MINGLES

So your spouse doesn't want to have sex with you... what do you do? Well you turn to swinging of course. After all, swingers will have sex with anyone right? Wrong! If your own spouse won't have sex with you, what makes you think that we want to? And worse yet, if you are lying to your partner at home and going out behind her back, why would a couple who swingers, an action so founded in communication and trust want to allow you into their lives?

On the Swingers Board we have seen such a rash of these married cheaters who turn to swinging to fulfill their sexual needs that we have given them a name - Mingles - they want to play as singles but they are really married and cheating. We've had enough of this breed. Swinging gets a bad enough wrap already, why would we want to allow these Mingles to come in and give us an even worse name? Why would we want to allow others outside the lifestyle to look at these people and think they are swingers and believe that their actions and attitudes are examples of what the swinging lifestyle is all about?

With the fundamental differences in cheating in swinging, why would a swinging couple want to mix with a married cheater? Let's examine the fundamental differences between swinging and cheating:

Honesty: In swinging both partners know what is going on. There is no lying to one another or sneaking behind the other partners back. Cheaters don't get this. Cheaters are liars, they lie to their partner, and then they turn to swingers in hopes that we will understand? We (swingers) work hard to make our relationships work. Why would we try to help someone else wreck their relationship when we work so hard to make ours strong? Cheating is the antithesis of Honesty, Swinging would not work without it.

Communication: In order to have the strong relationship required for a successful relationship, a couple must communicate. If a person is lying to their partner then they are definitely not communicating properly. Swingers are typically experts at communication. If a would-be cheater comes to a swinging couple looking for help, the help they are likely to get is a lesson in how to communicate. Swinging is about communication, openly talking about your fantasies and sharing them with your partner. This is something that for whatever reason those who end up cheating do not have the ability to do. It may be that they have tried to share with their partner but communication has to work both ways and on one side or the other communication is lacking in those relationships.

If you are a married swinging couple, think about these things before you invite a Mingle to join you. How would you feel if you were this person's spouse? Do you know for a fact that the sob story he has given you making his spouse sound so awful is true? Every story has three sides, and you only have his. Do you really want to take the chance that you are making what is evidently an already bad marriage worse? Do you want to take the chance of her finding out and then inviting you to join them at the divorce hearing as witnesses? Do you really want to encourage dishonesty in another's relationship?

Those outside of the lifestyle already make many wrong assumptions about the lifestyle, do we really want to give them ammunition or allow their wrong assumptions to become true?

So why do so many of these Mingles turn to swinging as their avenue of choice to satisfy their sexual urges? I believe that it is because of these misconceptions that already exist about swinging; the misconceptions that swingers will have sex with anyone that we don't care who or where or when. Combine that with the fact that we have sex with partners other than our spouse so why should we have a problem with someone else doing the same? It's possible that even couples, as they approach the lifestyle, have the same misconceptions about swinging that bring these married cheaters to us. The difference may just be that while the couples take the time to actually research and learn what swinging is all about, the married cheaters just go on their assumptions until they figuratively (and sometimes literally) get kicked in the balls and realize they were wrong.

Even Oprah got it right when she did a recent show on the swinging lifestyle. The first half of the show focused on cheating and how it can hurt a relationship. Then she broached the subject of swinging and several times pointed out the differences between the two, and made a point of saying "this is not cheating". If even Oprah gets it why don't the cheaters?

What these cheaters don't realize is that while this may satisfy them for a short time eventually they will get caught. While they may think they are cheating now in an effort to save their marriage (since their options, in their mind, are cheat or leave), they are really only putting a band-aid on the sore. Eventually, they will get caught and chances are that their partner will leave, not because of the cheating but because the most important things in a relationship have been breached - communication and honesty.