I Can Do That

You’ve been married 10 years or more. You know your marriage is solid, but you’re looking for something to spice things up a bit. You’ve played around with the idea of swinging, you’ve talked about it together, but you’ve never done anything. Why not?

One of the biggest reasons people who are interested in the LifeStyle hold back is that they feel they are not desirable enough. The housewife who could afford to lose 20 pounds. The husband whose only 6-pack is in the fridge. The BBW or BHM who never WAS beautiful or handsome by conventional definitions. I mean, just look at the ads for those tropical resorts. If you don’t have the figure for a bikini, don’t go, right?

Wrong!

I am a 300 pound BBW, happily married to my college sweetheart for 18 years now. We’ve always had a sort of open arrangement to our marriage. But I noticed an annoying pattern. Many of our female friends were more than happy to fool around with him, but the guys all said “I could never fool around with Norman’s wife!” I was getting the short end of the stick.

We had heard about swinging, which seemed to be more couples oriented, which would solve my problem. But I was wary; I’ve been rejected all my life for being fat, why should this be any different? In fact, we saw some pretty people ads which only made my fears worse. Why should I set myself up for rejection?

So for a long time we didn’t do anything. Finally about four years ago we did, and we’ve been very happy with the results.

What happened to change my mind? A couple of things. They all come down to the concept of self-confidence. Before I could consider putting myself on the line like that, I had to have some reason to believe somebody would want me. So we looked for a club in our area and did some research. Where we live, there are several groups that have house parties or hotel parties on a semi-regular basis; actual permanent facilities aren’t that common. One particular group seemed interesting. They have a yahoo group website, and I liked the photo of the host couple. She was a very pretty 30-something with long curly hair. Most of all, she wasn’t skinny. Not as big as me, but nicely curvy. No way you could confuse her with a fashion model – she’s much prettier in my opinion. So we chatted with people on the group list, and signed up for the group’s Valentines party.

We knew going in that there would be at least one couple who wasn’t “perfect,” and they were the hosts. We met a variety of people that night and for the most part we were warmly welcomed. I have found swingers to be some of the most welcoming people I’ve ever associated with. The “beautiful people” ads are wrong; that’s not what swingers are about. Many of us have a different kind of beauty; I’ve never seen another group so willing to realize that.

So what can you do to make your first experience as memorable as mine? First of all, do your homework. If there’s a chat room where you can meet some people like we did, take advantage of it. If you’re afraid you won’t be welcomed because you’re too fat, too skinny, the wrong skin tone, too old, too young, then ask! If the club is worth associating with, they’ll make you feel welcome and try to ease your fears. If not, keep looking... there is another one around that will.

When you go to the party, don’t be a wallflower. Wear something as sexy and daring as you can and still feel comfortable. Don’t feel pressured, but maybe let yourself feel free to explore a side of you that you usually keep hidden.

Many newcomers are shy, and a good host will try to draw them out, but sometimes they miss someone. There is usually a “social hour” before the fun starts. Use the time to chat with your fellow party goers, get to know them as people. Our hosts had an “icebreaker” at the end of the social hour where all the guys lined up opposite the girls and everybody introduced themselves to the person opposite them and hugged (or kissed or whatever they felt comfortable with). Then the guys shifted one position to the left and repeated until every girl had met every guy. It was a nice way to make at least initial contact with everybody and you could get an idea of who might be interested by how they reacted.

If your party or club has a “group room,” sometimes that can be a good place to start. A lot of times old friends will pair off early in a party, meeting people they’ve partied with before. A newcomer can feel a bit left out. But the group room isn’t about pairing off, and is a great place to just watch if you’re not ready to jump in yet. And who knows, you might just be inspired to join in! We started out watching, and when the group on the bed broke up to go get some food and drinks, Norman and I took over the now empty bed. Playing with your partner is familiar and comfortable; all you’ve added is the excitement that somebody might be watching. And sure enough, another couple came down and watched us for a while, then asked if they could join in. Norman still remembers the woman’s beautiful celtic butterfly tattoo! The four of us had a great time.

The point is that most parties or clubs offer something for everyone. Relax, meet some new friends, have a good time, and maybe even join in the fun. Whatever you’re comfortable with. And next time, you’ll find you’re dressing sexier, getting more assertive when it comes to finding someone to play with, and generally having an even better time. Each positive experience builds your confidence. And there is nothing sexier than self-confidence.

We have made several good friends in the LifeStyle; they are some of the most accepting, fun-loving folks we’ve ever known. It’s not for everyone, but just maybe, it’s for you. See you at a party soon?