what you enjoyed and didn't enjoy, and what you may be willing to try. These discussions may be the most intimate and exciting discussions that you may ever have. Reliving passionate experiences can be very erotic.
An Experience: The Morning After A couple is lying in bed after a night of very playful fun with two couples that they like a lot. They begin to talk about the evening's events, the food, the music, and the sex. The wife indicates that during the evening she explored her first bi-sensual experience and really enjoyed it. As she shares the details of this experience they both become aroused and make the most of the morning. The wife indicates that she may wish to explore bi-sensuality more at the next gathering.
RULE 7: Take Time to Revise Your Rules: Your rules may change due a variety of reasons. If you are having difficulties in your relationship, you may wish to tighten things up or take a break. Illness, financial issues, and the stress of everyday life may also impact your rules.
If things are going well, you may wish to expand your rules. If you are experiencing a surge in confidence, the excitement of new friendships, or the comfort of familiar playmates, you may wish to make general and/or specific revisions to your rules.
Either way, enter this knowing that your individual and collective preferences will change and grow in a healthy and happy manner if you work together as a team.
Dr. R. Lindsey DrRLindsey@LifeStyleMagazine.com